Page 12 | Modern grandparenting double standards

TheCalmQuail · 2024-12-09T21:33:48+00:00

I'll preface this with yes I know that my DC are my responsibility and I shouldn't expect childcare, but it would be nice if it felt like GPs actually wanted to spend time/get to know DC/help occasionally. Its come up in a few conversations with other parents recently about how little time their DPs spend with their DC, especially in comparison to when they were younger and at their GPs daily. Myself included, I avoided nursery completely when my DM went back to work because free daily childcare from a relative, and some of my happiest regular memories are spending regular one on one time with my Nana. I realise GPs are entitled to their own lives, but the lack of help does seem like double standards, when a large majority have seemingly had so much help themselves. I love my DM dearly but I'm surprised at how little effort she puts in, she relocated to live down the road from us and I barely see her unless she needs me. It often feels like she's an extra toddler as I have to suggest stuff to tempt her to do anything together; I manage the logistics, drive her there etc. She will be there for emergency childcare requests when possible. But I'd love her to be a bit more proactive, if only just to give her and DC more time together, as they adore her. And on the flip side I regularly help her out with her home, tech issues, pet sitting, I've built her a website and saved her thousands on setting up her part time business. I also am always the one to invite her over for meals, it's never reciprocated. I'd love her to nip over and take DC to the park, or for a hot choc once in while, just because she wanted to see him Similar for PIL, we make a +200 mile round trip every 6-8 weeks to see them. MIL will often very bluntly tell us how knackered we look, but they've not once offered to take DC for an hour or two whilst we're there, or suggested me and DH go for a coffee/have a bit of time as a couple. I don't think they've changed a single nappy in over 3 years. Yet they expect us to schlep a toddler across 4 counties on the regular out of obligation. I absolutely know this is #notallgrandparents as my DB ILs also relocated nearer to him. They have their GC one day a week and regularly on weekends, they do the majority of school holiday childcare and are still often asking for extra sleepovers and time together with their DGC. Which is all a lot more than I'd ever expect. I know this will be a marmite subject, but really AIBU? Surely the idea is to pass on the help and generosity you received, to help the next generation?

sodabreadjam · 13/12/2024 21:45

I was a child in the 1960s. My mum had no help at all - numerous GCs on both side of the family and my grans had done their share with the older ones. My mum paid a neighbour to childmind me.

I had no help at all - both sets of grandparents lived too far away. My mum had done her share looking after my niece anyway. I was a SAHM and then trained for teaching.

Now DH and I are grandparents, we have tried our best to turn things around. We have been part of the care package for the GCs - doing a couple of days a week until they went to school and now dropping them off/picking them up some days.

Everyone I know who has GCs does the same.
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Julimia · 13/12/2024 22:02

Grandparents it seems can't do right for doing wrong on here. They are either interfering and overbearing or almost non existent. I do think each family need to address and fine tune their situation so something acceptable can be reached. Good non confrontational communication could well be the key.

cherish123 · 13/12/2024 22:06

I was thinking the opposite. I know a lot of grandparents who provide a lot of childcare and are almost like an extra set of parents.

TheForestCalls · 13/12/2024 22:10

cherish123 · 13/12/2024 22:06

I was thinking the opposite. I know a lot of grandparents who provide a lot of childcare and are almost like an extra set of parents.

I know many grandparents and they seem to help a lot. Except for my parents. I sometimes wonder how my mother feels seeing all the grandparents in her social group doing so much helping?

MeganM3 · 13/12/2024 23:50

I wonder though, how GPs perspective is different from the parents' perspective.
I can imagine my mum telling everyone how hands on they are and how they love to help and be a big part of GC's lives and they do so much to help.

For me, they do help and I appreciate that - but it isn't a massive amount.
They did 6 hours one day per week for the first year. After that they look after DC one day per week during school holidays. And have them over night every other month (a 24hour stay). If it's in school hols then included in the above. That's it.
The reality is that they aren't a main feature in the children's daily lives.

StrikeForever · 13/12/2024 23:52

Newsenmum · 09/12/2024 21:47

Grandparents are ‘younger’ for longer. They have their own lives I guess.

Speaking as a grandmother, this 👆

Lollzi86 · 13/12/2024 23:53

TheCalmQuail · 10/12/2024 09:51

So, you're saying that being a SAHM (in an era of little to no help from a DH) and a primary carer (quite often larger families) for decades isn't tiring and they don't deserve a rest?! I disagree and there is a certain element of WANTING to be present.

I get that we're all working later, costs are higher, it'll be no different for me (likely worse). I'd like to think I'll be more empathetic and proactive from my own experience, I think I need to start thinking about how to prepare to be able to have the ability to do so.

