I know his secret…. Thread 3

[Waffletots]

Starting another thread because the last one is full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226809-i-know-his-secret-thread-2?page=1

Thank you so much everyone for your messages, I appreciate them so much and you have truly helped me this past crazy few days to know I have so many people supporting me.
I’ve seen a solicitor this afternoon who has given me some good advice regarding finances and the legalities when it comes to our jointly owned home, a lot to get my head around but I feel a lot more informed now!
I’ve missed two calls from my husband since I last updated, I’m worried he’s going to come to the house to try and speak to me but hoping he may think my brother is still here and not bother!

"He hasn't lost everything, he's thrown it all away"

This is what I'd point out to him.
I'd also tell him to communicate with me through someone else.

What a pathetic fucker.

My response would be...
"Well well well...if it isn't the consequences of your own actions".

You are acing this and everything I'd wished I'd been when I was in exactly the same situation 22 years ago.
Much love to you @waffletots

That's an excellent line. It hasn't mysteriously slipped away from him, he deliberately and willingly destroyed it himself.

Hey @Waffletots I hope you are baring up okay. I don’t know if this might help, but have you considered getting your locks changed? My sister went through a similar situation, and because her ex kept coming round (even after taking all his belongings), I arranged to have the locks changed. She was around 24 weeks pregnant at the time. For both doors, it cost just under £100.

Even though I lived miles away from her, I managed to find a local locksmith to sort it out. It gave her peace of mind and was one less thing to worry about. If he or his lawyers raise any objections, you can emphasise that the wellbeing of you and your baby is the top priority.

You’ve been amazing.

There’s no shame in any of the feelings you’ve displayed - would be weird if you hadn’t had them.

As others have said, you do need to head off his otherwise inevitable arrival with clear information.

“These are the consequences of your actions, made in the cold light of day for over a year. you chose to do this to yourself and our family.

I have lost my husband, trust, my family unit and all faith in you.

Your failure to see this from anyone else’s perspective simply underlines that you are not the person I thought I married.

This has been devastating and immensely difficult, as will be rebuilding my life from now, but you have made it easier by revealing who you really are with every message.

For further communication please be in touch with my brother or, if you’d prefer, he could deal with your parents instead of you.

(I’d be tempted to sign it off with a rote “best wishes”, but you may be a better person.)

”The dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed.” What a great example of this he is!

OP, at nearly 60, IMO, men that come from poor emotional backgrounds, with poor relationships with their family can often be very detached in their intimate relationships.
Its like they never learnt about secure attachment growing up so are unable to replicate what they don't understand.

He has appeared loving and involved but has been having a long term affair.
Isn't asking about his child.

Its arm chair analysis but he reads as very damaged and I think hard as this is now, you are far better to be done and to move forward with your life without him.

You can do this.

My marriage broke down in different albeit crappy circumstances when my eldest was 2. I didn't have the shock or newborn factor you have been subjected to but it sucked.

That was 5 years ago and the past 5 years were nothing like I pictured my life would be but they have been so great. And the pride you get by being your own woman and taking control is something else.

I think I read on one of your earlier posts that you are OK for money but lifestyle will take a hit. That was the same here too... Money got tighter but just downgraded the luxuries... It sucks but I it's not been that bad tbh.

Good luck with everything...solidarity x

I second this. My ex husband who put me through a very similar ordeal had an awful childhood and has replicated exactly what happened to him and has even acknowledged that! Except his reunion with his father happened, our son never got over it and doesn't want to see him ever again, indeed is counting down the days until he can drop his surname and take the new one he's chosen. My ex won't be banking on that. He thinks the 2 year old he abandoned is going to run into his arms at 16. He's in for a shock. Men who are damaged this way in childhood are often bloody awful husbands. My son, in our case, is going to break that pattern.

“Come on (my name) I have lost everything here”

I mean honestly. The audacity of him. This isn't some random event he had no control over. HE chose to cheat on you by engaging in a full on affair.

He chose this and clearly doesn't give a damn about the impact on you, your unborn child/toddler. it's pretty sickening tbh and I'm sorry you're going through this.

I too have read all 3 threads and am in awe of your strength. I wonder if your mama bear instinct to protect your babies has kicked in and the adrenaline of that will carry you through the next few weeks. Be prepared for a crash at some point though. Luckily, you have good support around you.
I also wonder if your STBX has twigged yet that he will be missing the birth of his child? What an absolute fool he is.

