I know his secret…. Thread 3

[Waffletots]

Starting another thread because the last one is full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226809-i-know-his-secret-thread-2?page=1

Thank you so much everyone for your messages, I appreciate them so much and you have truly helped me this past crazy few days to know I have so many people supporting me.
I’ve seen a solicitor this afternoon who has given me some good advice regarding finances and the legalities when it comes to our jointly owned home, a lot to get my head around but I feel a lot more informed now!
I’ve missed two calls from my husband since I last updated, I’m worried he’s going to come to the house to try and speak to me but hoping he may think my brother is still here and not bother!

well it’s an assumption based on the fact she has a 3 year old and the fall out of of an affair to deal with. It’s not want she started the thread for, so likely not what she wants to be reading.

@Waffletots

Oh, best of wishes for the imminent arrival of your little one!

I agree with keeping anything financial to yourself. As far as H seeing DD, I'd suggest that arrangements are made for him to see her either at your parent's or your brother's without you present if that's practical. You aren't going to be in a place to 'absent yourself' from the house for a protracted period (and why should you?) so best he sees her elsewhere where he can't try to gaslight or guilt you. Since chances are he'll want to see the baby before you're able to travel to your parent's or brother's I'd also suggest that you have someone else with you when the time comes for him to meet the new arrival since it will probably be at the house. Preferably someone who will tell him to STFU and escort him out if he starts in.

I'm sorry but a work colleague would make subtle enquiries into a possible romantic partner's status. The OW is just as much to blame as the husband. She didn't know he was still living with his wife? I don't buy it. The bar is set very low here. Where did she think he lived? Why didn't she visit his home? I'm sorry but over a period of a year she met no family or friends and never went to his home. Total nonsense or she just didn't care.
Yes women are lied to but they are also very good at lying to their selves.

In the first thread the OP was contacted by the OW who said " But (your husband) has been sleeping with me for nearly a year, he told me he would leave you” apparently she feels bad because another coworker “let slip” that my husband and I are expecting again in a few weeks time."

So whilst he is her husband and he is the one that has been unfaithful, the OW knew he was married when the relationship began regardless of the tale he spun her and that the OP was a couple of weeks off giving birth when she rang the OP. It was vicious, nasty, manipulative and she had no though for a heavily pregnant women.

Which is where the scroll function come in handy.

Unless you think she wants to read your posts trying to police complete strangers?

@Waffletots your baby will be here imminently so you need to catch up on your rest if you can and look forward to welcoming your new baby to the world. everything else can wait and that includes custard!

She seems to be on top of things and dealing with the fall out exceedingly well, so I expect she can say if she’s not keen on the occasional derail. 48 hrs in I was incoherent with grief feeling like my heart had been ripped out. I certainly hadn’t made any decisions or dealt with anything. Kudos to her.

No so I’m keeping out of this derail now as it’s boring anyway. I just don’t understand why people come on threads just to derail them and take them over on topics that could be their own thread. Very odd.

You are one amazing woman!

Totally agree. I knew you'd get people defending the OW. Messaging a heavily pregnant woman with that news. They are both vile. OP sounds amazing - so strong.

OP I hope you know how brilliant you are - I realise you’re trying hard to keep it all together but you are doing so well - I’m in awe.
Be careful of the DM and MN too - don’t give too much away.
Your H sounds petulant and extremely self centred you are well shot of him.
I’d be tempted to say to him “yes you’re right it’s nearly Christmas but you and OW have taken a wrecking ball to it for me, my son, soon to be new baby and my family. However we’ll make it a wonderful one without you”.
Continue to ask your brother to deal with things - he sounds as brilliant as you. As does your SIL and parents.
In many ways you are a very lucky woman.

It's funny/awful how when someone you thought you knew betrays you like that and THEN shows you who they really are by how they handle the aftermath.

His messages are a joke and completely reveal him for the self-serving cock that he is.

"I've lost everything here"

No, you haven't. You've thrown everything away. OP has lost everything.

What a selfish, deluded, navel gazing prick.

OP I would be SO tempted to reply

You have not 'lost everything'. In fact you very much 'had everything' but decided to throw it all away, the result of which is that I have lost everything. And to answer your questions, hospital appointment was hard but baby seems ok and me and DS are doing as well as can be... oh wait, forget that, you didn't ask. Silly me.

This
It's tiresome and irrelevant to the op

Same here. It feels like your whole world has fallen down and I struggled to string a sentence together. I think I only spoke to my parents for days if not weeks after and I was heartbroken for my toddler DC, who was devastated too. Certainly would not have been of a mindset to go take legal advice, it took time for me to figure out what was the best way forward really. Quite embarrassed to think what a wreck I was.

Amazing how we all go through the old “grief curve” at different speeds. There was me, stuck up front in denial for months really, and OP has to all intents and purposes powered on to acceptance within days. Funny old game isn’t it, but as long as we get through it eventually.

Hope you got there in the end @PinkTonic

Thanks I’m fine. It was many years ago, I do still remember how it felt though.

I’m so pleased your parents have moved in @Waffletots. I wouldn’t worry too much at this point about when you need to go it alone, use the support from your family as long as you need it. Good luck with the impending arrival and well done on being so brilliantly strong.

“Come on (my name) I have lost everything here”

Another one just echoing the general consensus to this. The absolute cheek.
He knew what he was doing, you had no idea and had your world blown apart without warning, and he has the cheek to feel sorry for himself, you on the other hadn't have even heard an apology. He's a self-centered bastard

Just touching base to see how you are Waffletots. 💖
How exciting that little bub may arrive soon!
We're all rooting for you and your little ones. They are all that matter anyway.

Such a relief to hear your parents will be staying over from tonight. Hope your family hug you tight.

What you're experiencing is betrayal grief, it's a tough one. Be kind to yourself. Feel free to look up betrayal trauma and its different stages.

Don't focus on the shit custard or try to understand him.

He's trying to provoke you into a response. He's made his bed. He sounds like he has narcissistic traits, entitled, manipulative and self serving.

And if he is narcissistic you really don't want to be around when he looks to offload his deep sense of shame of his ruse being up. So stay safe.

Hugs xx

Just popping in to say I'm really sorry this is happening to you. You seem like a bloody brilliant mum putting your children first in a time that must be so difficult. Your family sound great too. It's nice to hear you have a great support network. Your "d"h is a very stupid man.

Wow hold strong Waffletots you are a total star. You shoukd be so proud of yourself. Your STBXH is a massive Cockwomble

The Daily Mail got hold of it then. As much as I hate to be that person who says I told you so, this is exactly what I was warning against.

He's lost everything? HE'S lost everything?? How very bloody dare he!!
He's the one who's been sleeping around and caused YOU to lose everything. What an actual cunt. And no explanation or apology, just guilt tripping you into a response? I genuinely hope he gets what he deserves, which is to be very, very alone.

Have you told the OW that she's welcome to him?

You are one strong mamma. I hope you’re doing ok xx

Look after yourself and keep your strength up. Your family sound lovely - I'm glad you have support IRL.

I can't believe his texts. He hasn't lost everything, he's thrown it all away.

Just found your threads and want to say I am in awe of you and the way you're handling this. I've only read halfway through the second thread so far but I'm so proud of you xx