I do feel that my DP/PIL are a bit out of touch with the reality of modern life/parenting. Trying to explain to DM that buying a house is a much bigger investment nowadays is like pulling teeth. Her blanket response is "but you get paid double what I did" and then she starts banging on about 11% mortgage rate hikes in the 80s on her very desirable £20k 3 bed semi detached first time home

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Sorry it’s not the same as having to be everything to everyone! Often even these days women are the primary carer and are now expected to work full time and be able to do it all! It’s tiring. It’s exhausting. When your kids are grown I don’t blame GM not wanting to spend all their spare time looking after GC although a) they should not comment about the GC being looked after properly etc. and b) they should remember how hard it was for them and occasionally step in if they are in a position too

TheForestCalls · 13/12/2024 23:54

MeganM3 · 13/12/2024 23:50

I wonder though, how GPs perspective is different from the parents' perspective.
I can imagine my mum telling everyone how hands on they are and how they love to help and be a big part of GC's lives and they do so much to help.

For me, they do help and I appreciate that - but it isn't a massive amount.
They did 6 hours one day per week for the first year. After that they look after DC one day per week during school holidays. And have them over night every other month (a 24hour stay). If it's in school hols then included in the above. That's it.
The reality is that they aren't a main feature in the children's daily lives.

Actually, I'd consider that to be quite a bit and quite generous of them.

TheForestCalls · 13/12/2024 23:55

Lollzi86 · 13/12/2024 23:53

Sorry it’s not the same as having to be everything to everyone! Often even these days women are the primary carer and are now expected to work full time and be able to do it all! It’s tiring. It’s exhausting. When your kids are grown I don’t blame GM not wanting to spend all their spare time looking after GC although a) they should not comment about the GC being looked after properly etc. and b) they should remember how hard it was for them and occasionally step in if they are in a position too

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They're often being expected to care for aging parents as well.

echt · 14/12/2024 00:20

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despairnow · 14/12/2024 00:28

Retirement age is 67 now. Used to be 60 for women.

HoppingPavlova · 14/12/2024 02:19

Retirement age is 67 now. Used to be 60 for women

That’s when you can retire though, it’s not compulsory unless the UK is different to where I am? Here it just means you are eligible for state and/or private pension. I worked in the UK for many years but when younger so I didn’t take any notice of your laws surrounding retirement as it wasn’t relevant to me at the time.

I don’t know anyone, male or female that retires at retirement age. Many people, including myself, ‘retire’ to desk jobs because it does get to a point where being on your feet and working long shifts, and putting up with people’s constant shit, gets beyond grinding. No one I know has then retired at retirement age, but when ill health has come about meaning desk jobs are no longer feasible. Meanwhile you still get to have nice holidays in your annual leave without having to worry about budget. Then when you can’t do the desk job any longer you get your pensions. For most I know this seems to be late 70’s to 80ish. At that point, looking after grandkids becomes a stretch and overseas holidays become too hard.

saraclara · 14/12/2024 07:34

MeganM3 · 13/12/2024 23:50

I wonder though, how GPs perspective is different from the parents' perspective.
I can imagine my mum telling everyone how hands on they are and how they love to help and be a big part of GC's lives and they do so much to help.

For me, they do help and I appreciate that - but it isn't a massive amount.
They did 6 hours one day per week for the first year. After that they look after DC one day per week during school holidays. And have them over night every other month (a 24hour stay). If it's in school hols then included in the above. That's it.
The reality is that they aren't a main feature in the children's daily lives.

A day a week for a year, then a day a week for quarter of the year, plus monthly sleepovers, isn't enough for you? And isn't enough to be part of the children's lives?

Good grief.

LimeYellow · 14/12/2024 08:40

@MeganM3 my parents did similar when my DC were younger (less now they're in their 80s) and I described them in this same thread as "very helpful and supportive"!

usernother · 14/12/2024 08:42

HoppingPavlova · 14/12/2024 02:19

Retirement age is 67 now. Used to be 60 for women

That’s when you can retire though, it’s not compulsory unless the UK is different to where I am? Here it just means you are eligible for state and/or private pension. I worked in the UK for many years but when younger so I didn’t take any notice of your laws surrounding retirement as it wasn’t relevant to me at the time.

I don’t know anyone, male or female that retires at retirement age. Many people, including myself, ‘retire’ to desk jobs because it does get to a point where being on your feet and working long shifts, and putting up with people’s constant shit, gets beyond grinding. No one I know has then retired at retirement age, but when ill health has come about meaning desk jobs are no longer feasible. Meanwhile you still get to have nice holidays in your annual leave without having to worry about budget. Then when you can’t do the desk job any longer you get your pensions. For most I know this seems to be late 70’s to 80ish. At that point, looking after grandkids becomes a stretch and overseas holidays become too hard.

Edited

Really? Most of my friends retired early, before 60. I don't know anyone who has carried on working past state retirement age.

Whoyoutakingto · 14/12/2024 08:53

usernother · 14/12/2024 08:42

Really? Most of my friends retired early, before 60. I don't know anyone who has carried on working past state retirement age.

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I am 60 in January and no retirement in site😔. My dream would have been to retire and have my granddaughter preschool but they lived too far away and I still had teenagers living at home. However from being 8months she came to stay often a week at a time so my DD could save holidays for spending time with DGD taking her nice places in better weather. They recently moved to be near me and it is amazing. DGD stays over each week and I can juggle with DD to do drop offs and pick ups from school when my DD has meetings or needs to work away.Also to me it is really important my DD has a life outside of work and home as she does work very hard and in a high pressure job. My DGD and I have a great relationship and I feel so very lucky.

