I know his secret…. Thread 3

[Waffletots]

Starting another thread because the last one is full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226809-i-know-his-secret-thread-2?page=1

Thank you so much everyone for your messages, I appreciate them so much and you have truly helped me this past crazy few days to know I have so many people supporting me.
I’ve seen a solicitor this afternoon who has given me some good advice regarding finances and the legalities when it comes to our jointly owned home, a lot to get my head around but I feel a lot more informed now!
I’ve missed two calls from my husband since I last updated, I’m worried he’s going to come to the house to try and speak to me but hoping he may think my brother is still here and not bother!

Wow, he really is a selfish idiot!
You're doing amazing @Waffletots, stay strong x

As for the 'I have lost everything' message, he hasn't lost anything, he just threw it away. His messages are gobsmackingly self centred.

Have you managed to check joint account/savings etc? I hope he isnt using family money to fund his hotel stays.

His behaviour is sociopathic. I am genuinely dumbfounded he hasnt once apologised or asked after his children.

Absolutely, the hardest past of this is realising that I never really knew him at all. I trusted him blindly 100%, I felt very secure, I thought we were on the same page but it was all a lie, that hurts. It’s like I’m grieving the future I always thought we would have, I need to allow myself to feel that so I can move on with my life I know but it’s hard to go there in my head. Trying very hard to hold it all together!

I can't believe he's trying to position himself as the victim, he thinks he can make you beg him to come back OP.
He's a stone cold manipulative piece of shit, I wouldn't want him anywhere near my children.
I bet he's telling the ow that you are begging him to come back, trying to play you off against each other.
He's very pissed off that he's lost his cozy little setup, wife at home absorbed with the children while he's off having fun with his mistress. For this man the purpose of having children is to occupy the wife so that he can do whatever he fancies whilst appearing to be a 'good family man'.
All he wants is to get back on that gravy train.

I rarely respond on these threads but his behaviour, both before the 'secret' was out and since incenses me.
For all he knows you could have had your baby, he has no idea where or how his 3 year old is because he hasnt asked and continues the poor me messages. He's despicable.
I'd be telling the fucker to write me a letter if he wants to communicate.

You’re doing brilliantly. We love you waffletots!

Oh @Waffletots i have been feeling for you reading this over the last few days. You are an amazing woman and mother, don’t forget that.

Hes making it bloody easy for you though, no apologies, no asking after, child, you baby? Just wallowing in a pool if his own self pity. A pity party for one. It beggars belief to be honest.

It’s going to get worse before it gets better but you have been amazing.

💐

We have our own accounts and the only account we share is the joint account for the household bills so I can’t see his transactions etc

Is your DC at nursery school? If so, do let them know that only you or your family are to take your child and they mustn't let anyone else.

That's exactly what I thought!

I’ve been following this thread from the beginning and I’m full of admiration about how you’ve handled this. I’m so sorry about what’s happened and really hope you don’t back down and take this despicable man back. One thing that no one else has picked up on is that this might not be the first affair he’s had although of course he’ll insist it is and no doubt blame you for why it happened in the first place.

Come on (my name) I have lost everything here”, “Will you speak to me

Hi OP, just like his other texts to you, HE is still the centre of his own thoughts. There are still no thoughts from him about you, your child, or your baby on the way. Know now that he will ALWAYS prioritise himself, and will NEVER change 💐

You are so right Waffle - you are grieving for the future you thought you had - it is a painful but necessary step on the long road to your new normal. You will get there as you have amazing strength of character and an awesome family - your children are very blessed to have you.

If OP googles 'definition sociopath' the search results seem to describe him well, especially the complete lack of remorse/ apology and sole focus on himself.

I've been reading these threads and I am completely shocked that he hasn't apologised, or asked about his children or his wife who has had to deal with his infidelity while about to give birth. He wants sympathy for having lost everything???? Unreal.

Just be aware @Waffletots that he may well move soon to the “anger” stage of The Script. You’re not playing the way he thinks you should - you’re not begging him to come back or accepting his (non-existent) apologies so the next step is to blame you. This will be all your fault for not being more attentive to him/paying too much attention to your child/career/insert facetious excuse of your choice.

Just brace yourself.

Agree with previous posters that you should stick to only the contact element when you respond. Be prepared that no matter what you say he is going to show up at the house. I’d guess today - definitely by the weekend. The self-serving twit is never going to respect what you say.

Please have someone at home with you

@Waffletots I totally get you with the realisation that you didn't know him at all. I felt exactly the same. Stuff that came out after he'd gone (largely from his own parents) made me realise this was a pattern of behaviour. It would never have changed and I regret doing the pick me dance (OW "won" that one). I imagine he's very angry with OW and work is difficult. Good. I doubt that relationship will go anywhere and I'm very glad she's not contacted you again. OW in my case continued to send me abusive and sadistic messages and emails, threatening me and my kids. I'm glad you don't have that shit to deal with.

It's probably about now that you get a family member to supervise some contact with your LO. It'll be interesting to see if he actually takes that up. It is absolutely like grief. It's horrendously difficult but it does get easier and better and eventually you feel nothing but relief.

I hope Custard, or Bastard like I said earlier gets a shit christmas with his miserable family, the unfriendly parents(his).I know you.may have to except him back in the house.You may have to share accomodation, but hopefully, you get a peacefull christmas without this shitbag.

I’m wholly and completely your cheerleader waffletots. I don’t know you from Adam but think the way you have handled this terrible situation is magnificent. Your husband is a fool of the first order, he has lost a fantastic woman and the mother of his children and believe me he will regret it for the rest of his life.

i wish you and your children a successful future full of love, joy and health. Just get through this horrible bit then go and live a wonderful life. You’ve got this.

I declare that waffletots cheating husband from this day forward should be known on MN as:
Custard

Sorry @Waffletots that is what I meant, has he taken anything he shouldnt from the joint account? I agree with others that his behaviour may turn nasty the more frustrated he feels at your (completely correct) lack of reply. Personally I would move from the joint account and only put back in when bills are due.

He isn't at all who you tbought he was, so be prepared for him to do things like, drain the joint account.

I'm sure you/your dad have thought of all this but just in case.

He actually wrote "I have lost everything here"?! No, he hasn't "lost" anything, he THREW IT AWAY! (Or is he another one of these men who doesn't understand the concept of TRUST in a relationship and thought you'd just roll over and excuse his massive betrayal?). Is he seriously expecting your sympathy? How dare he after what he's done! 😡Well done OP for proposing to respond with the dignity and self-control we've come to expect of you (and are in awe of, particularly when the temptation to write a succinct "F* you!" could be overwhelming). You're doing a great job OP. 🤗