To admit my older child is missing out

[fwel]

No idea what to do about it.

Two children, age 4 (starts school next year) and eighteen months.

The 18 month old is so full on, has to be carried everywhere, follows me around whingeing and crying if I don’t, grabs me so I can’t move. She takes so much time and space and energy there’s nothing left for the 4 year old.

I feel so guilty. I watch friends with same age children actually spending quality time with them, teaching them things. Mine is borderline ignored.

It is incredibly draining. You will feel like you again - or closer to you.

If your DS is acting out in small ways then for now, I would approach with gentility (which it sounds like you are). Maybe bring him into the circle, over explain. ‘I’m trying my best to look after both of you but your little sister is in a lot of pain and doesn’t know how to ask for anything, so she wants me all the time. Will you help me with her while she get through this?’ Our DS1 was subjected to a house move, a baby brother and starting school, all within 6 months of each other. We agreed to go easy on him and that outbursts were to be expected (from all of us 😅) so space and grace were order of the day.

The stay and play sounds like a great start, and more to come when the weather gets better. If there’s an opportunity to get another chance for an outing, or even a walk, visit to a duck pond over the Christmas period that could work too.

I think she does and can @maybein2022 . It’s a phase and I do honestly think it’s linked to teeth and ear infections (they both have them) which is making them both a bit clingier, grumpier and generally harder to be around. DD will occupy herself for a while with those sort and shape things, building blocks, putting a doll in and out of a pram. But at the moment it feels like the usual things just aren’t grabbing her attention. I noticed at a group we regularly go to she used to toddle off and explore a bit but the last couple of weeks she won’t leave my side even though she seems to enjoy the session.

I do want to play more games with DS that encourage learning - guess who is a good idea for instance as someone said and we have some jigsaws and so on. Right now I think it’s dark, cold, neither are 100% and it’s having an impact.

It'll be rough at first but it has to be done.

Yep, honestly be kind to yourself here, illness, the winter, it being cold and dark and miserable doesn’t help and I really felt when I was in those days with two small kids it was pretty hard going. Just keep trying and remember the fact you’re worrying about your eldest means you’re already a great mum. He will be fine. I really liked the other posters idea of special late night time (even if it’s 20 mins) once a week once your daughter is down. It does get easier, I promise. My older kids are now 15 and 12, and we had some brilliant, easy ish years. (We then had a late addition who has caused chaos amongst some already chaotic times- much joy too but it’s been a journey!) You’re just in the trenches at the moment. Take care.

Ugh. ‘Firm’ with an 18mo? They shouldn’t be picked up all the time? When they are a bit unwell? Ugh 😞

I am mindful she isn’t doing anything wrong, she’s literally just wanting to be cuddled and held and comforted.

Its horrible when she’s crying and upset and occasionally she does have to be left so I can get DS ready or something but it isn’t very nice listening to her cry.

I have twins and one is exactly the same, when I'm doing activities or reading with twin 2 twin 1 just has to come in and take over, will climb all over me 24/7 if he could , 20 months
To be honest i think screen time is ok in this situation, half hour a day and you get some one on one time you don't need to keep checking back on the other with x
It's the only thing that worked for me

This is exactly what we have done. Toddler goes to sleep at 19:30, 4 yo stays up until 8ish, my DH and her play a board game together every night, snacks and ladders, connect 4, snap, pairs etc. it doesn’t completely alleviate the mum guilt but it helps and we all enjoy it.

Snacks and ladders would be heaven for DS

You say she naps in the car? Would she nap in the buggy?

Working with what you've got, could you take a few games and books in the car and then drive somewhere and park up and play with DS while she sleeps? Or alternatively put her in the buggy and wheel her around until she's almost asleep and then pop into a cafe with DS?

My child was at school when his little sister arrived. We used to stop at a cafe on the way home to do homework. I'd give DC2 some grated cheese or something else in a little pot and face the buggy away from us (usually out the window) while we did the homework. She enjoyed watching people walk past.

This is quite a good idea as well. We used to do this when DS was a baby, go a drive get baby to sleep then go to Costa and get a baby chino, park up at a park and watch the dogs play and the trains go by and play eye spy.

I’m not sure he’d want to sit watching - he’s very much an active child.

Don’t get me wrong, we do lots of things and go to lots of places. But I know I sort of have to send DS off to play while I stay with DD if we go to soft play, for instance, or at an outdoor playgroup or similar.

Huge sympathy op. There was some neurodivergence at play in my family, and while I’m not suggesting that’s the case here, I am relating so hard to the relentlessness you’re describing.

My dm was a godsend to me because she pointed out that there were specific times of the day when my eldest needed me more than my youngest. I wasn’t able to distinguish that myself, but “outside eyes” on the situation were so helpful.

One of those times were walking from a nap (different age gap to yours), and I just prioritised dc1 for those few minutes even if dc2 had to grizzle for a bit. I realised that just because one child made more noise, didn’t mean the other wasn’t suffering too, quietly.

