To admit my older child is missing out

[fwel]

No idea what to do about it.

Two children, age 4 (starts school next year) and eighteen months.

The 18 month old is so full on, has to be carried everywhere, follows me around whingeing and crying if I don’t, grabs me so I can’t move. She takes so much time and space and energy there’s nothing left for the 4 year old.

I feel so guilty. I watch friends with same age children actually spending quality time with them, teaching them things. Mine is borderline ignored.

Please work on your empathy

I can’t relate to this at all, when my dc were little we did things all together. Or my dc would play together (age gap 2 years). Why don’t you do things with your ds with dd on your lap, for example? It seems like you have unnecessary separation between them. I always felt it so important to put my dc together and encourage a friendship between them.

What about one of those booster seats up at the main table?

Then do messy play of something all together?

What about if you go out? Go to a park (or even garden) and play catch, kick a ball around. You run around too and the 18 months old can run around as well and even if they are doing it to catch your legs you are playing with older one too.

It may even wear them out enough for a longer nap.

If they sleep in the car pull over somewhere when they are asleep and M do something with 4 yo. Read. Play card game, have hot choc and biscuits.

OP I really feel for you. I know exactly what you’re going through and the day to day is exhausting trying to meet the needs of two little ones when yours are wholly unmet. Teething bought out a side of clingy in my younger one that I have never seen in a child. The only way he could have been closer is if he had climbed back in. He wanted me to hug him while I was hugging him😶

Mine are 7 (DS1) and 2 (DS2) and we have just (maybe 2 months ago) emerged from the phase you are in currently. It took constant communicating with both children (regardless of whether they understood - I found the gentlest of explaining tones helped calm them), relaxing expectations for myself and everyone else, spoiling the older child for a brief while, using naps to focus on older child (despite the fact I was exhausted and needed that down time for myself), using all the time partner is home to hand over younger child to him (it helps that younger child has a preference for partner now). DS2 is at nursery 2 days a week now and I use those days for DS1 and I to hang out during school holidays.

I always find any major life change, be it new house, new job, another child; takes 18 months - 2years to settle into. You’re all still finding your groove, and will settle into a way that works for you. You obviously care deeply and want to do right by both of them or you wouldn’t be asking for advice. I hope it all falls into place for you soon and till then sending solidarity.

I don’t think it’s massively unusual for children to behave differently at nursery and home (actually no, they don’t have highchairs at nursery but this is just squabbling for the sake of it.)

DH is out of the house from 7am Tuesday morning to about half seven Thursday evening. He works from home Monday and Fridays but they are both in childcare then.

Thanks @Newhere5 , I find things do get a bit less intense after 2.

@AgilePombear i have actually said I think DD wants to climb back inside me sometimes. It is draining. Sometimes she just cries inconsolably - not that hysterical wail but just this miserable little hiccoughing sort of cry. Then it stops then seconds later starts again.

I think the biggest worry I have is DS playing up because he gets sick of being ignored. Which he does a bit but it’s fairly low key stuff he knows he shouldn’t do but clearly can’t resist.

I forgot next week I’m taking him to a stay and play session at what he hope will be his primary school next year. So that will be nice to have time with him without Dd, lovely as she is.

When the weather is better (and I have a bit more money!) I will also book as hoc days in nursery for her and have a day out with DS before he starts school. But right now I just don’t have the money.

Well done for having such tranquil DC? At 18
months old, both of mine were only happy if they were running, climbing or being carried around on my hip, preferably outside. When the youngest was 18 months old the 2 of them were still miles off being able to play together. While I most definitely often restrained the youngest against his wishes, it certainly wasn’t a lovely ‘sitting on mummies lap’ moment and definitely didn’t do much towards fostering a harmonious friendship between the 2 of them!

I don't think it's unusual to behave differently at nursery either, but it shows she WILL do these things and can do them, and while I'm not in the cry it out camp, I think being firmer and reassuring her you are putting her down right now but you will pick her up soon and you are still there, this helps provide comfort too. And you can't just favour one kid if you thing your son is really struggling. But like others have said, why can't you play play doh with your son while DD is sat on your knee also playing? Push him on a swing whilst holding her, build dens as a 3 etc

18m old might have to learn to cry/not get their a way a bit and share your attention with their sibling.

Also get a carrier or something so you can talk/play engage with older child while holding younger. Doesn't 18mo want to play with 4 yo? I had same age gap and this was about the age where they really started playing loads. They are still so close now at 8 & 5.5

They were not tranquil, I didn’t say they were. We spent tons of time outside. Well done for completing missing the point.

We have a play pen the little one can crawl in and out of - looks like a travel cot with a door. Stick some interesting or new toys and books in it and your 18 month old can crawl in and out of it independently. You can also zip up the door if you want them to stay in there and they are occupied for a bit. I have a clingy toddler and its been a lifesaver in terms of getting a bit of time to myself.

They do play, sort of, but there’s a lot of wanting the toy the other has and if DS has a toy DD wants she is somewhat dramatic about it so the play is interspersed with much hysteria and drama.

Have you tried wearing her on your back? Most non-western countries do this at this stage. And it’s so handy for when you need to do chores, play with other children etc.

You can use a long wrap or a more modern version is like a back sling. (Sorry for rubbish description).

So you are telling me that at 18 months old your younger DC would play directly with your 3.5 year old? Maybe my kids are the anomalies, but at those ages their interests, attention spans and grasp of language were so different there was very little crossover in their play. Does an 18 month old even do much ‘playing’ anyway, shy of taking everything out of cupboards?

And yes, so much so we were out of the house a lot. But OPs question was about addressing the balance between her two kids. I’m sure if it was as straight forward as ‘do everything together’ she would have done that by now.

Yes they did. I’m sorry for you if yours didn't are not friends. You’re clearly bitter. Anyway, I posted to try to give the OP a suggestion, so take your negativity elsewhere.

That’s really nasty.

OP- does your eldest only go to pre school the 3 days you’re working- so do you have them both the other two days?

Yes, that’s correct.

No, they are friends. But I don’t think the months I spent surviving having a toddler and a pre schooler was the making of that. Well done for your superior DC.

Are you entitled to any free nursery hours for the 18 month old? It would allow you time with your older child and probably be good for the younger one to have some time away from you - just in the sense that it can help with her being so clingy.

Okay- and is that pre school year round or only term time- ie are they both in childcare the exact same times/hours? It does sound hard.

I have 3 kids and all of them had to be ‘taught’ to play, not one of them liked to just sit and independently play at 18 months. I had to put in a LOT of effort and man alive it nearly broke me, but it is worth it. You literally have to start off expecting ten seconds of independent play and build on it. So you sit with her, play with her, set her off doing something and then leave her to do a ‘job’ or whatever, she might only sit for a few seconds, you go back, encourage her again and so on. It is bloody hard work but she can learn to do it, she’s just still so little. But she WILL start to understand no, you don’t have to shout or be unkind, just very firm! Good luck.

Oh and ignore all the posters telling you to physically restrain her ie in a buggy or high chair. Not a good idea.

Maximise 1:1 time at weekends. Perhaps add in something like dropping younger one at nursery first, then taking older one for a babyccino or whatever before dropping them off?

I found this got easier with older DD at school - she had holidays when nursery didn’t, so we could do things just us.

18 months is still very young, but some gentle discipline (“First we do this, then we can do that…” etc) is worth doing imo.

Could you make Friday night "late night" and let the 4yo stay up an extra 20 minutes or so after the 18mo is put down to sleep? You could play a board game or make some Christmas decorations? Make some time for him when your daughter is in bed, even if it is only an extra 15-20 minutes or so.