Modern grandparenting double standards

[TheCalmQuail]

I'll preface this with yes I know that my DC are my responsibility and I shouldn't expect childcare, but it would be nice if it felt like GPs actually wanted to spend time/get to know DC/help occasionally.

Its come up in a few conversations with other parents recently about how little time their DPs spend with their DC, especially in comparison to when they were younger and at their GPs daily. Myself included, I avoided nursery completely when my DM went back to work because free daily childcare from a relative, and some of my happiest regular memories are spending regular one on one time with my Nana.

I realise GPs are entitled to their own lives, but the lack of help does seem like double standards, when a large majority have seemingly had so much help themselves.

I love my DM dearly but I'm surprised at how little effort she puts in, she relocated to live down the road from us and I barely see her unless she needs me. It often feels like she's an extra toddler as I have to suggest stuff to tempt her to do anything together; I manage the logistics, drive her there etc. She will be there for emergency childcare requests when possible. But I'd love her to be a bit more proactive, if only just to give her and DC more time together, as they adore her. And on the flip side I regularly help her out with her home, tech issues, pet sitting, I've built her a website and saved her thousands on setting up her part time business. I also am always the one to invite her over for meals, it's never reciprocated. I'd love her to nip over and take DC to the park, or for a hot choc once in while, just because she wanted to see him

Similar for PIL, we make a +200 mile round trip every 6-8 weeks to see them. MIL will often very bluntly tell us how knackered we look, but they've not once offered to take DC for an hour or two whilst we're there, or suggested me and DH go for a coffee/have a bit of time as a couple. I don't think they've changed a single nappy in over 3 years. Yet they expect us to schlep a toddler across 4 counties on the regular out of obligation.

I absolutely know this is #notallgrandparents as my DB ILs also relocated nearer to him. They have their GC one day a week and regularly on weekends, they do the majority of school holiday childcare and are still often asking for extra sleepovers and time together with their DGC. Which is all a lot more than I'd ever expect.

I know this will be a marmite subject, but really AIBU? Surely the idea is to pass on the help and generosity you received, to help the next generation?

@Kths I think as a millennial with a 5 year old grandchild, you’re an outlier rather than the norm.

You must only be about 42?

We are late boomers, 64 and 63. Our DC are almost 30 and 26. No sign of gc yet. I suspect we are likely to be 70 when/if it happens.

Another one who thinks that poster sounds absurd! I think my parents have been and continue to be a big help and support considering everyone's circumstances but they don't do anywhere near that amount of childcare! Not that I expect them to, as I say I consider them a big help and we are very close, and my kids are very close to them both too.

I was 34 when my first grandchild was born. I realise that’s not common, but I don’t think 42 is unusual.

I do. I have friends who had their first baby at 41/2 and lots who had their last at 43/4.

I think broadly speaking you’re more likely to find 42 year old women having babies themselves than becoming grandmothers in the UK. Particularly in educated/professional circles. I don’t mean that rudely, merely factually.

My Mum was always there to help with my 2 boys, she lived a way out , but would get the train up to care for them, also would have them to stay in the holidays.
I am not a Nana yet, but it's my biggest wish, we are nearby, so I will be there for any childcare for when my Dil goes back to work, plus if they want nights out etc...
I can't wait.

You’re right of course. I 65 though. I think younger mothers were more common when I was young. Also, although I joined the educated/professional class, I wasn’t in it as a teenager.

My grandparents were not all that present as they lived in different parts of the country. When we did see them it was exciting and pleasant. We played board games and went to the park. But they were not substitute parents and didn’t have us to stay.

My brother gets alllll the childcare from my parents and I get very little. Same with in laws. They did and still do everything for BIL and kids, saving them absolutely thousands in childcare, allowing them to really climb their career ladders. We have had hardly anything. It hurts at times and DH and I are exhausted but because we never complain we don’t get help. We had two hours last week where we popped out Xmas shopping together. The first two hours since last Christmas when we did the same.

I think so. All of my grandparents were 50 when I was born, and very much seemed on par with my friends grandparents age wise generally speaking.

My own mum was 50 when I had my daughter in my mid-twenties, she was and remains years younger than most of my daughters peers grandparents. It’s very noticeable. There are some at pick up who could theoretically be her parents, solid 20 years between them.

Granted I was a bit of an outlier having a baby in my mid-twenties within my social group, the next closest in age child to her within it is 6 years younger.

What you need to consider is that in some cases (definitely only some!) if your own parents “outsourced” a lot of parenting to grandparents, or had a lot of grandparental help, it wasn’t because they thought this is what all grandparents should do, it was because they didn’t much like looking after small children.

My grandparents were very much involved - my parents moved back to the town where both sets of grandparents lived when I was small, and between them they did school drop off, pick up and afterschool and holiday childcare until I was about 13.

Now we have kids we live further away so it wasn’t feasible anyway but they’ve shown absolutely no interest in that level of involvement with my children. My sister lives near them and they haven’t done any regular childcare or babysat for both kids at once for more than hour at a time.

