To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

@Grinch123
OP, will you adopt me?

I gave up doing Christmas with family when I realised that I was giving three expensive presents to my only sibling and getting one not very well though-out gift back. So if I were you I'd do a Secret Santa gift for whoever you get, £20 maximum. Return all the gifts you can, donate the rest to charity, and concentrate on having a brilliant Christmas at a nice hotel with your daughter. And if any of your family make snide comments say you thought it was only the Secret Santa this year and nobody has given YOU anything else.

I’d return everything you’ve purchased and just go along with the cheap secret Santa stuff and don’t host it at yours.

to be honest, their behaviour is rubbish but I do also get the feeling that you are kind of rubbing their faces in it.

wrap lots of presents for yourself by all means, but don’t ask for an audience to sit there watching you open them, even if there is stuff for them too.

I totally get the need to recreate a magical Christmas to make up for horrible ones growing up, I over spend; over organise and over do absolutely everything.

a couple of years ago my family behaved poorly and I drew a line under it, choosing to go away instead.

In your shoes I’d take DC to Abu Dhabi, stay at the Ritz or the St Regis. There’ll be gingerbread house decorating, Father Christmas, carols, gorgeous lunch, swimming and as much ice cream as they want. You can take them to Warner Brothers, the water park and the beach and enjoy the sun.

You are very generous and I understand why due to what you've said about your upbringing. But I think with their attitude it is time to stop.
They expect all of those gifts and refuse to buy you anything? Out of interest what would they say if you didn't give them those?

As they've said adults don't need gifts then they shouldn't be bothered.

Wow.

Easy to say, I know, but cancel Christmas, book a holiday somewhere lovely over Christmas for you and your DD. Somewhere, Christmassy.

If you have an alternative plan, it may make it easier for you to tell them.

Send back the gifts or keep them for yourself 100%.

Your family have become entitled. They think they are owed something for their shitty childhood. They are not. And most certainly not from you.

They are envious of your success and are pushing you for more and more.

If they are able to send you links throughout the year with gift ideas for themselves, they are able to save 50p a week to get you a small gift.

They are all CF.

Unbelievable.

You need to return the gifts.
Think of an excuse, can you say you've been invited to a friends house for Christmas and have taken her up on the offer?
Maybe add in that you will all exchange gifts there 😖

You deserve a present and they don't deserve you. Please, at least do something to stop their behaviour, it's atrocious. It doesn't have to be the nuclear option (though I do second this approach) but you do need to make a suitable stand to show that you see your worth and value, even if your family has lost sight of it.

I think there is a reason you were the only one to lift yourself out of difficult circumstances - you sound lovely and have admirable personal qualities in spades.

Merry Christmas OP you deserve a good one x

This is exactly right, and just what I was wanting to say.

A tiny Christmas, just the two of you, would be much more magical and meaningful than what you've tried to do so far over the years - your Christmases haven't been magical at all, they're purely transactional on everyone else's part. That really is not what Christmas is about, and it'd be best to let that delusion die now.

You've got an opportunity to change things now before your daughter gets old enough to notice and start to internalise the worse bits of this dynamic.

Save your money - if it makes it easier allocate it all to an extra account for your daughter.

Save your efforts. Honestly, just stop. It's not your responsibility anymore.💐

You can't buy their love. And if they can't afford a £5-£10 gift for your DD then they are taking advantage of you.

I'm so sorry.

But you can and have and will make Christmas magical for yourself.

About 15 years ago I went to Christmas with my DM and she got very upset about me not being 100% available to her over the three days. So I packed my stuff, drove home and had Christmas on my own. Top champagne and steak, luxury chocolates and all I wanted to watch on TV without compromising. How about pleasing yourself this year?

Absolute worse case scenario make this the last Christmas.
On Boxing Day text the group chat or individually and say lovely to see you all. We won't be doing Christmas next year as we have decided to go away on holiday. Just booked it today in the Boxing Day sales. See you all in the new year.

Then you just dig your heels in throughout the year. If they send you links to presents just say, not doing Christmas this year so won't be getting presents. Don't use the word sorry as you have nothing to feel sorry about.

