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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Modern grandparenting double standards

398 replies

TheCalmQuail · 09/12/2024 21:33

I'll preface this with yes I know that my DC are my responsibility and I shouldn't expect childcare, but it would be nice if it felt like GPs actually wanted to spend time/get to know DC/help occasionally.

Its come up in a few conversations with other parents recently about how little time their DPs spend with their DC, especially in comparison to when they were younger and at their GPs daily. Myself included, I avoided nursery completely when my DM went back to work because free daily childcare from a relative, and some of my happiest regular memories are spending regular one on one time with my Nana.

I realise GPs are entitled to their own lives, but the lack of help does seem like double standards, when a large majority have seemingly had so much help themselves.

I love my DM dearly but I'm surprised at how little effort she puts in, she relocated to live down the road from us and I barely see her unless she needs me. It often feels like she's an extra toddler as I have to suggest stuff to tempt her to do anything together; I manage the logistics, drive her there etc. She will be there for emergency childcare requests when possible. But I'd love her to be a bit more proactive, if only just to give her and DC more time together, as they adore her. And on the flip side I regularly help her out with her home, tech issues, pet sitting, I've built her a website and saved her thousands on setting up her part time business. I also am always the one to invite her over for meals, it's never reciprocated. I'd love her to nip over and take DC to the park, or for a hot choc once in while, just because she wanted to see him

Similar for PIL, we make a +200 mile round trip every 6-8 weeks to see them. MIL will often very bluntly tell us how knackered we look, but they've not once offered to take DC for an hour or two whilst we're there, or suggested me and DH go for a coffee/have a bit of time as a couple. I don't think they've changed a single nappy in over 3 years. Yet they expect us to schlep a toddler across 4 counties on the regular out of obligation.

I absolutely know this is #notallgrandparents as my DB ILs also relocated nearer to him. They have their GC one day a week and regularly on weekends, they do the majority of school holiday childcare and are still often asking for extra sleepovers and time together with their DGC. Which is all a lot more than I'd ever expect.

I know this will be a marmite subject, but really AIBU? Surely the idea is to pass on the help and generosity you received, to help the next generation?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCalmQuail · 10/12/2024 20:45

WhiteEmulsion · 10/12/2024 18:05

If your Mum was happy to leave you, her baby, in care of family while going to work, what makes you think she would sacrifice her freedom to look after your babies? I would assume even less interest is a natural progression.

Bit of a reach here, my DM isn't a bad person. She actually became a SAHM for half a decade after my younger sibling was born. I understand that people need to work. I myself have put my DC in childcare out of necessity, I don't think that is an indication of whether or not I'll be interested in my DCs kids, should they have them.

OP posts:
ForkHandlesNotFourCandles · 10/12/2024 20:50

I think if you all live near each other it’s easier.
I moved away for Uni and didn’t move back near my parents.

My mum ( born 1932 ) would have loved us nearby and would have been proactive re grandkids but we couldn’t get our type of jobs near my home town.
My MIL ( born 1930 ) though wouldn’t have done anything to help, she didn’t even buy the kids Christmas or birthday presents and didn’t even wrap the ones we gave her to give.

So possibly both location and character are important.

StevieNic · 10/12/2024 22:04

@fitzwilliamdarcy you’ve misinterpreted the issue here- why did they accept their parents buying our clothes and shoes all of our childhood, as if it was expected, but when they become grandparents it doesn’t even cross their minds? Similarly our grandparents provided childcare and babysitting for them- they’ve never offered. I wonder why they never compare the help they had, with the help they give.

JudgeJ · 10/12/2024 22:19

Stormyweatheroutthere · 09/12/2024 21:51

When our dc was born mil backed away and haven't seen her since dc was 3 months old. Dc is now 10.. Such was the horror of being a dgm.... .

Maybe she reads MN about how MILs are terrible and how if grandparents open their mouths about any little thing they are frozen out. Parents can't have it both ways, they want their 'little family bubble' but only when it suits them.

LaineyCee · 10/12/2024 22:23

Your kids, your responsibility.

