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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be having nightmares over friends visit?

584 replies

Allinarow48 · 10/12/2024 21:43

Having nightmares over old friends visit.

One of my closest friends is coming to visit over Christmas, after 10 years living abroad with only ocassional visits I should be excited but I’m actually terrified.

I was best mates with “Jane” since we were kids, we lived together during college and were absolutely inseparable. We really, really loved each other for years and went through a lot together. She is also good friends with my DH and my DD loves her.

During her time abroad she has met a lovely man, had a beautiful son (age 2) and started her own business.

She’s always suffered badly with depression and anxiety and her mental health has been fragile. Although in her new country she found some excellent therapists who really helped her. However lately she seems to be spiralling .

It started during Covid, I think she got very deep into social media. She’s always been very politically active and since she had her son the plight of children in Gaza has been a huge focus for her.

She’s always been very vehemently anti Israel since I’ve known her (We’re Irish and that’s very normal here).

She began to post pro-Hamas stuff just after the 7/11 attacks on Israel and immediately shared Hamas videos of the attacks ( the murder of Israelis and desecration of corpses etc.) With added commentary “This is beautiful to me.” “This is how freedom is gained.” Etc. A lot of Irish people are still quite pro-IRA and once again the support of Hamas isn’t that unusual but actually sharing the videos was extreme.

She then started posting videos of dead Gazan children pretty much continuously. Due to the time difference I can see most of her posting is done at night. I think she posts while feeding her son. Videos accompanied by “This is me.” “This is my son.” “I am Palestine.” kind of stuff. She said in one post that her ability to care for her son has been affected by the secondary trauma of what happening in Gaza.

Then recently she began to go from “Death to Israel” to “Death to the Jews.” She posted in Arabic and I translated it. It was an insta story and then disappeared. And since then she’s pretty much transitioned from anti-Israel to Anti-western and fairly drastic Antisemetic stuff “They didn’t gas enough of you” that kind of thing.

Then she went on to say recently that anyone who doesn’t agree with her should kill themselves or be killed and burn in hell etc…

Now here’s the thing: I’m Jewish, non practicing, I have relatives in Israel and lost a friend to the Hamas attacks. I’m disgusted by the Israeli government at the moment and have a lot of sympathy for the Gazan people but I don’t hate the Israeli people either. I am actually quite middle of the road politically.

Being Irish, Jewishness is is not something I have ever advertised and I’m actually not sure I’ve I ever told her. If she’s aware and doesn’t care or has forgotten and doesn’t mind me seeing her posts.

My mistake is that I never responded to any of her posts and never argued with her. She seems to think we’re totally cool. So she contacted me wanting to see me over Christmas for a day or 2.

I’ve been having nightmares about it. I’m scared I’ll say something or do something that upsets her and she freaks out, or something I do or don’t say triggers her mental heath problems and she hurts herself. I also feel bad that my dishonesty caused this situation. If I has said something last year she would probably have ditched me and never wanted to see me again.

I would like some advice on how to proceed.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
CandyCane5 · 10/12/2024 22:22

That sounds a nightmare and stressful!

Does she know you are Jewish (albeit non practicing)? Usually people with such strong views would not ever associate with a Jewish person whatsoever so I find it quite odd?
I know someone like this and every day the content reposted is horrendous, they are even bitter and angry towards Jewish celebrities, jewish owned shops and whatever, so I know they would never have a Jewish born friend!

Tristanthebrave · 10/12/2024 22:22

Bequietplease · 10/12/2024 22:08

I'm Jewish, non practicing, anti-Israel.

I wouldn't even dream of being friends with someone like your friend - total anti-semite and an ass for conflating Israel and Judaism.

Totally agree. Most of my circle is strongly pro Palestine including some Jewish people and they’d never say anything like that or tolerate it being said.

CandyCane5 · 10/12/2024 22:24

And as others have put, visa versa.

MovingCrib · 10/12/2024 22:24

Rowen32 · 10/12/2024 21:45

Not what you're asking but I totally disagree a lot of Irish people are still pro IRA

I'd also agree with you here.

SlugsWon · 10/12/2024 22:25

MounjaroOnMyMind · 10/12/2024 22:12

I'm shocked at you, that you'd say you had Covid rather than standing up for your ancestors, yourself and any children you might have.

Yes this. Have some backbone

Original poster
Allinarow48 · 10/12/2024 22:26

My ancestors? Seriously? Do you know what happened to German Jews who stood up for their ancestors? I fully admit to being a coward.

