I know his secret…. Thread 3

[Waffletots]

Starting another thread because the last one is full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226809-i-know-his-secret-thread-2?page=1

Thank you so much everyone for your messages, I appreciate them so much and you have truly helped me this past crazy few days to know I have so many people supporting me.
I’ve seen a solicitor this afternoon who has given me some good advice regarding finances and the legalities when it comes to our jointly owned home, a lot to get my head around but I feel a lot more informed now!
I’ve missed two calls from my husband since I last updated, I’m worried he’s going to come to the house to try and speak to me but hoping he may think my brother is still here and not bother!

Sending love and strength OP, agree with setting boundaries, no calls, everything in writing, no unannounced visits, contact initially through your brother/friend. He’s turned your lives on an axis and needs to respect that, particularly now, you have other priorities. Rooting for you, and don’t think this thread will be outing (if you’ve never used mn before he won’t be expecting you to post now).

I’d message along the lines of:

Ben,

I have spoken to the midwife to update my birth plan with a new birthing partner and seen a solicitor for some preliminary advice around divorce.

My dad or brother will be in touch to let you know when baby has arrived safely. Until then, please don’t try to get in touch with me.

My focus is solely on making the final weeks of my pregnancy as healthy and relaxing as possible. Any intrusions from you will compromise that and the health of the baby.

I appreciate you will need more clothing and want to see your three year old. My brother is happy to make the arrangements with you to facilitate this.

I’ll be in touch to discuss co-parenting and other longer term plans once I’ve recovered from the delivery.

Waffletots

Been following the threads and am absolutely in awe of your strength. Keep reaching out for support and advice, I follow a few threads of people in similar situations (minus the pregnancy) and support and advice is here as long as needed.

As others have said, he is legally entitled to access to the house. I am in complete agreement with others that have suggested a message to tell him that the marriage is over following his actions, priority now is the baby and ask for space to deliver the baby and bond before dealing with the legalities.

The very best of luck for your upcoming labour which hopefully will be swift and troublefree. You have amazing strength of character - obvious in this thread. And it appears you have wonderful support to help you through all of this. Just wishing you the very best for the future - I'm sure it holds only good things for you

It’s possible he’s asking you if the relationship “can come back from this” because he’s hedging his bets with OW. I suggest not giving him any indication for now and ignoring the question, to put him in a very awkward position as to what to say to OW

I've been following these threads since Sunday, and my heart goes out to the OP. I had a similar situation 8 years ago, though not pregnant.

Waffletots, you sound like you are dealing with the situation amazingly, and there is so much love and support from the MN community for you and your lovely family. At the end of the day, you will be better off without him, I made the mistake of taking back my cheating husband but it was never the same and we split for good a year later. Fortunately the children were too young at the time to really understand what happened, and since then I have tried to build a happy, safe home for the 3 of us.

There were difficult times, there were horrible conversations to have (at one point I thought I was going to lose my house) but your family sounds lovely and supportive (like mine). Don't be afraid to lean on them at this point, they all want the best for you. There is some excellent advice on this thread, but for now focus on your child and your soon to be newborn... everything else can be worked out later.

Sending you love and support, you can do this 💗

Leave your key in the door lock.

You might be better speaking with him on thd phone or getting your brother to speak with him on your behalf.

I doubt this given the OW was the one who outed him. She went nuclear when she found out about the pregnancy. Not that OP should give it a second thought.

You're doing so well OP. Stay strong. Another one here signing up to your support team.

OP, he's not who you thought he was, so please be very wary of him.

I think a lot of us are a bit 😟 to think of you alone in a house he can legally just walk back into, and being alone so close to due date.

Would it be possible for your brilliant relatives to move in, to be there for you?

And I agree, it would be wise for perhaps your brother to message him a cold, polite and factual message saying your and baby's welfare is everyone's sole concern now. As H's messages are distressing you at this difficult time, they should stop now and all communication must be through DB.

It would be best to know where he is - and is he spending family money on a hotel? Another reason to sweep half the joint account out.

Practically speaking he will need more of his clothes and possessions soon.

Maybe at a time when you are out at an appointment he could come and pack more, with your relatives keeping an eye? This would give fewer opportunities for unexpected pop-ins to collect things he 'forgot'.

I've just come across your third thread and read all back through the first two, open-mouthed at the horror of your husband's actions at this very precious and vulnerable time in your life. I'm so glad you have a supportive family close by.

You sound very together in the circumstances but you must be feeling like everything is unravelling. Something similar happened to me 18 months ago, though my child was a bit older (4) and I wasn't pregnant. It was horrific, though I also have a supportive family. It gets better.

You sound so dignified and I wish I'd achieved that in the early days. Sadly my hurt and anger took over for a few weeks and I said some horrible things to my ex about her behaviour. These days we co-parent amicably and I even speak to OW pleasantly when she's brave enough to make an appearance.