"Most" of the retirees you know are pushing 80?! I'm sorry, but that's - at best - an over exaggeration.
Although, I guess it could depend on the sector of work...

I think it’s an American thing. When I’ve been in the US, it’s awful seeing elderly people working in menial jobs to try to make ends meet.

@StrikeForever Sadly I think it’s now happening to some retirees in the UK due to the COL. My elderly Dad uses a certain taxi firm regularly and one of their drivers is around 70-he told my Dad that he needs the extra cash to top up his pension. 🙁

That’s very sad. It’s shamefully common in the US. I hope we don’t go the same way.

In 1987, at 30 years old I was the oldest in my local ante-natal class.

Now 30 seems to be at the younger end for having one's first child.

As I've said before, with each generation of my family, a decade was added to the age of becoming a grandmother. 42 to 52 to my 62.

I work in the public sector so it’s the husband with a good pension that’s missing thankfully 😅 I would rather work till I drop 😮🤣🤣🤣

Just imagining this (I don't have kids). I'm 69 and have a chronic illness - one that mainly affects women, often kicking in around menopause. The younger generation of my family is just having kids now. There is NO WAY I could parent now, even if the child was down the road and my direct descendant. Without contemplating the damage it would do to me, I wouldn't be a safe pair of hands for more than an hour or so.

Not everyone has illnesses to contend with, but most people have less energy, less physical resilience, more aches and pains as we get older. I did enough full-time childcare when young; I'm well aware of how demanding it is. Is it really reasonable to ask people to start doing it all over again in their older years?

As you were the child being cared for, you don't know how much it took out of your grandmother. I remember my gran becoming less 'fun' over a short space of years, and she never had my younger sibs to stay as she did me, so I'm guessing she'd already learned she no longer had the strength for a second run at parenting.

It's a bit daft of you not ask your mum if she'd like to have DC over for a few hours, though!

Interesting thread.

I think you are slightly conflating two issues, OP - grandparents helping their adult children with childcare or babysitting, and grandparents taking an interest in their grandchildren ie spending time with them while the parents are there. Of course, grandparents who are interested are likely to do both. But I think it is most hurtful when grandparents don't even take an interest in seeing the grandchildren, let alone looking after them from time to time.

PPs mentioned the increase in grandparents doing childcare. I've certainly noticed that some of my friends get a lot of childcare help from their parents, and many of the volunteers I work with (mostly retired) do a lot of childcare for their adult children. I get very little help (or even visits) from my parents and to be completely honest, it's painful to be aware of how interested and helpful some grandparents can be.

I don't think blanket generalisations about generations are helpful, though. My parents are both pretty selfish and self-absorbed but I'm pretty sure that's just their personalities
I'm 39 and my parents are in their early 60s, both still working albeit part-time. Many people of their generation are doing a lot for their elderly parents - some are actually looking after elderly parents and grandchildren. I could understand it all being too much. But some people in their 60s do have a sense of entitlement and no desire to help their adult children.

I do resent it, tbh. My parents went to university, didn't have to pay tuition fees or take out huge student loans, bought houses when prices were affordable and have benefited from massive house price increases in their lifetime. They are financially comfortable with plenty of free time. They occasionally make sympathetic noises about how much DH and I have to deal with (demanding jobs and children - one of whom is ND) but actually don't give a shit about seeing us let alone helping.

@TheCalmQuail
"Similar for PIL, we make a +200 mile round trip every 6-8 weeks to see them."

Please stop doing this. I suggest you space out the visits much more, no more than 3 times a year. In between you can offer video calls or them visiting you - which they are unlikely to do, but their loss.

My MIL lives around the corner. She says she wants to see the children but each time we go, she hardly interacts with them and instead chats to DH 🤷‍♀️
She babysat them during day twice (eldest is 10).

Hmm. If work asked you to do those sort of hours extra without pay it would be ok as it's not " massive" ?

@Garlicwest you make very valid points and sometimes our views fail to take into account others circumstances.
@AnotherEmma I feel for you, no one really took an interest in my kids from the PIL side and my parents passed away before I had kids. I always looked forward to having GC only have one currently, but I always wanted a big family and loved kids, rather go to the park than clean, yes different personalities I guess.
@Peonies007 Your MIL has missed out, soon your child won’t want to visit and your MIL won’t get a second chance.

@Whoyoutakingto already happening. They hardly ever want to go bc 'it's boring' and 'granny never talks to us'.
My husband is wondering what we should do. Told him that I can't develop relationship between them, it's something his mum needs to do.
In contrast, my mother (lives abroad), they love her, even though don't see her frequently. She gets on floor with them, they google translate to each other, which everyone finds funny (she doesn't speak english and kids don't speak good level of foreign language yet), she is warm and gives them hug. They desperately miss her. You can't make them do it.

@AnotherEmma “But some people in their 60s do have a sense of entitlement and no desire to help their adult children” So grandparents pursuing their own interests having already raised their own children have a sense of entitlement eh? Actually, we are entitled to pursue what we enjoy and not do it all again. It seems you should check your own sense of entitlement!