Modern grandparenting double standards

[TheCalmQuail]

I'll preface this with yes I know that my DC are my responsibility and I shouldn't expect childcare, but it would be nice if it felt like GPs actually wanted to spend time/get to know DC/help occasionally.

Its come up in a few conversations with other parents recently about how little time their DPs spend with their DC, especially in comparison to when they were younger and at their GPs daily. Myself included, I avoided nursery completely when my DM went back to work because free daily childcare from a relative, and some of my happiest regular memories are spending regular one on one time with my Nana.

I realise GPs are entitled to their own lives, but the lack of help does seem like double standards, when a large majority have seemingly had so much help themselves.

I love my DM dearly but I'm surprised at how little effort she puts in, she relocated to live down the road from us and I barely see her unless she needs me. It often feels like she's an extra toddler as I have to suggest stuff to tempt her to do anything together; I manage the logistics, drive her there etc. She will be there for emergency childcare requests when possible. But I'd love her to be a bit more proactive, if only just to give her and DC more time together, as they adore her. And on the flip side I regularly help her out with her home, tech issues, pet sitting, I've built her a website and saved her thousands on setting up her part time business. I also am always the one to invite her over for meals, it's never reciprocated. I'd love her to nip over and take DC to the park, or for a hot choc once in while, just because she wanted to see him

Similar for PIL, we make a +200 mile round trip every 6-8 weeks to see them. MIL will often very bluntly tell us how knackered we look, but they've not once offered to take DC for an hour or two whilst we're there, or suggested me and DH go for a coffee/have a bit of time as a couple. I don't think they've changed a single nappy in over 3 years. Yet they expect us to schlep a toddler across 4 counties on the regular out of obligation.

I absolutely know this is #notallgrandparents as my DB ILs also relocated nearer to him. They have their GC one day a week and regularly on weekends, they do the majority of school holiday childcare and are still often asking for extra sleepovers and time together with their DGC. Which is all a lot more than I'd ever expect.

I know this will be a marmite subject, but really AIBU? Surely the idea is to pass on the help and generosity you received, to help the next generation?

I’m interested in this, although I am sorry of course that you feel let down by your parents and gps.

I have a lot of Spanish friends who live in multi-generational households, or who live in apartments near to one another, and it seems to be the grandmothers who cook, clean and do childcare while their adult sons and daughters work,

The grandmothers are the matriarchs in my examples anyway, and seem to run the households, and I have always wondered how the emotional dynamics of this sort of relationship works.

3 out of 4 of my grandparents barely had an interested in me, and I only saw the lovely one that did about once every four months.

Everything It's incredibly hard for parents as well as everyone nowadays,

@williamclimbseverest I think it's because the more money people have, the more choices they have.

We shall be spending as much time as taxation allows at our home in France when we retire. Our children have known of this plan since they were in single digits.

Whilst I love my DC dearly and expect to love my GC too, I would rather stick pins in my eyes than be restricted to school pick-ups and after school activities again. I imagine my DC would rather stick pins in their eyes than live within a couple of miles of us rather than following their dreams.

DH and I made sure we were financially and emotionally secure enough to sustain children. Our DC have received the sort of educations that provide them with similar choices. Not all their choices will make them equal but we shall do our best to ensure the gc, when they come, shall have equal opportunity.

None of that means we don't love and care for each other. I'd also rather stick pins in my eyes than have my dd ever wipe my back side. It's therefore fortunate that we will be able to finance our care in old age without too much impact on the DC's.

Yes same at my DC's school and to a lesser extent, the nursery too. Last year my DPs used to collect my DC1 from school twice a week and mind her for a couple of hours at their house until me or DH got back from work to collect her. They live in the same house I grew up in and DC1 goes to the primary school I went to. Both of them have said how shocked they were to find so many DGPs at pick up and that when me and my siblings were there, it was very rare to see any (and similarly dads too!).

Because they and we can fund those breaks which means time with grandchildren will be a pure choice rather than an obligation. We also have two children and may have 0 or 6 grandchildren. By the time we are 70, there may not be much to give of equally divided.

I don’t think this is the point you’re making but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not caring for elderly parents. The ones who aren’t interested in being grandparents probably don’t expect it.

I mean it could be choices but it could also be mindset. I mean it would cost nothing for a poor grandparent to refuse to see their grandchildren and indeed I'm sure there are many that do.

But typically it seems the wealthier grandparents are the ones that don't want to bother with the grandkids. Ordinary people seem to have a more family first mindset

Well yes, because less well off grandparents don't have the means to do some things ie travel extensively.

I've just finished four years of Friday fun days with my GC, now at big school. Some sleepovers and long weekend holidays away as they got older.
Mum had an extended hospital stay and emergency c- section recently, I cared for GC for three days and nights whilst simultaneously managing a nasty viral infection they came down with. I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. I'm well past retirement age and still working. I want to give my grandchildren the loving presence my son never really had with his.