RM2013 · 11/12/2024 00:14

DH and I are in our 50’s and still work full
time and likely to have to work until 67 or beyond as our mortgage will extend until DH is 70 so reducing hours isn’t an option as we simply can’t afford it. We have a GC (step GC for me) and we try and make arrangement to see them when we have free weekends (we are both involved in voluntary activities that we took on way before GC was born so often have commitments at weekends that limits our free time) DIL is strict about bedtime and routines so weekday evenings are out of the question which only leaves weekends. We have made many suggestions about getting together for weekend visits only to be told that they are busy and have other plans. DIL is also reluctant to leave GC with anyone other than her own family. They also have very strict rules on activities allowed, routines and food which I understand but it feels very restrictive and feels like we can’t do right.
yet still they complain about how hard it is for them having DC and how they never get a break and that no one helps them out.
my parents were amazing with my DC but we fully accepted that when they visited their GP they got free rein on the food given and activities done etc (obviously within reason)
it isn’t how I envisioned being a GP would be but it’s complicated
There does seem to be a little bit of expectation from some parents that GP will provide childcare for work or for them to have a break but equally they chose to have children in the same way that we did but we didn’t expect our parents to provide childcare (we were lucky and grateful that they did help out with some school runs and after school care but we never expected overnight stays or weekends away etc. my parents raised their kids and I didn’t expect them to want to have to raise mine in their 60’s (dad was retired by the time we had kids although Mum still worked)

fitzwilliamdarcy · 11/12/2024 14:46

StevieNic · 10/12/2024 22:04

@fitzwilliamdarcy you’ve misinterpreted the issue here- why did they accept their parents buying our clothes and shoes all of our childhood, as if it was expected, but when they become grandparents it doesn’t even cross their minds? Similarly our grandparents provided childcare and babysitting for them- they’ve never offered. I wonder why they never compare the help they had, with the help they give.

Yeah, it's unequal, I get that. But you posted saying that you were so angry with your parents for not buying your kids clothes that you felt like "saying something". The fact that your grandparents provided you with clothes doesn't mean you're entitled to the same from your parents now. It'd be nice, yes, but you have no right to "say something" about it not happening.

GivingitToGod · 11/12/2024 14:50

My grandparents dies when I was a baby so I don't have that experience. My parents had died before my child was born. I was working FT when my GC were born but I have been an integral part of their life. Days out, holidays, school runs and pick ups when I can. I cannot imagine any other way. I also have time and interests away from them.
That said, I am aware of the big disparity between GPs

CandyMaker · 11/12/2024 14:55

@StevieNic Maybe your parents could not afford to buy clothes for you all? If you can, why would it cross your mind of your parents to buy your kids clothes?

GivingitToGod · 11/12/2024 15:02

RosesAndHellebores · 10/12/2024 12:06

The thread is an interesting read. DH and I are early/mid 60s and still working full-time. Grown-up DS is married, dd is partnered. All working full time.

We had occasional grandparent support at the grandparents' convenience and in emergencies. When the DC were 5 plus my mother would have them, singly, in the school holidays, which was a help. Their grandmother's were about 58/9 when the GC were born. I shall be a minimum of 65.

Our parents were 200 and 100 miles away respectively. DS is presently 200 miles away and whilst dd is local I expect her and her partner to be living in Continental Europe within two years. No grandchildren yet.

We supported our DC by providing them with superb educations, by supporting their career choices and post graduate choices. Their formative years were excellent and provided them with much opportunity. They are independent, make their own decisions and are entirely capable. We do not expect to provide them with formal, regular childcare when they have children. We consider our support and graft to be done. We will help them with emergencies and in holidays and occasionally if we are needed but that is it. They had 24/5 years of 100% emotional, practical, and financial support to enable them to adult. When they have children it will be their turn to adult.

DH and I are also presently responsible for providing elder care. One cares for those who are vulnerable. Adult children, unless they have health needs, tend not to be vulnerable.

This thread is a real eye opener. At least I have told both children that I will not be responsible for childcare in advance. They may each get the equivalent of a day's paid care if required but generally because they are not entitled by nature.

This post is missing the point. No GP has a duty to do anything but several of them want to, irrespective of the parenting of the adult children. Being involved in GC lives could include days out/holidays etc and in some cases childcare when the parents are working.

