I know his secret…. Thread 3

[Waffletots]

Starting another thread because the last one is full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226809-i-know-his-secret-thread-2?page=1

Thank you so much everyone for your messages, I appreciate them so much and you have truly helped me this past crazy few days to know I have so many people supporting me.
I’ve seen a solicitor this afternoon who has given me some good advice regarding finances and the legalities when it comes to our jointly owned home, a lot to get my head around but I feel a lot more informed now!
I’ve missed two calls from my husband since I last updated, I’m worried he’s going to come to the house to try and speak to me but hoping he may think my brother is still here and not bother!

I’ve just been reading daily mail online.

I did not see it

I was in the Daily Mail a few years back. An article about me had been lifted from a magazine and was splashed all over the paper. I was really cross but there was apparently nothing I do!

Nor me. Looked twice, second time purposely for the article, still couldn't find it.
Can't see that it's newsworthy anyway, happens all the time.

I've read it and it's just a summary of what OP and other posters have written, which anyone who cares to go into Mumsnet could read. No commentary, opinion or advice. A few ignorant comments below the article but that's about it. It's lazy padding.

OP, much as I would love to know how it goes, we've no right to!

I'd say it would be wise to consider the great advice you've had here, rely utterly on your brilliant family and midwives and take legal, financial and medical advice. And step back from sharing your plans here.

If he does attempt to use the fact you've discussed it online with an international audience and it's got in the Mail, have your statement ready.

How the absolute shock of this unexpected betrayal led you to seek the advice, support and guidance of women who have had this unthinkable thing happen to them.

How their kindness and wisdom helped you in your worst moments and gave you strength to carry on at this vulnerable time in the depth of winter with your delivery only a few weeks away.

The Script also contains an element they very often fail to anticipate - the Woman Scorned. And he now has two of those.

Please stay safe, stay supported and cocooned and keep resolutely seeing the truth now the mask is off, no matter how he tries to wriggle and spin it.

Hi everyone, I had no idea the Daily Mail had picked up on this so thank you for the heads up.
I’m sure if people know me personally it will be pretty obvious it’s me which is quite embarrassing as I lived out many emotions on here as it was happening… but as I mentioned in my last thread, I knew this was a possibility and I’m so glad of your support that it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. I’ve done nothing wrong and I shouldn’t be the one who is ashamed.

Just a quick update for you all and the DM 🙄
I slept on and off, no visitors to the house! Had a few messages again last night and today, seems panic is setting in for my husband who has now started to say things like “Come on (my name) I have lost everything here”, “Will you speak to me” and my personal favourite “it’s nearly Christmas”
I assume we are moving onto the guilt trip phase, I guess he missed the memo about the apologetic part 🤷‍♀️
As suggested here I plan to message back something along the lines of “I need some space and peace to process this which came as a massive shock. If you wish to contact me or make plans to see (our three year old) please go through (my brother)”.

I'll say it because I know OP wasn't sure how to get this thread moved but I agree it would be better in relationships. It's always AIBU that gets copied and pasted.

@MNHQ can you help?

I hope that's ok with @Waffletots and I'm not overstepping.

@Waffletots You've got nothing to be embarrassed about, the only people who should have shame are your ex and his OW. He's lost everything. The absolute AUDACITY of the man. I agree reply simply with "it's over, I need space, here's how you see child". If it were me I'd also add "have a nice Christmas" but I'm a petty bitch 👀

As suggested here I plan to message back something along the lines of “I need some space and peace to process this which came as a massive shock. If you wish to contact me or make plans to see (our three year old) please go through (my brother)”.

@Waffletots Honestly, I'd just send the last part of that message. He'll read the 'space and peace to process it' as. 'Ah she just needs a few days to calm down' and think he'll have an 'in'.

I’d be tempted to point out to him he hasn’t “lost” everything, he actively destroyed it. His actions, his repeated choices, his lies. YOU have had everything taken away, you have suffered a loss of trust, of family. He knew what he was doing for the entire year.

