To admit my older child is missing out

[fwel]

No idea what to do about it.

Two children, age 4 (starts school next year) and eighteen months.

The 18 month old is so full on, has to be carried everywhere, follows me around whingeing and crying if I don’t, grabs me so I can’t move. She takes so much time and space and energy there’s nothing left for the 4 year old.

I feel so guilty. I watch friends with same age children actually spending quality time with them, teaching them things. Mine is borderline ignored.

You need to start being firm with the 18 month old, they shouldn’t be picked up and carried all the time now but encourage some independent play. I would also include them in games with the 4 year old too, things you can all play together to help them bond. You don’t want your 4 year old growing up resentful.

You need pockets of play, 10 minutes dedicated sessions preferably without the 18 months old.

If the 18 month old won't settle down do it at the kitchen table with toddler in their highchair playing with salt dough / threading Cheerios on to spaghetti or pipe cleaners into the colander and you playing a game with the 4 year old, things like Guess Who and Connect 4 and Orchard Games.

Can you get someone else.to.look after younger one for an hour or two? Or look at a nursery

It is a worry. She won’t go in the high chair, for instance. Mostly she just incessantly follows me around whingeing, or it feels like it anyway.

They will sometimes play together for a bit but generally only for a minute or two max before someone takes someone else’s toy.

Put her in a play pen so she is safe and make time for your older one - maybe half an hour at a time. Generally it sounds as if you need to be a lot firmer with your toddler. Why won’t she go in the high chair? You need to ignore the whinging.

She just won’t - arches her back and stands up (she can get out of it easily; so could DS.) I am always awed when I see toddlers just sat in high chairs.

I doubt she would stay in a play pen. And even if she would it’s the crying and whinging that’s hard. I can’t really have quality time with DS with that going on in the background.

There's no reason you can't sit with them both and read a story or sing action songs. I had 2 close in age and they loved stuff like that.

Presumably the toddler naps. I tell my 5 year old to think of something she wants to do during nap time and we spend this hour together. I also do activities with all 3 children can do sat together at the table and can then split attention between them ie colouring, playdough, bricks/duplo, puzzles.

Do you have a partner?

Can you have DC2 with a relative or child minder for 2 short sessions a week so DC1 can have some 1:1 time with you?

I know what you mean OP

people say be firmer but how can you concentrate of anything with screaming and shouting.

People say give them quiet play eh play doh but some children can’t sit an do stuff

my first DC1 was like your dc2. It’s just their nature. My second is a lot easier going - would do a playpen or some scribbling with crayons etc.

I think you either need nap time to do stuff with older child or childcare a few mornings for DC2

I used to use a wrap to tie my DD on my back. She was near me, my hands were free and I could give a lot of attention to my eldest. Maybe worth a try?

I think there are a few things you can do-

1. dedicate time to your pre schooler during toddler’s nap.
2. can your partner spend time with the toddler whilst you get time with preschooler? Some people seem to have this idea it’s always the older one who goes with dad.
3. can you toddler go to nursery at all or can anyone look after them for you sometimes?

So if you gave her with something really tasty, like a yogurt or some cheese, but she wasn’t allowed it outside the highchair, she wouldn’t stay in the high chair?
Have you tried all distractions - like really high value activities? Painting, sensory play, bubble machine etc

Years ago I was away with friends & some of their friends including a couple, who had a baby & a 5 year old. I was chatting with the 5 year old one afternoon & he suddenly said, to me, a stranger, 'mummy doesn't give me cuddles any more since the baby came', he looked so sad. I fed what he had back to my friend who fed it back to his parents. OP, it will be tough for a time while you redefine the boundaries with your youngest, but it needs to be done so you have two happy children who feel loved.

Your 4yr old will be at school next year so you will have even less time with them, they will notice that. Be firmer with the younger one, say no. Currently you are being really unfair.

Lots of responses. Thanks.

So - @Donimo yes, she does nap. However I simply can’t get her to nap at home without a huge fight. I have to time outings so she has car naps because I just can’t take her fighting naps at home, it’s horrible. I actually suspect she will drop her nap in the next six months or so.

@TheThreeCheesesOfTheApocalypse44 When I try to read a story to them both DD doesn’t listen, isn’t interested, sometimes she’ll toddle off with me in eye range and play but it’s short lived and then she’s trying to climb over the book, snatch it. Nightmare

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood i don’t have any relatives who could help and just can’t afford paid childcare.

@Nc546888 the sad thing is I think she is quite easygoing but she’s been plagued with teething and ear infections and calpol only helps so much. I guess she wants me for comfort but it’s draining.

@Phonicshaskilledmeoff she is a strange child indeed and doesn’t like yoghurt. However yes she does refuse the high chair; I’m not sure how unusual or otherwise that is, as I say my first was the same, just kept standing up and eliciting shrieks of dismay in Morrisons cafe …

But bribery with say ‘sit down for this smartie’ wouldn’t work? (Cue the mum shaming for bribery with chocolate….)

I don’t really know what highchairs have to do with this post to be honest but no, not for any length of time. I certainly wouldn’t be able to do a meaningful activity with DS, which I guess is what we’re asking.

Put her in the high chair or play pen. I did it with the DT’s so each could get some one on one time.

I had dd1 then twins and always felt bad for dd1. They all reached an age I had to shift the order and they could wait for me to help dd1 first. Now dd1 is 16 and the loveliest teen with a wonderful relationship with me.

my best advice is to chill and go with the flow. 18 mo dc aren’t usually good at independent play. I think that’s rare. To get them playing together, you need to get older dc on side to be your helpful helper looking after younger dc. They won’t play as equals alone yet.

Thanks, he is very sweet although tends to lead her astray a bit!

It’s more she is really clingy and specifically to me. I don’t remember DS being like this at 18 months! And she isn’t doing anything ‘wrong’, but putting her in a playpen or high chair would be fine if she sat contentedly; she doesn’t.

What about taking her out on a pushalong trike and your son on a pedal or balance bike? Then you can chat away to him as he cycles and she'll be a bit more content (hopefully). Also Calpol is pants, I'd just go for nurofen.

Tbh I couldn't do anything with my two when they were both pre schoolers. It was just control the chaos. I'm in awe of the parenting skills of the other posters on this thread.

I don’t have any answers OP, only sympathy. Mine had a similar age gap and I often felt te same as you, with a very emotional abd demanding DC2. I had childcare help though, so I could get some time alone with DC1 and I see that’s not an option for yoii. Please be assured that although it’s a hard phase I don’t believe it’s actually damaging to your DC1. I do believe they’ll be all filled up with love from your earlier time together. Can you say to DC1 something like ‘gosh we love DC2 so much don’t we, but sometimes it’s hard for you and me to get enough cuddles!’ Just a bit of empathy for what DC1 might be feeling. And maybe some toddler groups where DC2 might get busy with a toy so you and DC1 can eg look at a book together ?