I know his secret…. Thread 3

[Waffletots]

Starting another thread because the last one is full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226809-i-know-his-secret-thread-2?page=1

Thank you so much everyone for your messages, I appreciate them so much and you have truly helped me this past crazy few days to know I have so many people supporting me.
I’ve seen a solicitor this afternoon who has given me some good advice regarding finances and the legalities when it comes to our jointly owned home, a lot to get my head around but I feel a lot more informed now!
I’ve missed two calls from my husband since I last updated, I’m worried he’s going to come to the house to try and speak to me but hoping he may think my brother is still here and not bother!

You have been amazingly strong - I guess you've had little choice and would have preferred to not had to find out how strong you can be. Definitely let your family help as much as they can - even without all that has happened - if they are happy to help let them. I hope the birth is quick and smooth.

Do not blame yourself for being trusting - you wouldn't have married him if you didn't think you could trust him. The fault is all his. As for his "I have lost everything here” Whose fucking fault is that you massive twat. How you have not completely lost your shit is amazing. It's Christmas - well he needs to have word with the OW about her timing - sorry she disclosed it an inconvenient time for him.

Good point about not clicking. Thank you.

Hope you’re doing ok today.

His messages are truly astonishing. It's thrown around a lot, but he does honestly sound like a narcissist in the truest sense of the word.

Long term you are well shot of him @Waffletots

Very glad your mum and dad are moving in xx

Just adding my voice to the chorus to echo what PP’s have said - you are amazing OP, an absolute warrior of a woman. I’m so glad your parents are moving into support you.

I am a mental health clinician and I hardly ever say this, but I am concerned by your husbands behaviour - mos certainly narcissistic, totally devoid of empathy. I would encourage you to have no contact with him at this time and for all practical communications to go through your brother, if he would agree to this. Your husband is not to be trusted and you do not need to deal with more of his utterly bizarre incongruent nonsense right now. Best of luck with the safe arrival of your beautiful baby.

Good luck with then baby. Glad you’ve got the best support 💙
I am wondering what the OP is doing now. If she’s glad at what she done or whether she did it because he lied to her or whether it’s because she sees him as some kind of prize.
I hope they both have the shits on Christmas Day

@MintShaker I must of miss that ,where is the article ?

In the language of this these threads your ex-H really is a custard and has no courgette to be proud of.

His attempts to contact you are astonishingly lacking in remorse -and so full of self-pity. He has thrown away more than he will be able to understand.

Wishing you all the more support from your family and the very best for the birth.

Tbf lots of social media stuff makes it to online news accounts. Also Twitter spats etc. It isn't that it's headline news obviously.

Hope you're doing as well as you can be op .

'I have lost everything here'

The man really is a selfish fucker. ME ME ME, I'VE lost everything.

He hasn't even asked if you are okay, if your child is okay or his (imminent) baby is okay. It's unbelievable!

I wish you all the love and strength to get through this Waffletots ❤️

I'm glad your DPs are coming to stay Op, it gives you support and means you don't have to worry about him turning up when you're alone.
As @Plastictrees is a Mental health professional I'd take their opinion that your Ex is a narcissist seriously, if you have the head space it would be worth reading up on Narcissism and how it's likely to influence his actions. Narc's have a tremendous feeling of entitlement to behave as they like, please don't trust your Ex for a minute, shame is an alien concept to him

Im sorry this is happening to you, unfortunately I had a similar experience when pregnant... long time ago before Mn but it was a shit show

Im much more practical with my advice

get your council tax swapped to single adult only in the house - this will save you 25%

also if your normally earn less than £40k apply for Universal credit and do that online today asap as it is not back dated - you can apply and submit the form and then take in or upload all your evidences - this will help you with money whilst you are on maternity leave and possibly int he future.

Also he should now be paying you 15% of his net income in child maintenance - going up to 20% when the baby is born.

I didn't tell my ex when I went into labour and hospital, I did let him know when the baby was born and he had to wait outside until I was ready to see him. The staff were really good and looked after me and baby.

Hi OP, you have dealt with all of this with such incredible strength and dignity, You are incredible. You will absolutely get through this. Life will be beautiful again beyond the grief and pain, and a lot of beauty will be coming your way soon with new baby coming and of course your little one as they will get to be a big important big sister/ brother! So much love to you, your little one and baby soon to arrive.

I hope you are doing ok and not too uncomfortable with your bump. In my last pregnancy I got an electric heated mat to relieve back pain and was so nice ,(still using it)!) just in case your back is achey and also just a bit of warmth and comfort (I wasn’t comfortable in the bath with a big bump but the heat mat was easy to stick on) like this one:

www.amazon.co.uk/Electric-Automatic-Switch-Off-Temperature-Technology/dp/B07YJBJSHV/ref=asc_df_B07YJBJSHV?mcid=88648c4662f33f9ea94f446021c65d4a&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=697357044134&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=14274888725384969314&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9218426&hvtargid=pla-1071309305518&gad_source=1&th=1

@Waffletots I am in awe of you

So am I. Dignity personified. I wish you the very best OP.

This is such good advice, that I would never have thought of! Mumsnet is such a godsend sometimes.

He won’t ask about them and if you bring it up you’ll most likely get the generic reply of ‘I’m sure you would have told me if something was wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️)

I have everything crossed for you that your birth goes well and that that you manage to have a lovely Christmas despite the crap this bastard has put you through the last few days 🎅🏼

@Waffletots how are you? Any sign of baby yet. Thinking of you ❤️

He hasn't 'lost' anything.

He threw it all away. Literally.

He did this. He did. With his disgusting, selfish, lying actions.

For over a year!

No decency in him at all.

And he put your unborn baby at risk through his actions.

Perhaps your brother can make this clear to him.

I wouldn't allow him unsupervised visits with the 3 year old if you can avoid it at the moment; I'd be worried he wouldn't return him. Have your brother be present.

You really are quite an incredible lady, and one day very soon that silly H of yours will realise just how very stupid he has been to throw it all away.

You will be okay and far better off in the end, so keep doing what you're doing, you will get there in the end. It just takes time.

Wishing you and your little one(s) all the very best⭐

The only response to "I have lost everything" is, "Was she worth it?"

“I need some space and peace to process this which came as a massive shock. If you wish to contact me or make plans to see (our three year old) please go through (my brother)”

This might not be clear enough to him that it's over. That may read as "I just need some time to process it and we'll sort it soon".

Hopefully he gets the message soon. It's atrocious that he hasn't even asked about his child nor apologised. Christ, it really is all about him🙄

The only response to "I have lost everything" is, "Was she worth it?"

Oh I LOVE this response!!

Everyone, yes @MintShaker makes a good point about not popularising the DM article.
Thanks for that.

"I have lost everything here"

What a cheeky bastard. More like "I have thrown everything away here as I am a complete moron".

What an arse.