I find it rather offensive that you assert that people like us don't have a family mindset. The fact is that our children will not need us to perform their parenting responsibilities on their behalf. That does not mean we won't have good and regular relationships with our prospective grandchildren.

My grandparents provided me with a huge amount of care and I loved them and cherished them. However, it was principally because my parents' relationship was an absolute car crash and the space my grandparents occupied was essential for my well being.

Exactly the grandMOTHERS. So its on women again

I could of said I found it rather offensive that in your other comment you implied less well off grandparents only bother with their grandchildren because they have no choice 🤷🏻‍♀️ just sharing my opinions like you are

This thread is continuing its path despite me and others pointing out that there are far MORE grandparents doing childcare then did in the past. Considerably more than double, compared to the previous generation.

Why is no-one prepared to acknowledge this? I appreciate that this OP title will mainly bring those who resent not having help, to the thread, but come on. This generation of grandparents is doing far more childcare and probably, like me until my mum died a few months ago, simultaneously having to manage their parent's care too.

This is a really miserable thread for those if it's who are grandparents and are being tarred with the same brush.. I'm so sorry that many of you do have issues, but it would be nice if @TheCalmQuail and others would say least recognise that the generalisations that you've been making are false.

@Williamclimbseverest it is true that in the past grandparents hugely involved tended to be because the parents needed that support. Its not that they did not live their grandchildren. But how could they go and stay with a cousin for a month, or go out regularly with friends, when they knew that would mean their grandchild would be neglected or worse?
This kind of inter familial care without the involvement of the authorities did seem to be more common in the past. My Great Aunt acted as a second mother to my grandmother who was otherwise a very neglected child. My MIL did the same for her niece and nephew who were pretty neglected by their mother.
In the past, if families were functioning well, people saw each other and supported each other. But it was all members of the families. Not just children and grandchildren.

Haven’t RTFT, but we’ve had a similar experience with my in-laws. Both retired and healthy when our children were born (mid-60’s) and aside from some help when they were newborns, which was wonderful, they’ve spent very little time with them. Whereas DH used to go and stay with his Gramdmas (Grandfathers had died) during summers when he was a child. Presumably they invited their GC to stay, my in-laws just never have.

They seem more interested now the children are older teens, but it’s abit odd. If I’m ever a grandparent, I think I’ll be more interested in them!

Thankfully not my personal experience. I remember going for occasional sleepovers at my grandparents house but really didn't have much 121 interaction without my family at all.

When I mentioned going back to PT work and putting eldest DD in nursery two afternoons a week my parents reaction was basically 'don't be ridiculous - we'll be looking after her.' They've saved us a tonne of money and our children have a lovely bond with them.

I really hope I'm in a good financial position to help my own DDs when I'm older and am actually quite excited at the prospect of grandchildren - and our eldest is only 9...!

Edit: my uncle and aunt are completely disinterested in my cousins children, and it's painfully obvious that they know NOTHING about them when we meet up. They prefer going off on holiday every few months and golfing. Their life, but I find it a little depressing to be honest.

There is no such thing as "grandparenting".

That is your problem, right there.

I don't like the concept of "parenting" as it implies something you do rather than you are - but at least people (in the UK) choose to be parents. People don't choose to be grandparents so they definitely don't choose to "grandparent".

When people are having sex, they don't think about the grandchildren they may have in 20-40 years' time, they are thinking that they may or may not have kids. There is no obligation on anyone to take an interest in their grandchildren, although if they like kids they may do. In fact if they can give them back they may actually enjoy having them more than their own kids

But everyone is different.

Edit: my uncle and aunt are completely disinterested in my cousins children, and it's painfully obvious that they know NOTHING about them when we meet up. They prefer going off on holiday every few months and golfing. Their life, but I find it a little depressing to be honest

How shocking that they want to enjoy what might be the last healthy period of their lives...

This thread is continuing its path despite me and others pointing out that there are far MORE grandparents doing childcare then did in the past. Considerably more than double, compared to the previous generation

I don't doubt it, given the cost. And maybe (some) younger grandparents are no longer able to go off travelling and playing golf because they don't have the final salary pensions of those a few years older, so they are around to help.

@dynamiccactus I don’t think anyone’s suggesting that grandparents should be providing tonnes of childcare, for example, I’m certainly not! But rarely seeing your grandchildren is a bit odd-why wouldn’t you want to see them?

I think one of the issues now is that grandparents are still working FT in many cases. I have lovely memories of so much time spent with my Gran, but she worked only a few hours a week, while my Grandad worked FT so she had time and energy to spend on us.

I'm the GP and had no help at all when mine were growing up. Have done loads for my DGC even though I work long hours. Don't understand GPs who don't!

And shockingly, some people actually enjoy spending time with their grandchildren and helping their children out.

Doubt there are many people who, on their death bed, are bemoaning the fact they didn't take enough holidays ... plenty will be wishing they had spent more time with family though.

I think I would find spending time with my grandkids, when I was healthy and could do things with them, as living my life.