“Come on (my name) I have lost everything here”

What the hell did he think would happen when his affair was exposed?
The bloody unbelievable arrogance of him!

Whilst incredibly tempting, OP cannot change the locks and prevent him from entering his own house. Unfortunately he has every right to enter a house he jointly owns.

In regards to what to say to him, I would keep it formal and to the point.
Personally I'd say:

Please do not try to contact me. I need space.

• You will be informed when the baby is born.
• In regards to seeing the children, contact my brother to discuss arrangements
• In regards to the house, finances, divorce etc you will be contacted by my solicitor

Good for you. You've been very careful with information and very sensible. You've done nothing wrong and have nothing to hide.

Rest well

You often can when you live in a small town.

And your point is?

If your mother is a solicitor you can.

Sorry that your having such a shit time OP, I think when you have no inkling it hits a whole lot more. I was cheated on 20 years ago, luckily no kids involved but I did March to the hotel he was staying at and waited for him to leave after he dropped off the grid for 3 days, managed to track an atm withdrawal (I had his bank login) needless to say he was shocked when he walked out the lift with his side piece and saw me sitting there. I know, & DP knows if he did cheat he’d be out the door faster than he can say sorry and he also knows the kids would choose me (17 & 12) as I have a way better relationship with them ( not that’s he’s done anything to them particularly)
I hope your DH doesn’t spite the kids though, he’s still thier dad no matter what happened. Your brother is good, because if that was mine he would have killed him. I know it’s hard but try not to stress too much, that said I couldn’t imagine this happening whilst I was pregnant I would have flipped out. Sounds like you are handling this very well. Hopefully every thing gets sorted pretty quickly.

Come on @Waffletots, I have lost everything here, Will you speak to me, It’s nearly Christmas.

That rich, when his treacherous actions have caused these monumental changes in your life. And as for his attempt to guilt you about Christmas, he was carrying on with OW during Christmas last year with no regard or respect for you or his little child.

His self-absorption and egocentricity are off the charts. It’s his narcissistic mindset, the same one that enabled him to spin a narrative to you under false pretenses for a whole year - longer really, as there would have been a period of flirtation/EA prior to his and OW’s sexual involvement. He’s been a smooth operator in a double life, making whatever unethical choices suited him, all the while leaving no hints of his cunning duplicity. Behind his smile was a deep well of deception.

@Waffletots, you are doing so well to avoid being drawn into his Boo Hoo baiting. If you do respond, I like the two sentences you wrote stating your requirements at 13:30.

OP what an awful, awful thing to have happened to you. Especially being pregnant and right before xmas.

I am in awe of how brave and dignified you sound. Don't worry about the silly DM picking it up. You come off very well. Your husband does not (more concerned about himself rather than the effect on a very pregnant woman or a small child).

Beware of the hormones after giving birth which will make you so sad for the 'father' not to be there to see his child (although he is clearly not too bothered about them). As you say it is your security and faith that has been shattered and that is going to take a while to come to terms with.

I had someone cheat on me once (that I know about). I tried to stay and ignore it but it ruined the relationship. I felt betrayed, hurt, angry and humiliated. I could also never trust him again and drove myself mad wondering where he was, what he was up to constantly. Any peace I had was gone. Although it was heartbreaking to be out of the relationship and so sad at the loss of what could have been great, there was no putting the genie back in the bottle.

I agree with the poster who said be careful what you post here re legal actions you take etc. You definately don't want him or the other woman to get info like that. It does sound like you are very sensible though and have lots of family support which is brillant.

Sadly based on his behaviour it does seem he is only concerned with the inconvenience to himself rather than upset at what he has done. It is always very painful when you have to face up to a new harsh reality but you sound very strong indeed.

Your thread although a sad topic has been quite inspiring for the way you speak and are handling it.

Glad you have strong support OP. Wishing you all the best for the birth.

’Woman on mumsnet finds out husband is cheating!’ wtaf Daily HateMail?! Is someone actually paid for just copy and pasting from an online forum with a few GCSE English level adjectives thrown in? Where do we sign up for this easy money?

Your ex hasn’t lost anything; he gave it away when he fell dick first into another woman. What a prick to try and put it on you.

am in awe OP, keep going 💐

@Waffletots you poor thing. What an absolute shit your husband is. You will get through this and come out the other side so much stronger! Good luck for your birth, just focus on your children and getting through this. I had a similar thing when pregnant with my second child but we weren't married and this was 24 years ago. I never think about the sad sperm doner now and have a wonderful partner. Time will heal 💐