@namechangeGOT That's a fair point actually!

@Waffletots wow, a classic 'me me me' response!

What about what you have lost? Not one single acknowledgement of that?

And yes, cheap emotional blackmail with the 'It's nearly Christmas'.

I would suggest you don't respond personally but get your brother to message him speaking on your behalf with your approval of course. A response from you could look like a door opening a chink.

And move to more formal email, rather than texts / phone calls. Easier to keep, file, copy etc.

V gentle and careful hugs.

I would never stop him seeing our child, he hasn’t asked me about them or anyone else in my family either. My little one has asked a few times “where’s daddy” then run off to play like most three year olds, they’re not constantly asking or upset but I’m sure they would be happy to see their dad, I can’t force it. He hasn’t even asked how they are or the baby in my stomach!

Can't believe his "come on, I have lost everything here" still not taking responsibility that he has lost everything because of HIS actions. And the old cliché question, did he really not consider that when he was screwing around for a year??

You have done nothing wrong OP, his own actions have come back to bite him, just before Christmas, which is his fault.

What a dickhead. "I've lost everything". What a guilt trip. You are showing nerves of steel OP well done.

By his ‘I’ve lost everything here’ I’m guessing the OW has also kicked him to the curb when she found out he wasn’t about to leave anytime soon and you were in fact, as far as you were aware happily married.
Ive read your posts in awe, I’m not sure I would have dealt with the situation half as well.
You’ve been in my thoughts today, hope you have been managing to get some rest.

Hi OP, you are amazing and an inspiration for lots of us.

As for, “Come on (WaffleTots) I have lost everything here”, Yes, he has.

You and your family (parents, brother, SIL) sound lovely. Your husband was so lucky to have married into such a lovely, supportive family - and such an IDIOT to have forsaken all this for a cheap thrill.

Wishing you all the best for the birth.

This 1000%

You’re right, I shouldn’t be the one doing the explaining! I would also love to put have a nice Christmas 🤣 but better not 😉

Do you know where he might be staying? Hotel? Family? The OW?

I've been watching these threads for a few days but I saw your latest update and wanted to comment.

I "love" how he's putting the onus on what HE has lost. With no apparent guilt over what his wife and children have lost. He dipped his wick elsewhere, no-one to blame but himself.

I am sending you oodles of strength OP for the days, weeks and months ahead. I hope the birth goes smoothly and as stress-free as possible and I hope you have a lovely Xmas despite the circumstances.

He really is extremely heartless. It’s quite extraordinary that his sole focus is on himself without any meaningful consideration for you, your unborn baby and your child.

You must be seeing such a different person to the one you thought you knew.

I have no idea, I doubt it’s with family, they’re not very close at all (plus live too far for him to travel to work) and I think he would be too proud to go there with his tail between his legs.
In my head I assumed with the OW, but now I’m thinking it must be a hotel or similar.

@Waffletots

What an absolute a**e - my answers would be

“Come on (my name) I have lost everything here”,
“Will you speak to me” and my personal favourite
“it’s nearly Christmas”

1 Should have thought about that before shagging someone else for a year
2 No
3 It is - all the tv adverts give it away

You are an inspiration Waffle - stay strong lovely.

Would be wise from the start for your brother to discuss arranging for him to see his DC without hindrance.

Parental alienation is an accusation that can have consequences, so being seen to be reasonable from the beginning will help.

He has the right to have access to his child. He does not have the right to access to you.

He could be invited to see DC on neutral ground, with relatives present and you elsewhere.

They'll also need to listen to what he says to DC - never too soon to start planting lies in a child's head.

This just gets worse, he’s lost everything here! Eh yeah as you were shagging someone else for a year.

id not prompt him to see the kid, and personally I’d not say I need time to process it, as that reads like it means you might forgive, as in process and then hey welcome back. I’d text and say it’s over also. And you will revert with the logistics behind that once you’ve processed it.