My Kids don't know anything about her recent online decline. And for those asking I muted her so the shit woudn't show up on my timeline but no, I didn't block her. Our friendship used to mean a lot to me and I thought something might be salvageable until recently.

I did ask her if she was ok, I asked if she was getting enough sleep. She said she was 'doomscrolling; a lot at night and I suggested she take her apps off her phone for her mental health. That was the last time we spoke until she announced she was home for Christmas. This was before the really terrible antisemetic comments.

OP posts:
Sidebeforeself · 10/12/2024 22:27

What the hell are you scared of? You should WANT to lose the friendship! You do realise when she’s talking about gassing Jews she means you and your family don’t you?

poetryandwine · 10/12/2024 22:29

I sympathise, OP. (I am Jewish through the maternal line but it isn’t obvious). I too am sickened by the plight of the Palestinians and the behaviour of a certain subset of Israelis as they perpetrate what is becoming genocide

But none of that excuses 7 Oct or the anti-Semitism one now hears from so-called civilised people. The extremism is on both sides.

I could not have someone like your friend in my house. On the theory that she may be stressed or depressed, I would probably come down with flu - it is more contagious than covid, and on average nastier.

honeyfox · 10/12/2024 22:29

I wouldn't sleep with her under my roof.

Illinoise · 10/12/2024 22:29

DancingOctopus · 10/12/2024 22:06

I am normally quite relaxed about having friends who have differing political opinions but I am afraid if someone was to say " They didn't gas enough Jews" that would be the end of the friendship fid me. I am not Jewish.

I agree! This is horrific.

The standard we walk past is the standard we accept. If someone said ‘they didn’t gas enough Jews’ in front of me, I’d be calling them out. This is how racism continues, good people doing nothing.

Sidebeforeself · 10/12/2024 22:29

What’s the line ..something about “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing” ?

Original poster
Allinarow48 · 10/12/2024 22:30

CandyCane5 · 10/12/2024 22:22

That sounds a nightmare and stressful!

Does she know you are Jewish (albeit non practicing)? Usually people with such strong views would not ever associate with a Jewish person whatsoever so I find it quite odd?
I know someone like this and every day the content reposted is horrendous, they are even bitter and angry towards Jewish celebrities, jewish owned shops and whatever, so I know they would never have a Jewish born friend!

I genuinely don't remember telling her, or any specific conversation about it but the last time we hung out properly was at least 5 years ago. It's possible.

This is the thing, she never was antisemetic until now. She was always really anti-racist and left of centre actually. It was since the whole latest war with Hamas that seems to have triggered this.

OP posts:
GravyBoatWars · 10/12/2024 22:30

As a parent your responsibility is to remove this person who revels in and wishes harm to children and other civilians from your daughter's life, especially when they're children like your DD. I think you deserve better as well, but you at least need to protect your daughter.

If you don't feel safe or confident reminding her that you (and your daughter) are ethnically Jewish then I think you can still be direct and concise about the reasons. "Your posts and comments wishing harm to people you hate and cheering on violence aren't ok, and that's not something I'm willing to have in my home or my family's life."

If you can't summon that up then yes, make an excuse. But don't continue on with this relationship and don't let her near your DD. Do block her on social media and make absolutely sure your DD isn't seeing her social media if she's old enough to have access.

It's ok to grieve the loss of the friendship, but moving on separately is still the right choice.

RandomWordsThrownTogether · 10/12/2024 22:30

I don't know anyone who supports the IRA or Hamas - my friends are mostly Dublin and Kildare but also places like Waterford and Tipp. Are you actually sure or are you just assuming? I have honestly never met anyone in Ireland who has come out with support for either group. Though obviously Irish people are very strongly into human rights and do mostly disagree with the actions of the Israeli government and the IDF.

Your friend sounds mentally unwell - anyone who celebrates the deaths of people just because of where they are from or their religion is not of sound mind. I would honestly email her and tell her that you are Jewish and you can no longer be friends with someone who celebrates the deaths of Jewish people. A friend in the UK said he thought Bloody Sunday where British soldiers murdered Irish kids was justified - he is now not a friend and we do not speak - she has crossed a line.

SlugsWon · 10/12/2024 22:30

So this is your opportunity to not be a coward, and speak up. She is not going to physically harm you, what are you scared of? She thinks your children deserve to die OP.

I'm as non confrontational as they come, but no way could I stay silent

Sux2buthen · 10/12/2024 22:31

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Exactly what i was going to say

Thelnebriati · 10/12/2024 22:32

JFC, you don't have to be Jewish to find comments about gassing Jews utterly abhorrent. There comes a point where people aren't just unwell, they have gone to a dark place that we shouldn't tolerate.
I wouldn't entertain her any more than I would a paedophile, get a grip and have some standards.