GivingitToGod · 11/12/2024 15:06

Corknights77 · 10/12/2024 14:31

Yup, it's a thing. We've lost all sense of social responsibility recent generations and it shows. Everyone wanted to work to contribute, help each other out. Now it's much more selfish and about you and what you can get away with.

I’m not sure this is entirely true. I live in a rural village and there have always been lonely isolated elderly people living alone here generation after generation who are supported by the community to a certain extent. Also many families who have been estranged, going back fifty years or more.

I think what has changed is that people are becoming more real about family relationships. And friendships for that matter. And I say this as someone with a very close family and some truly great friends.

When women didn’t work and had less economic power, we were sold this idealistic view of motherhood and domesticity. A pastel pink vision of maternal love.

And when that changed, we became women wrestling with motherhood and the workplace and some women thrive and some sink under the pressure.

Then we were told the lie that our friends will be our new families but few people have time, or even want that level of commitment when they are working and parenting at the same time.

The truth is that parenting and working is hard work and we are not all the same and that’s ok.

Some mothers and fathers are naturally maternal and paternal and they probably are the ones that will throw themselves in to grand-parenting and make great gps!

Some of us are quiet, creative types who need more quiet time and space and I think that’s ok too tbh. We threw ourselves in to parenting our own dc for a quarter of a century and loved it, mostly 😄, but it perhaps didn’t come as naturally as to some others.

I look forward to teaching my gc creative skills, but I also look forward to being able to prioritise, for the very first time in my sixties, some days when my own time is just for me.

Grandparents are not one homogenous group of people with similar characteristics!

Brilliant post, thank you

Bibi222 · 11/12/2024 15:12

I want to be involved in my GC lives. We were even stopped from sending a card and present.
Unfortunately DiL (step) refused any contact once she divorced, it was limited enough when she was married to DSS.

My own DGP’s weren't involved, my DP’s moved abroad when I became a single parent to three under 5’s.

I try and help, support my other DiL(step) but I work full-time, have all of the usual household chores and after 35 years, full time in education ( local government) I am KNACKERED!

FiveWhatByFiveWhat · 11/12/2024 15:23

SneakyLilNameChange · 09/12/2024 21:43

I know this will turn into a boomer bashing thread but my experience is my parents and their friends are early retirees with a fair bit of cash and feel they’ve earnt a nice easy long comfortable retirement (they have worked hard but only the same as us except we can’t afford a nanny, cleaner etc like they did…).so they’re busy on holidays, golfing, socialising. My grandparents were typical of their generation- very hard working, modest life and incredibly family orientated they had us every holiday.
My parents are great when we see them but their grandkids are not their priority at all. It is what it is!

I think things are just really different now.

People are having kids later, retiring later, living longer which means many in their 60s plus are potentially working and/or looking after elderly parents just as their kids start having their families. And yeah if you retire mid to late 60s I can kind of see why you'd maybe want/need more downtime than a grandparent 30 odd years ago who'd maybe always been a sahm or similar.

I also think that (puts hard hat on) SOME parents are a bit ott with expectations. Not just for them to have their kids but also what they do in that time - we're bombarded with info now and very easily judged so it feels like the end of the world if mil gives your baby a chocolate button or if the nap routine goes out the window. It's stressful for all involved sometimes.

I've got really supportive parents who are very involved, but fil lives in Spain half the year and mil is always out and about doing classes, holidays and pub crawls but "can't be getting up and down off the floor" to play with her grandson 🤷

So yeah I guess it's just a very mixed bag!!

arcticpandas · 11/12/2024 15:40

LaineyCee · 10/12/2024 22:23

Your kids, your responsibility.

Really?🙄 Did OP say her kid wasn't her responsability? Read the whole OP before commenting. I'm lucky to have a wonderful Mil who is delighted to have my DC over. DC2 sleeps twice a week at her place and they are very close. It has never been a burden or expected of her to care for my children especially since I'm not working due to DC1 having special needs so no need for babysitting. Some people value family and some people are just selfish I suppose...

CandyMaker · 11/12/2024 15:49

@FiveWhatByFiveWhat it sounds like she is saying it is a physical struggle to get up and down on the floor? I know I find it so.

saraclara · 11/12/2024 16:19

CandyMaker · 11/12/2024 15:49

@FiveWhatByFiveWhat it sounds like she is saying it is a physical struggle to get up and down on the floor? I know I find it so.

