I know his secret…. Thread 3

[Waffletots]

Starting another thread because the last one is full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226809-i-know-his-secret-thread-2?page=1

Thank you so much everyone for your messages, I appreciate them so much and you have truly helped me this past crazy few days to know I have so many people supporting me.
I’ve seen a solicitor this afternoon who has given me some good advice regarding finances and the legalities when it comes to our jointly owned home, a lot to get my head around but I feel a lot more informed now!
I’ve missed two calls from my husband since I last updated, I’m worried he’s going to come to the house to try and speak to me but hoping he may think my brother is still here and not bother!

I am sorry op mow you know exactly who he is.

He isn’t interested in you or the dc, only totting up everything he has ‘lost’ due to his own stupidity. The sheer audacity of sharing that with you as you deal with the fall out, are caring for a toddler and due to give birth at any moment. It’s just breathtaking.

The OW has clearly dumped him after finding out you were pregnant. Yes he stands to lose everything because he didn’t value what he had.

I hope you are finding strategies to stay relaxed. Hot baths and calm thoughts. Ofc this is hard, but you will come through it op💐

"I have lost everything..."

No pal. You threw it away.

I admire so much how you have handled this OP. The whole thing is horrific and I hope that the birth goes well when the time comes.

@Waffletots
If you wan to, I think you could send a calm response such as ‘until a few days ago I was as happy as I could be looking forward to the birth of our baby and secure in what I thought was a strong, loving and happy marriage. Inside of a message all that was destroyed because the person I loved, trusted and held highest of all betrayed me. I have been living a lie. So no, we can’t get past it and that’s on you. You haven’t even apologised, not that it would change my decision. All this is on YOU, Christmas, new baby or not. For what it’s worth, I would never stop you seeing the kids and I hope we can talk amicably, but right now I’m trying to prepare for the new baby and to stay strong for that. Oh and don’t think of trying to pin this on the OW - it takes two. ‘Not interested’ was always an option.’

@Waffletots your story has the made the papers??

All that he has lost is by his own doing. The absolute twat. Imagine not asking after the children at all.

Stand your ground.

‘I’ve lost everything’.

Wow. I’m gobsmacked. Narcissistic and psychopathic.

This man is not a good man. He is not a good dad. He is not a good human. Please keep him at arms length. I think communicating via a third party is a very very good idea.

You did nothing wrong. You didn’t choose him. He probably chose you. My guess is you are a highly empathic, nurturing and accepting human being.

When you have headspace watch some Dr Ramani on YouTube. I think you might recognise him in her descriptions.

Agree with looking up Dr. Ramani.

He's lost everything? Who's fault is that? The arrogance to think he would never get caught and he could continue living a double life, astounding.

Yes. An exceptionally badly written piece in the Daily Fail. I expect nothing less from a paper that was pro Nazi until it became untenable as a business too. Lazy lazy and unethical, immoral ‘journalism’. Don’t suppose they will quote that!

Wishing you good look for a straightforward and uncomplicated birth. I’m so glad your parents are moving in with you and hope they can stay for as long as you need them there. Yes it will hopefully stop your other half from moving back in although as other posters have said he’s entitled to live in your jointly owned property. I think any man with a shred of decency would move out though.

Don’t do this. There is no point.

You need to ‘grey rock’ him. Minimal communication with zero emotional content. He doesn’t care about your feelings and sharing them just gives him more power.

What you are doing is perfect. very low contact via a third party if at all possible for a very very long time.

Christ Almighty, its like someone is given a lovely plate of food, instead of eating it they drop their trousers and shit on it, then wail "but my dinners ruined and I'm hungry"

What A Twat

@FoneyHungus not sure why you quoted me then spoke about the Daily Mail as well as quoting me here. The OP is more than capable of deciding what to do. In the post I said ‘if you want to’. It is entirely up to the @Waffletots whose advice she chooses to follow, if any.

Let me help your DH with some written English:
‘I’ve lost everything here’ should read ‘I’ve recklessly thrown away everything here’.
’It’s nearly Christmas’ should read ‘I will be reminded of my cruel and stupid actions every Christmas for the rest of my life’.
’Will you speak to me’ should read ‘I don’t deserve anything from you, but I am so sorry’.

He hasn't 'lost everything', he has known this was a potential outcome all along, it just didn't play out for him. You've had your recent history and near future with him taken away which must be difficult to adjust to, so I hope it's helpful to you that he's showing how utterly self-centred he is.

he has known this was a potential outcome all along

Actually, I don't think he did see losing OP and his loving comfortable lifestyle as a possibility - I think he thought he could just keep getting away with a wife at home and a bit on the side.

He never bargained on being found out or OP being so awesome and strong in her response.

The pained bleating of 'I've lost everything' calls to mind Otis Reading singing 'Mr Pitiful'.

In the circumstances isn't that the most perfect name? Nearly up there with 'Custard'.

"lost everything"

does that suggest he's also not with the OW perhaps? Is that what he's really aggrieved about?

This story will haunt me for Christmas. No good me reiterating how awful this is to you @Waffletots - it's impressive how you have got your sh!t together so quickly - hats off to you and your family - in the words of Gene Krantz (Apollo 13) I believe this is going to be your "finest hour" but I don't underestimate the great sadness you must be feeling.

Name calling is stooping to his level, hopefully ow has ditched him too and he has only himself and ow to blame, i bet work is a real fun place right now for them both.

I am so angry on your behalf.
What a pitiful and despicable excuse for a man he is.

You are such a lovely person, he doesn't deserve to lick your boots.

Your restraint with his text is admirable. I would be temped to tell him , he has not lost everything he has thrown everything away.

Grey Rock, save your strength for your new little one.
your brother can let him know when baby arrives, send a pic etc .

I'm going to get a teashirt made with, "It's nearly christmas" on it for sure. Every mumsnetter in the land will recognise it. Good grief what a plonker 💩

Good old daily fail, what a disgusting rag it is.

I'd urge noone on here to click on the article so that it doesn't become "popular" and rise any further up the site and falls off soon.

You're managing this awful situation so well @Waffletots, he's not only lost his wife and the mother of his two children, but an incredibly smart and articulate woman. You are fantastic example to your children.

When my cheating OH tried to make me feel sorry for him, the response I found most effective was "it was your choice". Because it was, he chose to cheat.