Bambi1980 · 14/12/2024 09:08

Both my parents are deceased. My exes parents have got rid of their car now but before rarely saw them and they live 10 minute drive away. They looked after DS some days when he was little before ge started nursery at age 3. I then went on to have twins. It took me almost having a breakdown and them seeing how upset I was, to actually offer to come over and occasionally help. They are the types that need to be asked, rather than offer.

ObelixtheGaul · 14/12/2024 09:23

Laiste · 09/12/2024 21:53

Hmm - my own impression is that when i was small grandparents were generally NOT doing daily child care. They were there at the weekend for a cuddle and a board game with a bag of boiled sweets - not parenting.

However these days it seems most grandparents are either still working or doing at least a few days a week child care for their grand kids.

My inlaws have virtually raised one of their kid's kids and my own best mate's mum has done daily child care 5 days a week for 8 years now.

My own mother did no childcare for me. She was blunt about that. Me - i do a day a week looking after my GD for my eldest.

I would agree with this. When I was a child (70s/80s) my DGPs lived about 5 hours drive away. Oh, how I envied my friends who saw Granny and Gramps every weekend, but it was visits, not childcare. Tea at Grandma's seemed to be a family thing. Grandparents were involved in family life more.

CheekyRaven · 14/12/2024 10:24

My parents regularly had my 2 DS when they were younger. On the other hand my DH parents did not, the one time we asked if they were free on 'such an evening' they said yes they were, we asked if the would childsit, they were horrified as they thought we were asking them to go out with us for the evening!!! We didn't ask again.

usernother · 14/12/2024 11:00

@Whoyoutakingto All my friends who retired early worked in the public sector all their lives so had good pensions, and also husbands with good pensions. I definitely didn't retire before 60 due to not working in public sector all my life.

Kths · 14/12/2024 12:41

I see lots of boomer bashing but surely it’s no longer boomers that are grandparents to younger grandchildren

in a very early millennial and a grandparent, i would say gen x are the grandparents of young grandchildren but anyhow I digress

I have my grandson every opportunity I can, I work a lot so it’s not as much as I would like, I have him for sleepovers and take him out and he’s 5 now and I have done this since he was a baby to help out and give me son and his girlfriend a break when it was needed

i I had a lot of help with my son from my mum and my nan when he was little which enabled me to work And go to uni

i hand friends who’s parents don’t have their children and it boggles my brain

RosesAndHellebores · 14/12/2024 12:50

MeganM3 · 13/12/2024 23:50

I wonder though, how GPs perspective is different from the parents' perspective.
I can imagine my mum telling everyone how hands on they are and how they love to help and be a big part of GC's lives and they do so much to help.

For me, they do help and I appreciate that - but it isn't a massive amount.
They did 6 hours one day per week for the first year. After that they look after DC one day per week during school holidays. And have them over night every other month (a 24hour stay). If it's in school hols then included in the above. That's it.
The reality is that they aren't a main feature in the children's daily lives.

Crikey! I'd have been over the moon with that sort of help.

I am very pleased I'm not your mother. I'd be so ashamed if my dd were so ungrateful.

DowntonFlabbie · 14/12/2024 13:19

Kths · 14/12/2024 12:41

I see lots of boomer bashing but surely it’s no longer boomers that are grandparents to younger grandchildren

in a very early millennial and a grandparent, i would say gen x are the grandparents of young grandchildren but anyhow I digress

I have my grandson every opportunity I can, I work a lot so it’s not as much as I would like, I have him for sleepovers and take him out and he’s 5 now and I have done this since he was a baby to help out and give me son and his girlfriend a break when it was needed

i I had a lot of help with my son from my mum and my nan when he was little which enabled me to work And go to uni

i hand friends who’s parents don’t have their children and it boggles my brain

Yes, it is still boomers as well. I'm gen x and have young children, as do many others

JenniferBooth · 14/12/2024 13:55

MeganM3 · 13/12/2024 23:50

I wonder though, how GPs perspective is different from the parents' perspective.
I can imagine my mum telling everyone how hands on they are and how they love to help and be a big part of GC's lives and they do so much to help.

For me, they do help and I appreciate that - but it isn't a massive amount.
They did 6 hours one day per week for the first year. After that they look after DC one day per week during school holidays. And have them over night every other month (a 24hour stay). If it's in school hols then included in the above. That's it.
The reality is that they aren't a main feature in the children's daily lives.

Sounds to me like you should have remained child free

Oopsadaisysgranny · 14/12/2024 13:57

I’m from the baby boomer generation and never had day to day help with my 5 children . Neither did my parents have help . We however look after our dgc every day ! Dgc lives with us as do her parents they are both working so I do the day to day care and nighttime feeds . I feel so lucky that I’m able to do this as most of my age group are working . Life is tricky juggling work and children for both generations so wouldn’t knock grandparents who don’t provide care . But I’m so happy I can and my dgc is my life