I know his secret…. Thread 3

[Waffletots]

Starting another thread because the last one is full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226809-i-know-his-secret-thread-2?page=1

Thank you so much everyone for your messages, I appreciate them so much and you have truly helped me this past crazy few days to know I have so many people supporting me.
I’ve seen a solicitor this afternoon who has given me some good advice regarding finances and the legalities when it comes to our jointly owned home, a lot to get my head around but I feel a lot more informed now!
I’ve missed two calls from my husband since I last updated, I’m worried he’s going to come to the house to try and speak to me but hoping he may think my brother is still here and not bother!

Does he think he's living in a Christmas Carol.Where he gets a second chance, just because it's christmas?

With the DM picking it up, prepare for the possibility that your ex or his mistress might access the threads and gain more insight into how you're handling things, particularly with regards to seeking legal advice etc. Take care and protect yourself @Waffletots

Sorry I can’t remember who asked but I have my parents moving in with me today as I feel the baby is preparing to make an appearance!
This was the plan before all this happened and my 3 year old knew that their grandparents would be staying with us when the baby was “nearly here” so it makes my little one feel like things are normal at least that’s my goal!
It makes sense as my Dad can stay home with my little one and mum will already be here with me to drive me to the hospital, my sister in law can meet us there.
It will also deter my husband from coming around, seeing 3 cars on the drive instead of one! I hope anyway! They’ve offered to stay after the birth too so I have some support, I will see how I’m doing as I’m aware I will need to go this alone at some point!

His messages get worse and worse. I'm almost willing him to ask after your poor DC but no. Seems it doesn't enter his mind.

Thank you, I don’t feel like I’ve disclosed many details regarding what I’ve done so far bar the visit to the solicitor but will keep my cards close to my chest regarding financial aspects for sure from now on

@Waffletots I found the shock as you say of realising 'you never really knew them' was such a huge one to process. I 100% would have been one of the 'not my Nigel's' on mumsnet. He wasn't really 'the type'- not a flirt, never used to make comments about women - a bit of a 'new man' - turns out he was just like most other men in turns of boosting his ego so long as I was oblivious.

It's a dreadful thing to happen OP but it will make you stronger in the long term and also wiser as to always make sure you look after you and your little ones 'first' and foremost - I had my H on a bit of a pedestal- always put him first , was a bit of 'a cool wife' when it came to friendships and trust etc and in my case it came back to bite.

He's lost everything?!!!!
WTAF he's a huge cockwomble who seems to have 2 massive blinkers on that this is all caused by his actions!!!

Be prepared for the next stage and when that doesn't work the threats of harming himself to get your attention. Your not responsible for any of his actions his pit is all his own hand!

Well done on being steadfast @Waffletots if you have a wobble re-read your updates from today!

What an utter tool. It's Christmas....as if that makes it all ok.

I hope you have a smooth birth and your 3 year old enjoys meeting his or her sibling in due course! (They may, like my first born, take an instant dislike!).

He's still not sorry then! Just whining about how much he has "lost" due to his actions.

Brilliant update, the perfect arrangement.

Put him out of your mind. Focus on your task ahead and its beautiful outcome.

Let your family take the strain of dealing with him.

There's only one possible response to him saying he's lost everything.

Oh dear, how sad, never mind.

My mum stayed for 3 weeks when I had my second and definitely wasn't going through what you are that was just to help out!

Yes you do have to do it alone at some point but that doesn't have to be an immediate some point! Take the help especially with a toddler and you cross the bridge of doing it on your own with 2 when that time comes and it ready. It doesn't have to have a set time frame agreed upfront right now though.

Reported. Rather than troll hunt, report the thread if you think you must. FFS.

Absolutely, you've been impressively careful.
If he were to stumble across the threads he'd mostly be faced with how unforgivable his actions have been and how glaring his lack of concern or apology speaks to his self-centred shitty personality.

The food autocorrects here have brought some light to the awfulness of it. I saw another one this morning, wishing @Waffletots "courgette". I think the poster meant "courage" 🤣.

Custard works!

He hasn't 'lost everything', he has known this was a potential outcome all along, it just didn't play out for him. You've had your recent history and near future with him taken away which must be difficult to adjust to, so I hope it's helpful to you that he's showing how utterly self-centred he is.

Best wishes for the imminent birth of your beautiful baby

Let them stay as long as they are happy too
Also untill you feel storing enough that he can’t weaken your wall and get in when you are vulnerable. .

Just wanted to wish you all the best, op. I’m quite speechless at the behaviour of your dh, although there’re of course plenty of examples on here. Sending you and your family lots of virtual love 💐

I had to smile at wishing the OP courgette

Thanks to the hideous DM, I think we have to assume the spineless POS H will be reading these comments. Whilst it's not at all nice for the OP, at least he will get an insight into how his actions will be seen by other people, indeed for the rest of his life, as actions as reprehensible as these will follow him down the years.

OP, you continue to be magnificent and the best possible example for your precious children. We're all thinking about you. Only update if it helps you to do so - you don't owe any of us any information at all about what's happening with you. I'm keeping everything crossed for a calm, uncomplicated birth and the happiest first meeting with your new tiny one xxx

I would text him something like 'well you've certainly shown the wrong way to handle the aftermath. You haven't even attempted to apologise. Not once have you even asked how DC is. You are the perfect example of what not to do when caught out in an affair. And, the perfect explanation of why I am so done with you and divorcing your arse.'

He hasn't lost anything. He threw it all away, deliberately destroyed it all when he chose to stick his penis into his mistress. Fuck him and his unbelievable whine fest and complete absence of any sort of contrition. I hope @Waffletots that his behaviour is making things easier in some ways. Hard to love someone who treats his heavily pregnant wife and child as bit part actors in his self -inflicted tragedy.

Useful info here about the stages of grief (original research was about bereavement but applies to any significant loss/change). I found it very helpful in understanding and managing myself during a bad breakup. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_stages_of_grief

That realisation wat you don't know your husband at all just adds to the shock and pain. I would have put my families life on my now ex husband never cheating on me. Then he did.

If you wanted to know, could you check the bank account to see if there are payments to a hotel etc ?