Just keep going in the way you are. He has lost something more precious than he knows. You'll have a better life without him.

brilliant and in control, though I might not show my divorce hand. Would be better just to have him served and use whatever time is needed for waffletots to get all her ducks in a row

There Is absolutely nothing to stop the OP from adding internal bolts. She's a woman on her own now and is entitled to extra security.

She's not saying he can never come in, but she's got a right to knowing when he comes. It wouldn't be reasonable for him to surprise her or come in at a time that doesn't suit her.

That's just common sense.

Adding my voice of support @Waffletots keep strong
I think you have an amazing intuition that will serve you well

You said you'd read about The Script before everything imploded, was that on here? I've not seen it referenced widely elsewhere (and in the back of my mind, I dread the day I begin to hear it).

Keep your silence, it's your protective force to be reckoned with.

Knowing about it (The Script) can only strengthen your power.

No mention of seeing a solicitor at the moment. Don't show that card.
Besides which, he could behave unpredictably to that nugget of news.

I think his messages are extremely uncaring and cautious because he is hedging his bets. Doesn't want any messenges which might endanger his relationship with OW being forwarded to her. I can't fathom any other reason for his lack of apology, regret, sorrow, guilt.
He's a fuckwit.

Could your mum or SIL move in with you for now?
Helpful on two fronts. When you go into labour there’s already someone with you to arrange care for your three year old and then go with you to hospital.
Secondly your husband is less likely to let himself in with another adult there ?
Good idea to ask your dad or brother to call him, ask why he was phoning you and if it was to see your dc maybe they could arrange access at one of their homes?
Expensive for every communication to go via solicitors ( been there done that paid the bill 😳) but he can go via your relative.

@ByQuaintAzureWasp you could be right. Which means he's staying with her for the moment.

For anyone who needs it, here's The Script. It's not you (though he says it is), it's him:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

Thinking of you op, you’re amazing. Your children will be fine, having a mum like you will get them through anything

I think you’re probably going to have to allow him visitation to your daughter. (Short because of the late stage of your pregnancy, etc). I would absolutely try and make sure that this happens with your parents or your brother around. (Witnesses.) Also, maybe one of them could pop in to put a chain on the back door as suggested by previous posters. I mean, in your vulnerable state, you’re bound to be concerned about security and it would be much cheaper than calling a locksmith. (Or just call a locksmith.) I’d also consider installing ring cameras. Very handy for avoiding future unwanted pop-ins and potential harrassment at the door.

Your utter shit of a husband would be wise to tread with* *extreme caution.

He must be well aware all your family now know what’s going on, and likely your midwife too. So glad you’ve got support around you, given you and your toddler’s vulnerability and your lil baby due shortly.

So sorry to read your posts, OP - a heartbreaking read. Look after yourself the best you can, and let your ‘team’ deal with the tricky stuff. You are amazing 🌸

Right now you hold all the cards. He does not like that. He is trying to control the situation in the face of having no control.

Remember this:
He knows you know- you've shown him what ow shared and his response has been cold and callous.

👉🏻He has purposefully not asked about you, your welfare, your child, your unborn child.
👉🏻He has purposefully not offered an apology or explanation.
👉🏻He has purposefully shown no interest in seeing your child.
👉🏻He has purposefully not attempted to excuse his affair.

He is very clearly saying he doesn't care about you - he is saying he holds you in utter contempt. He is a nasty bastard.

At this point you don't know what he wants or what his end game is. But you do know what you want. He doesn't know that though and the longer you keep your powder dry the longer you'll have control over the situation, and can deal with it on your terms in your own time to get the best outcome for you and your children.

The minute you respond to him you'll be ceding some control so give him the absolute minimum you can, keep comms focused only on what you need and language completely impersonal. Do not offer him any insight into how you are, he hasn't asked but he can see you're absolutely bossing this by your actions so don't say anything that might contradict that. He hasn't asked about or expressed a desire to see your child - so you do not need to offer this up. He knows you're physically vulnerable and hasn't asked about you/your babies health so you do not need to reference this.

What you need from him is him not turning up unannounced at your house, so this and only this should be the focus of your comms.
Even more powerful if it comes through a third party and not you.
Use chat gpt to refine the message if it helps!

I'd say / get a third party to say something like:

I don't need contact with you right now. You will be informed when my baby is born. For anything of yours you need from the house make arrangements with xyz.

Your dignity and self respect, the love of your children and family and when your baby looks at you with adoring unconditional love, will make the pain of this will be bearable.

❤️

Great idea.

Brilliant idea

I’ve read the whole thread and am in awe of your courgette and strength.

I’m concerned that he’s angry and stewing about his loss of control and would be very nasty to you face to face, especially if you were alone.

Maybe, with your DB’s help, you could send H a text stating a time for him to come to the house to collect more belongings. Swap cars with DB and have him at the house, instead of you.

This gives him a chance to collect anything he needs and would save you from having to see him. DB would also get a sense of what H may be planning, based on how he reacts to your absence etc.

DB can tell H to direct communications to him for the time being as you’re not ready to talk to him.

Stay strong. oo