To admit my older child is missing out

[fwel]

No idea what to do about it.

Two children, age 4 (starts school next year) and eighteen months.

The 18 month old is so full on, has to be carried everywhere, follows me around whingeing and crying if I don’t, grabs me so I can’t move. She takes so much time and space and energy there’s nothing left for the 4 year old.

I feel so guilty. I watch friends with same age children actually spending quality time with them, teaching them things. Mine is borderline ignored.

Do you manage to get a break? It can be so bloody difficult at that age.

It would be a rather horrid thing to do though, to put a toddler in a cot and ignore her when she’s only wanting comfort.

@404ErrorCode it is exhausting. And relentless. It isn’t forever and I know logically it goes fast in many ways. I just have to get through the next few months then DS is at school … then the year after DD will be 3 which I think is a big turning point.

Well, the older child will remember what you didn't do for them. The younger child will not.

Screaming doesn't make the small one in more need than the big one. It just makes them somewhat more unpleasant to ignore.

Your eldest shouldn't miss out on mama because you don't want that discomfort.

Don’t beat yourself up op, your 4 year old had undivided attention until the 18 month came along it’s just part and parcel of having more kids

It isn’t about what they can remember. By that logic I can do whatever I want to her, ignore her, be unkind to her, and it doesn’t matter if she won’t remember it. We know that isn’t true.

I’m in the same boat with a very clingy, difficult 2-year old, and my 6 year old DS can sometimes feel left out. I also have a 6-month old baby, which creates a different dynamic to your situation.

I honestly think that you need to be more comfortable letting your 18-month old whinge and cry without picking her up. This morning, my 2-year old stood screaming and crying in the kitchen wanting me to hold her, while I prepped my DS’s lunch and chatted to him about his homework. I explained to her several times that I was helping her brother. She was fed, changed, safe, not in pain, so didn’t need my immediate attention. I didn’t pick her up and after about 10 minutes (yes, literally that long) she got sick of it and wandered away. Of course I gave her my attention as soon as DS had left for school.i can’t let her rule the house with her emotions, even if she’s a 2-year old with big feelings.

My 2-year old has an early bedtime, so I also sit in bed with DS and read chapter books to him every night. At the moment we’re reading through his Roald Dahl collection. After each book, we watch the movie together, just me and him, and have a feast based on the book E.g. chocolates and candy for Wonka, big English breakfast with ‘frobscottle’ for the bfg etc. he loves it and it’s our special time together.

I completely sympathise with how draining it can be to have a whingy, clingy toddler. I often wear AirPods around the house to bring down the noise a bit, otherwise I can get really overwhelmed by her. It’s getting easier as she’s getting older and she’ll start preschool soon. 18 months was definitely the hardest.

I think you’re doing what you can, hopefully things will get easier as your little one gets older. But I think some kids are just really tricky, they are so much more hard work and it can be tough on siblings. You will get so many people saying just do this, just do that, but the truth is some kids are just a lot harder to manage than others. There’s probably no magic trick you’re not thinking of, just try to be patient and remember it only takes a moment here and there through the day to give your son a hug or some small gesture to show that you love him and you have him in mind.
Some kids are born with an iron will. People don’t really believe it until they see it.

It was about whether you can distract your other one in a restrained place ….. like a high chair. Or can you work up to them being in a restrained place like a highchair. I imagine it’s very difficult. I am also thinking you struggle to do other fun things like go to a cafe or pottery painting or even a nice walk if little one is refusing to do things. Therefore I would be Loki g to do something about it personally

Well, the older child will remember what you didn't do for them

As the oldest sibling of three with a 5 year age gap and a DM who was largely on her own (DF was in the forces) I wholeheartedly disagree. I remember chaos, but happy chaos and I have a great relationship with DM to this day. She worried about us and often says she felt very stressed, but I don’t remember it like that at all.

Really hoping you haven't actually treated your own kids this way.

She seems to refuse a lot. Any naps except car ones, playpens, high chairs…

Are you working through her refusal of all these things, or just pandering to them?

I’d think of it the other way around actually, your 4 year old had you to herself for what, 2.5-3 years? Your 18 month old hasn’t had that. Assuming you aren’t a lone parent, outside of working hours, you divide and conquer. Your partner takes one and you take the other for 1-to-1 time. I even take mine on separate holidays every so often so we get that quality time together. We have plenty of family time too. Trust me though, no one with 2 young children is spending loads of lovely one-to-one time with each like you are imagining. You’re seeing the Instagram ready bits. Everyone is finding it as challenging as you are.

