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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To admit my older child is missing out

126 replies

fwel · 10/12/2024 17:27

No idea what to do about it.

Two children, age 4 (starts school next year) and eighteen months.

The 18 month old is so full on, has to be carried everywhere, follows me around whingeing and crying if I don’t, grabs me so I can’t move. She takes so much time and space and energy there’s nothing left for the 4 year old.

I feel so guilty. I watch friends with same age children actually spending quality time with them, teaching them things. Mine is borderline ignored.

OP posts:
Jostuki · 10/12/2024 18:55

Old fashioned wooden playpen.

KindLemur · 10/12/2024 18:57

Can you start a hobby with your eldest and leave 18mo at home when you do it ? At weekends? Such as diddikicks, swimming where you get in pool with them, mummy and me dance, gymnastics… anything. Then coffee and a cake after. Also do you not have access to 15 free hours now or soon through the government? That’s 1.5 days at nursery funded?

Stirrednshaken · 10/12/2024 18:57

The other thing that works well with my two is a tea party in the bath. Everyone has tupperware or an actual tea set. We normally play for 45 mins to an hour doing that with me leaning over the edge talking to both of them (DS 3.5 and DD 1.5)

biscuitsandbooks · 10/12/2024 18:59

fwel · 10/12/2024 18:33

Thanks, he is very sweet although tends to lead her astray a bit!

It’s more she is really clingy and specifically to me. I don’t remember DS being like this at 18 months! And she isn’t doing anything ‘wrong’, but putting her in a playpen or high chair would be fine if she sat contentedly; she doesn’t.

Remember your DS wasn't competing with anyone for your attention, but your youngest is.

Workingthroughit · 10/12/2024 19:17

For heaven’s sake. Put the child down and say NO firmly, leave to whinge and spend time with your lovely older child, preferably out of the house.

CrispieCake · 10/12/2024 19:22

Strap her in the buggy in front of a couple of episodes of Peppa Pig and go to a different room to do a short activity with the older one?

It's not great parenting, yes, but it's how I and a lot of other people I know used to get through work meetings with toddlers during Covid. Kids seem ok now.

Original poster
fwel · 10/12/2024 19:32

Workingthroughit · 10/12/2024 19:17

For heaven’s sake. Put the child down and say NO firmly, leave to whinge and spend time with your lovely older child, preferably out of the house.

We do get out, but I can’t really leave the toddler on her own and it is impossible to do anything through crying and whingeing.

I don’t know anyone who straps a child in a buggy in the house. But anyway, she really hates the pushchair.

@KindLemur he does a few things but they are at the weekends when we can divide and conquer a bit easier.

OP posts:
LizzoBennett · 10/12/2024 19:33

It's the same with my 14MO and 4YO. I'm starting to see my eldest have a preference for my DH, which does hurt a little. I carve out a couple of hours on the weekend while DH takes DC2 into town but it is hard. I notice the difference when we aren't able to find one-to-one time on the weekend.

Fancycardi1990 · 10/12/2024 19:33

Bloody hell there’s some terrible advice here

Please do not leave your younger one in a play pen and get out of the house. This won’t improve anything.

there’s two issues here

  1. Physical lack of time
  2. The feeling of being totally drained and having nothing left for your older child

They’re important to separate.

It sounds like you have very little to no practical or emotional support. Of course you’re exhausted.

I would second the suggestion of wearing your youngest anf seeing if that helps with their need for closeness. If they car nap they might also like a carrier or pushchair nap.

when that time is carved out, you need five minutes for you - quiet cup of tea. Then you have ten minutes of really quality time with elder child. No phone/ screens/ electronics. Look at Watch Me Play! For ideas.

Threeandahalf · 10/12/2024 19:35

You'll find your 18 month old will only be like this for a short time. Suddenly she will be different and be playing a bit more independently, and you'll be able to give more time to your eldest.

Original poster
fwel · 10/12/2024 19:39

@LizzoBennett we have had that phase, I think we are through it now in many ways but it was hard to be elbowed aside. Especially when i did all the gruelling stuff for the first two and a half years that he didn’t remember!

@Fancycardi1990 ive tried slings and a sort of hip carrier which helped a bit but she does get a bit worked up where it’s pick me up put me down … no pick me up, carry me, down … it is tiring. I know it’s related to not being 100% but it feels like it’s lasted forever!

I do read stories with DS every night and I have a swimming lesson with him once a week. So we do have some time just us. And over Christmas DD will have a day in nursery while DS won’t, so I can have a nice day with him then. But the day to day grind is hard when DS is ignored.