Gaz98 · 10/12/2024 22:32

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DazedAndConfused321 · 10/12/2024 22:33

I would never be associated with a nazi sympathiser. I couldn't imagine knowingly letting one in my home, let alone keeping up a friendship with one. How could you?

SlugsWon · 10/12/2024 22:33

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ChristmasfoodisOverrated · 10/12/2024 22:34

Just text her and be honest. Say that your political views don't match, are worlds apart, different core values, and that a friendship cannot survive based upon that, then block.

GreenTeaLikesMe · 10/12/2024 22:34

Allinarow48 · 10/12/2024 21:43

Having nightmares over old friends visit.

One of my closest friends is coming to visit over Christmas, after 10 years living abroad with only ocassional visits I should be excited but I’m actually terrified.

I was best mates with “Jane” since we were kids, we lived together during college and were absolutely inseparable. We really, really loved each other for years and went through a lot together. She is also good friends with my DH and my DD loves her.

During her time abroad she has met a lovely man, had a beautiful son (age 2) and started her own business.

She’s always suffered badly with depression and anxiety and her mental health has been fragile. Although in her new country she found some excellent therapists who really helped her. However lately she seems to be spiralling .

It started during Covid, I think she got very deep into social media. She’s always been very politically active and since she had her son the plight of children in Gaza has been a huge focus for her.

She’s always been very vehemently anti Israel since I’ve known her (We’re Irish and that’s very normal here).

She began to post pro-Hamas stuff just after the 7/11 attacks on Israel and immediately shared Hamas videos of the attacks ( the murder of Israelis and desecration of corpses etc.) With added commentary “This is beautiful to me.” “This is how freedom is gained.” Etc. A lot of Irish people are still quite pro-IRA and once again the support of Hamas isn’t that unusual but actually sharing the videos was extreme.

She then started posting videos of dead Gazan children pretty much continuously. Due to the time difference I can see most of her posting is done at night. I think she posts while feeding her son. Videos accompanied by “This is me.” “This is my son.” “I am Palestine.” kind of stuff. She said in one post that her ability to care for her son has been affected by the secondary trauma of what happening in Gaza.

Then recently she began to go from “Death to Israel” to “Death to the Jews.” She posted in Arabic and I translated it. It was an insta story and then disappeared. And since then she’s pretty much transitioned from anti-Israel to Anti-western and fairly drastic Antisemetic stuff “They didn’t gas enough of you” that kind of thing.

Then she went on to say recently that anyone who doesn’t agree with her should kill themselves or be killed and burn in hell etc…

Now here’s the thing: I’m Jewish, non practicing, I have relatives in Israel and lost a friend to the Hamas attacks. I’m disgusted by the Israeli government at the moment and have a lot of sympathy for the Gazan people but I don’t hate the Israeli people either. I am actually quite middle of the road politically.

Being Irish, Jewishness is is not something I have ever advertised and I’m actually not sure I’ve I ever told her. If she’s aware and doesn’t care or has forgotten and doesn’t mind me seeing her posts.

My mistake is that I never responded to any of her posts and never argued with her. She seems to think we’re totally cool. So she contacted me wanting to see me over Christmas for a day or 2.

I’ve been having nightmares about it. I’m scared I’ll say something or do something that upsets her and she freaks out, or something I do or don’t say triggers her mental heath problems and she hurts herself. I also feel bad that my dishonesty caused this situation. If I has said something last year she would probably have ditched me and never wanted to see me again.

I would like some advice on how to proceed.

I would blow her off without feeling any particular guilt. I generally try to avoid disrupting friendships for political reasons, but her relentless banging-on about this particular issue suggets strongly that she would not be open to "agree to differ" and avoiding the subject. Feel free to ditch her.

You can either invent something else you are doing around that time if you are conflict averse. Or tell her openly what the issue is, if you want to go that way.

Cactuslife · 10/12/2024 22:35

This is extremism and wouldn’t be welcome in my house or my life.

Gaz98 · 10/12/2024 22:36

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GreenTeaLikesMe · 10/12/2024 22:37

I don't know why people are doubting the OP. I know a couple of people who are very similar. They don't see what they are doing as anti semitism, they see it as part of a generalized very left wing identity. It wasn't always obvious. During COVID, they were obsessed with masking and lockdowns for ever and ever. Then they moved onto Palestine in the past year or so. They focus on whatever issue is being amplified by TikTok or whatever at this moment in time.