I know his secret…. Thread 3

[Waffletots]

Starting another thread because the last one is full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226809-i-know-his-secret-thread-2?page=1

Thank you so much everyone for your messages, I appreciate them so much and you have truly helped me this past crazy few days to know I have so many people supporting me.
I’ve seen a solicitor this afternoon who has given me some good advice regarding finances and the legalities when it comes to our jointly owned home, a lot to get my head around but I feel a lot more informed now!
I’ve missed two calls from my husband since I last updated, I’m worried he’s going to come to the house to try and speak to me but hoping he may think my brother is still here and not bother!

Yes to @Hyggehogger (especially the wording “My Baby”) and Yes to @AuDHDacious idea also. (Even if you and DBro could maybe swap cars if that’s feasible with car seats?

I can't believe how well you are dealing with all this.

I wouldn’t let him know where you are in your thinking . I’d by some time to get ahead . I wouldn’t mention divorce, or he collecting his gear at all for now . Let him think there’s still a possibility you may allow him back . I wouldn’t communicate at all to him other than a small message like . . , hello dickhead, I need some clear space right now so I can focus on the pregnancy so would you please communicate with my brother and I will be in contact when I can . . Also , could you have someone like your brother stay over at yours whilst you have the baby so you know he can’t be there going through stuff .

Honestly I feel many emotions all at the same time, I’m swinging from one to the next constantly but I’m trying to keep my head level and concentrate on what’s important here, my children, everything else will come together in time (I hope!)

Good morning OP, it's very normal at this point to have all sorts of emotions, keep yourself busy and focus purely on yourself and the children. By Christmas you'll likely have a new baby to care for so having the support of your family is very helpful. Sadly he's shown no remorse whatsoever and that speaks volumes! Was he the type of person not to show compassion in the relationship? Your holding it together very well, be mindful of the crash when the shock wears off - this is when you'll need those around you most. Keep talking, keep feeling and keep that dignified stance up! You're doing amazingly well.

I have been thinking and come back to suggest that maybe get DB or Dad to message him and say something like “@Waffletots has asked me contact you with a request that you do not contact her for now. You will be notified when her baby is born. You can rest assured that we are all looking after @Waffletots and DD and will ensure that their needs are our first priority.”

My predictions for his texts today are...

'You have to talk to me' (you dont) and 'You cant keep my child from me' (you aren't). Hope you managed an ok sleep OP

Hey op. I woke up thinking of you so glad I found the new thread! You're on the ball seeing a solicitor already. Well done for how you're handling things. Were all routing for you!

You're so strong OP! Big hugs, you're dealing with this with such a grace!

Perfection.

Some good ideas above.
Be nice to yourself you're doing amazing!

Agreed - The texts will follow a very prescribed format in that they will be demanding, contrite, angry, demanding contrite etc ... unfortunately a lot of us will have received similar!

Just ignore them, and when you are ready, ask someone to respond with something along the lines of what's been suggested upthread.

Hope you got some sleep last night @Waffletots.

I agree with all the posters saying to take some money out of your joint accounts.

50% isn’t nearly enough though when you are taking care of 3/4 of the family. I’d start at 75% but seriously consider moving it all into my personal account.

Men can turn funny and you need to protect yourself, your children and your maternity leave financially. He’s not the honourable man he pretended to be and I wouldn’t trust him over anything now.

OP if I were you I'd arrange (with the help of an intermediary) for a time when he can go and collect his things while you are out.

@TimeForWine1 - You can if you have the right contacts, Mate. People will fit you in if they know your circumstances are like OP’s. She’s very motivated and is on mat leave so doesn’t have her own workload to shift about, and has family support to help with her DD. I suspect her grotty DH is in for a shock.

Well the Daily Mail are loving it

Fuck them! (But I hope they eat him alive)

Which means, if the OH sees it and recognises his situation in it, he will see the recommendations to remove money from the joint account etc. In which case if OP doesn't do that, I'd assume he will.

Your post has made it to the daily mail. Can't stand when they do that

Not sure how taking someone's post off here counts as journalism, but that's the Daily Mail for you! It's full of spelling mistakes too.

On the up side hopefully the prick and everyone he knows will see it and he will feel deep shame and embarrassment for how he has treated OP and their children.

I haven't stopped thinking of you OP 💐xx

When I got divorced (24 years ago). I told the bank who immediately froze all our accounts. This meant I could not pay any bills, mortgage etc. I don’t know if this still happens, but could you open an account with another bank that he does not know about and move some money in there, in cash if possible so it can’t be traced. Once he knows he can’t inveigle his way back in and is confronted with financial realities he will turn nasty. You are coping amazingly well, good luck

I like this too.

It's highlighting that you do not wish to see or speak with him at the moment but he will be told when baby arrives and that he has a line of communication with your family member i.e. brother so he can't whinge and moan that he's been completely excluded from the news.

You owe him nothing but going forward, you will obviously have to open up F2F/email communication with him at some point so that he is aware of your future plans of when he can see/have the children, that you get the house, divorce proceedings etc but for the time being, he can be held at bay by your brother/dad so that you can concentrate on YOU, your child and your new baby (when it arrives).

I’d be careful with this. He may think it implies you are considering taking him back. I’d be inclined to ask him to communicate via a family member or your solicitor. He will be hoping to speak to you directly so the gaslighting etc can begin. He may also try to persuade you to agree to things. I would avoid direct contact for as long as possible

Always a chance if a thread remains in AIBU unfortunately. Far less traffic in relationships, maybe that’s why MNHQ offered to move it for the OP which I think people suggested. Not to worry, sure OP has enough drama on her plate.