If they guilt trip and say they won't have a Christmas without you then say they have each other. If they say they can't afford it/ can't afford presents just say it's not for adults anyway.

The family u create is more important than the family you came from

Definitely return everything you don't want for yourself. Use the gig tickets for yourself! Any money refunded, use to buy something for you!

I'm such a vengeful bitch I would have to find some way of getting something out of this. I really think they need to see just how badly they've treated you. Unfortunately I'm fresh out of ideas. Let me dwell on this

OP if you have to force it, it's not real x

OP you’re not alone. It cuts me deep to say it as I stopped the one Christmas I didn’t have one single gift to open from them. The only gift I had was a box of maltesers from a patient of mine, and a beautiful and moving card. A lot of thought had gone into that card and my favourite treat.
I work every Christmas now.

OP if you're one of those people who hates disappointing people (like I think you are) but really want to nip this in the bud then maybe keep one main present for each person from what you've already bought and then return/charity/keep the rest. Then at xmas you can clearly state that you had bought the gifts already so are giving them to them but you got the message about secret santa so returned the rest and will absolutely be participating in their idea of Secret Santa next year. That way you don't need to feel rubbish or that you blindsided them (which, lets be honest, they absolutely deserve!)

Christmas shouldn't be about what you've bought for them and if you lose them because you haven't spoilt them then they do not deserve you anyway. Your daughter does not deserve to grow up seeing them take the piss out of you either.

Sorry op this list is insane. I earn 6 figures and come from a very working class family and I spend 20 quid at most on a family members present if at all. I usually just say, we arent doing adult presents this year, dont buy me and I wont buy you. Kids that arent my owns presents also limited to 20 quid. My family respect I have bills to pay.

Ugg Tasmans
North Face Puffer
A £400 Lego set (this one almost didn't get bought!)
AirPods
Perfumes (Gucci/Marc Jacobs etc... fairly pricey ones)
A Cineworld subscription thing
Coldplay tickets (if I do go nuclear, I'm keeping these!)
Generous gift cards for Starbucks/Costa etc

Airpods, £400 on Lego?! I'm not surprised they all behave and are happy, but I doubt if they'd be so happy without their expensive gifts.

In the nicest possible way, OP, what you've been doing is buying your magical Christmas. Time to kick your freeloading family into touch and find genuine Christmas goodwill with people who will be happy to spend time with you and your daughter to simply enjoy the day. It's not all about family; true friends are sometimes the better option. Perhaps make 2025 the year you forge new connections?

Can I just add that when my lovely brother-in-law was stoney broke (seriously, he didn't have a proper home and was living in a shed) he still found a way to bring our kids a small, meaningful (and much appreciated) gift

Right!

Thank you all. I've read every message, and even the harsher ones have got my butt in gear.

I think I'm going nuclear. I could just do Secret Santa and host as usual but I know it will end up in tears/arguments/constant digs at me for 'ruining Christmas' - I do everything I do to avoid conflict, I don't want to see it play out!

An above poster mentioned if they'd even been invited - they haven't, it's been assumed this year. Im getting up the nerve to send a WhatsApp saying Secret Santa is a great idea, we'll be away but will make sure the gift gets to its recipient on time. I have DM for Secret Santa (almost lego recipient!) and will find something generic for her on Amazon and send it direct.

Tomorrow I'll sort out what I'm doing with the gifts. Keeping the Coldplay tickets but everything else I think I'll donate - will feel better than sending it all back 😂 Thanks @IggyAce for the suggestion, Salvation Army sounds like a good plan for some of the bits. Tempted to put all the big things up for free on a local FB page I know the family is on, but that may be TOO nuclear!

Now I just need to find somewhere to go. I've messaged a friend in Sydney on the off chance she's free and wants a very impromptu set of Christmas visitors...

@Grinch123 .... if it's now Secret Santa for everyone, why are you going to still give the gifts you have already purchased? They have asked for this change so you need to abide by their wishes and stick to SS.

You are never going to get the love you want from them. You need to stop trying to buy their love and affection