Pottery painting might be a few years down the line. We do quite a lot; we go to activities and playgroups and swimming and parks, soft play and so on.

Doesn’t the toddler qualify for 15 free hours?

I hear you OP mines are similar ages and I have the same problem. Toddler is mummy obsessed and my 4 yo is so well behaved and tolerant that she definitely gets less attention than she should, I feel terrible mum guilt about it but I don’t know the solution. All the well meaning recommendations of play pens, high chairs etc are just not possible. I’m sure my 4yo doesn’t really want to play a game of snap while listening to the screeching coming from said play pen anymore than I do!

I try to play games they can both get involved in, messy play, play dough, building towers and just head praise on the 4y0 while the toddler destroys stuff but it’s really hard.

My 21 month old couldn’t be bribed with a thing! If I say here’s some chocolate to sit in your high chair with, they would hand me it back first! I could take them to a toy shop and they would come away empty handed by choice.

Some kids just are a different nature. Until you’ve got one, you don’t fully see it.

My 21 month old does not nap, we have no help and can’t afford childcare. I try to make a big thing of a ‘date’ once a fortnight with my older one, just an hour or two in a cafe and park when my husband is home for the little one (works long hours, as many do). (My older one would get very upset at the thought of leaving younger one whinging and crying so I could play with them!).

Mine have a 21 month age gap. I find activities for them to do together, such as water play and we do it together. Provide different resources and they find their own way to make it work for their own age and ability. Alternatively, I set them both something up that they can do a bit on their own and I sit between them and help them / play with them sort of at the same time e.g. balancing game for 3yo, animal matching for 21month old. They have the strict boundary not to mess each other’s play up on purpose and if they do, they have to put it right.

Hope there’s something there that helps.

You’re doing your best, it’s all you can do. It’ll get easier, and you’ll be able to make more time for them individually.

Yes, but she goes to nursery when I’m working.

Get a child minder to take your 18 month old a couple of times a week before your 4 year old goes to school.

I would try and spend a bit of one-on-one time with your older child, as others have suggested.

I wouldn’t do this by letting the little one be upset etc!

On the weekend, how about you and the four-year-old do a special thing together each week? Like, you take him swimming (not to a lesson, but to play) for an hour? Something like that? But without the little one. That way, you get some solo bonding time.

I’d never see her then. I work three days a week and I really can’t afford for her to be in childcare when I’m not working - it isn’t cheap.

It didn't come up often, but I absolutely did. The older ones deserved my attention too.

I had this during lockdown it was awful. I ended up trying to do activities they could both do but at different levels. Play Doh on the kitchen floor for example. Reading with me on the sofa. Putting some lining paper out and letting them both draw on different ends.

So doesn't she ever nap or use a high chair at nursery then? I assumed you were a SAHM by your posts. Does your partner actually work away from home during the week?

Hi OP,
So sorry you’re going through this. I know exactly what you mean when you describe your 1.5 year old, as my boy was exactly the same that age. He started getting better at 2, so hopefully not long to go.
It is very tough, I have no advice just hoping you do manage to find pockets of time for 4 year old as they need you 💚

I have the same age gap. Does your youngest play independently? Mine will play if I set something up for them in the same room, they'll play around me, while I focus my attention on playing with the eldest. That works for about 10mins until the youngest wants to join in, so then we just play all together. And then I'll distract with a different set up and we'll start again. I've started asking my youngest if they want to come with us to play in another room and sometimes the answer is no, so that gives me and eldest another 5mins!

The planking and refusing to go in the highchair - mine did too, so we ditched the highchair at 14m. My 18m old craves independence. So much better now and will happily sit at the table to play/colour/paint/playdoh. Yes they get in their hair and it can't be messy when they're at the table and I'm on the floor tickling the eldest. But then we can just jump in the bath and reset.

I get my two to help out with jobs at home which each make them feel valued and special "little one can't do this job can they mummy, so this job is for big kids" and "mmmmyyyyyyy job me doooo it no MY JOB!" 😆 In our house it's all about making sure everyone feels loved and valued, be that through play or responsibility!