OP posts:
Nosleepforthismum · 10/12/2024 19:39

Mines the same age and also drainingly clingy. I think you need to attempt “quiet time” instead of the car naps. I get the travel cot in a dark room, a bottle of milk and Miss Rachel on the iPad on a chair or something out of reach so she can watch her while having milk. She’ll fall asleep most of the time. Failing that, bribe her with white chocolate buttons.

Everydayimhuffling · 10/12/2024 19:41

If the little one will nap in the car, I would pack a bag of fun stuff for the big one, drive somewhere until the little one is asleep and then hang out in the car with the big one. Read together, play eye spy, share a flask of hot chocolate, chat.

If your DP can take the little one at the weekend for a bit then I would plan that in and make that your focused time with the big one too.

Ophy83 · 10/12/2024 19:53

I may he criticised for this, but is there any chance she'd watch a film? When mine was little she would watch the first 45 minutes of Frozen before she got bored, but that was enough time to do something with DS

Original poster
fwel · 10/12/2024 19:56

Even DS won’t. They go through phases with the TV. DD used to watch miss rachel; DS used to watch Peppa and Fireman Sam but at the moment they won’t watch anything. I can see this has its plus points but it is exhausting

OP posts:
Waffle19 · 10/12/2024 19:57

Similar age gaps here and I weirdly feel like by trying to give them both some time, I give neither of them enough. I think it’s 18 months is a tricky age second time around because they want more attention than you can give but they’re also too young to play properly with older siblings. I try to take my eldest out just the two of us at the weekend, and use nap time for the younger one to spend time with him. It’s not enough though, for either of them.

Pandasnacks · 10/12/2024 19:59

Do you not have a partner that can help OP?

Original poster
fwel · 10/12/2024 20:00

Yes, not around during the week though.

OP posts:
LavenderHaze19 · 10/12/2024 20:00

KindLemur · 10/12/2024 18:57

Can you start a hobby with your eldest and leave 18mo at home when you do it ? At weekends? Such as diddikicks, swimming where you get in pool with them, mummy and me dance, gymnastics… anything. Then coffee and a cake after. Also do you not have access to 15 free hours now or soon through the government? That’s 1.5 days at nursery funded?

The universal 15 hours is from 3. You generally only get 15 hours funded from 9 months old if you and your partner are both in work and it sounds like OP either doesn’t work or is having difficulties on non-working days (ie is already using the 15 hours to work).

Anyway OP - I hear you, I had the same age gap and it’s very hard and I honestly think you’re at the hardest stage - at 18 months they are so demanding and mobile but are basically still babies, they have zero ability to reason. Also neither of mine were especially interested in TV at 18 months. it does get easier. At this stage I found it easiest to get outside all the time.

You know, I do think older siblings miss out. I’m not saying that to be hurtful, I just recognise everything you’re saying from my own experience, and I think it’s very very common. Traditional wisdom is that it’s harder to be a younger sibling - secondhand toys and clothes and not being ‘the first’ at everything, but I think oldest siblings get the shitty end of the stick.

Original poster
fwel · 10/12/2024 20:02

He does go to preschool but I am conscious that obviously isn’t time with me.

OP posts:
Oioisavaloy27 · 10/12/2024 20:03

Carrying your child around all the time is not going to help her or you it sounds like your just giving into her.

Original poster
fwel · 10/12/2024 20:07

She isn’t doing anything wrong or naughty. She just wants comfort I suppose. But it is hard trying to meet both of their needs.

OP posts:
Pandasnacks · 10/12/2024 20:07

fwel · 10/12/2024 20:02

He does go to preschool but I am conscious that obviously isn’t time with me.

Can you put younger one in nursery a couple of mornings a week?

NCJD · 10/12/2024 20:10

Same age gap, although thank the lord my youngest was the more easy going one. Elder DC was as you describe at 18 months - clingy, demanding and extremely resistant to any form of containment! I also laugh at the idea of letting them whinge and cracking on. My eldest didn’t do whinging, he did scream the house down for a very long time!

Im not sure there is anything to be said then ‘this too shall pass’. I’m not sure there is anything you can do to change who she is, right now. Make time with just your eldest at weekends if possible. And maybe try and get her to nap in the cot even if it is a bit of a traumatic process, more for your own sanity. That would free up a lot of time in the day.

A toddler and a pre schooler is a really difficult combination. We aren’t supposed to do this one our own. I really don’t think you are missing a trick!

WonderingAboutThus · 10/12/2024 20:11

Bloody hell, you are making this impossible - this is your own doing. Yes, you can just put them in the cot. Ideally out of earshot with a video camera on them, or out of earshot with no video camera on them. Yes, you can just strap the small one into a car seat and ignore them.

They don't have to be pleased, they just have to be safe.

Poor firstborn.

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