Another thing that helped was making a hard commitment to myself to spend 5 minutes completely focused on my eldest. I called it our golden time. 5 minutes isn’t much but it is manageable and the consistency of that is far more important than the length. I didn’t count the post nap cuddle - that was a need. Golden time was a chance to connect and play when there was no immediate need.

Obviously I’m not suggesting that 5 minutes a day is enough for any child - it’s not about that. It’s about setting a commitment to yourself that’s small enough that even on the worst day ever, it’s doable. And using that as the solid foundation to build on.

You’re in survival mode and it’s making everything look and sound like an emergency. A baby grizzling for a few minutes without a mummy cuddle, is not an emergency even though it feels like one physiologically to you right now. And you’re posting here because you know your eldest is suffering. I understand why all this advice seems impossible, but give it a few days and read it again.

OP has explained the situation with her daughter’s naps and high chair.

And it doesn’t make any difference whether she’s a SAHM or not or whether her partner works away. She works part time and is finding the weekdays when she is caring for both of them by herself very challenging.

@LavenderHaze19 thanks for the recap of OPs posts, but I've already read them thanks.

It's honestly just a phase and your 4 year old will be fine. Make sure you spend some quality time with your 4 year old alone every bed time and make time to take the 4 year out without the 18 month old once every 6 weeks.
When it's tough, just remind yourself that when your 4 year old was a baby, he had ALL your attention at this stage. 18 months is the hardest age for being needy and also wanting independence. It will be so much easier in 3 months' time, you just need to ride it out.
I'd be very honest with your 4 year old about it all. Tell him he was exactly the same as his sibling at the same age, and that very soon she'll actually be quite fun to play with.

I think… stop beating yourself up. Children are resilient and your 4 yo will not be scarred for life by the demon little sister.
once your toddler is feeling better you can start being firmer and grey rock the whinging ( it’s hard I know)
Toddlers become decent little people eventually.
Sound like you are doing your best it’s a bloody hard job!

You may have read them but you wouldn’t accept my answers so I can understand why @LavenderHaze19 reiterated what I was saying. It is mildly exasperating when posters hone in on one tiny issue as if solving that will solve the overall issue. Even if DD could be persuaded to sit in a high chair I don’t think many healthy active toddlers would contentedly sit in it for periods of time while their sibling does activities elsewhere.

And thanks - I do feel bad about it a lot of the time. It’s exhausting and feel like I’m doing a bad job!

If you think it's teething, try baby ibuprofen plus anbesol liquid (not gel). Miles more effective than calpol for us.

I don't have any good advice on having two together, but send sympathies that it's hard. If weeks are busy, have you tried weekends with DH having DD for the whole day and DS gets you to himself? DD has you on other days in the week, so you don't need to reverse it unless your DH is also missing out on DS time.

Is it possible to do something with 4yo at nap time or if toddler goes to bedd first? Do you have a partner, parent, other relative who can play for half an hour with 18mo while you spend time with toddler.

Otherwise try joint activities like sensory play, stories, making music…. If toddler is a ‘Velcro baby’ and does better with being held, have you tried a carrier? I know a fair few mums with babies and toddlers who carry the small one and go for days out (with my home Ed group) in a carrier and can play with the older 4/5/6yo. Some toddlers are now starting to join in Playing near the others

perhaps her empathy lies with the well behaved older child who is being ignored.

@fwel I didn't make a thing of the high chair issue, I mentioned it once, I also pointed out to the poster insisting you leave DD to cry in one that they were totally wrong. You've also said no to most of the helpful advice you've had which can also be frustrating when your the one who posted about it. Hopefully this phase with your DD will pass soon regardless so you can get more quality time with both DC.

@Pandasnacks are you kidding? You wouldn’t stop banging on about it, and you’re still going on now. I’m having a shit day as it is, fucking drop it. Who gives a shit if she sits in a high chair or not? Only you.

YANBU OP. I don't agree with some of the responses saying just say no to toddler, ignore the whinging/ ignore the child etc. I'm not sure if these people have just forgotten what it is like to have a toddler or if they are just worryingly ok with ignoring a crying infant. Personally I do not agree that tough love is the correct strategy for an 18 month old and I would encourage you to follow your instincts that it is not ok to just put a child in a playpen and leave them there if they are distressed.

Ultimately, I think that there are three things to work on:
-spend more time talking /playing with your elder one while your younger one is with you.
-have someone look after your younger to carve out golden time with your younger
-facilitate activities (ie not tv) for your elder that they can get on with independently

I have a similar struggle to you, as I have a nearly 2 yr old and nearly 6 yr old. However, I have it easier, as it was my older who was v v clingy and the younger one is not so much. Ultimately I think that you are doing the right thing by giving your clingy toddler the attention you crave, and that you should just struggle on to give your older child attention too, in the knowledge that things will be easier in a year.