Me too. I seem active and only a few days ago someone described me as 'lithe and flexible'. I also travel a fair bit and carry a backpack. But with the grandchildren, the picking up/putting down/the weird angle to put them in their car seat is becoming a problem for me. I'm seeing a physio at the moment for that very reason. So @FiveWhatByFiveWhat just because your parents seem active, doesn't mean that their backs are actually up to this kind of thing

SemperIdem · 11/12/2024 16:31

My grandparents were all relatively young and working when I was a small child, the same is the case for my child and her grandparents.

They’re as involved as they reasonably can be, and I am grateful for their support.

RosesAndHellebores · 11/12/2024 18:13

GivingitToGod · 11/12/2024 15:02

This post is missing the point. No GP has a duty to do anything but several of them want to, irrespective of the parenting of the adult children. Being involved in GC lives could include days out/holidays etc and in some cases childcare when the parents are working.

Show quote history

I don't believe I have said it doesn't. What I have said is that I will not be providing regular childcare to cover work commitments. I expect nurseries, nannies, childminders to do that.

SpiritOfEcstasy · 11/12/2024 18:35

My DGPs lived overseas when I was a child so I only seen them during holidays. My siblings and I had a babysitter every Saturday night without fail for as long as I could remember - my DM had a pool of them 😂 and she and my DD went out on a date. I suppose when I was raising my DC I never expected them to provide childcare … and they never offered. It’s probably all about what we’re used to … I hired a babysitter if I wanted time with DH.

BooBooDoodle · 11/12/2024 19:06

Same with our GP’s. Living their best lives (of course they should) but grandkids get an hour a week if that. MIL favours our nephews and my two never get a look in. If we ask for sitters we have to book months in advance only to be let down. We no longer bother and DH and I haven’t spent a weekend away or had a date night in 10 years. It’s shit and my biggest bug bear.

i was really close to my nan and we spent an awful lot of time together, my parents went out the same amount as they do now when we were kids because my nanna always had us.

Carriemac · 11/12/2024 19:10

BooBooDoodle · 11/12/2024 19:06

Same with our GP’s. Living their best lives (of course they should) but grandkids get an hour a week if that. MIL favours our nephews and my two never get a look in. If we ask for sitters we have to book months in advance only to be let down. We no longer bother and DH and I haven’t spent a weekend away or had a date night in 10 years. It’s shit and my biggest bug bear.

i was really close to my nan and we spent an awful lot of time together, my parents went out the same amount as they do now when we were kids because my nanna always had us.

You could just pay for a babysitter if you wan to go out?

Pixiedust88 · 11/12/2024 19:12

Maybe they don’t want to offer as they don’t want to make it look like they think you can’t cope. Maybe ask them if they can have them for a bit so you can go out on your own. If you don’t ask you don’t get

Molly2023 · 11/12/2024 19:54

I found both sets of GP very nervous of both our DC as newborns but must say we're very lucky to have them all really involved helping out with childcare now that they're bigger. I've often found my MIL is too involved (with good intentions)! They're all pushing on though and have had health issues so I think a few hours here and there is enough for them. My own nana was amazing and regularly travelled the length of the country to help out but she was a much younger grandmother than our parents are

Moll2020 · 11/12/2024 23:00

I’m due to be a first time GP in 1 week - so bloody excited I can’t wait. Myself and DH work FT, DH is a shift worker, I work in early years so term time only. I’m dropping a day a week so I can look after my GC 1 day a week and will help as much as possible during school holidays. My parents didn’t do childcare for me 33 years ago but always helped on weekends. My children have a wonderful relationship with their GPs and I want the same when my GC is born.

Ak732087D · 12/12/2024 08:12

Seeing as a lot of posters expect to receive help from Grandparents when their DC are born/growing up did you ever consider discussing, before conceiving , if it was a good time for them too? Did it fit it with their work and life plans? Or did you see it as your and your DP private business and nothing to do with them?

Also, when I was growing up my DM would regularly take a cooked meal or baked cake around to my Grandparents house when she was cooking ….. do you do things like this for your DP? Or is helping out just a one way street in your eyes?

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