To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

They sound horrendous. Message the family and say "I didn't realize we were doing secret Santa this year so had already bought your gifts. Not to worry though, as I've donated them to a local charity giving gifts to people who will be in hospital for Christmas- so it's all worked out well in the end. Unfortunately I'm not able to host this year as I've decided my present to myself will be to spend Christmas on the beach in [expensive location]. Let me know when I can run the secret Santa gift over to you! Loads of love."

Yeah you need to cancel. They have literally no respect for you or the effort you're going to.

I never usually comment on these type of posts, but you should absolutely return everything you can. Anything that can’t be returned I would donate to a charity or a gifting scheme where the recipient will be grateful.

When everyone asks where their presents are, give them the responses they gave you, that they’re adults and they don’t need gifts and then next year book a really flashy holiday!

Have you anyone else you can spend Christmas with? Or book yourself into a spa/hotel?

Your family sound hard work and no they do not deserve your generosity. If you have had enough there is absolutely nothing wrong with cancelling and leaving them to it.

When there is a back story like yours there is a tendancy to put so much pressure on ourselves to recreate the Christmas' we missed out on. It is not your responsibility to rescue your family and you need to cut yourself some slack. You do Christmas your way and for you this year. Let them stew.

No amount of money you spend or gifts you buy is going to turn them into the people you want them to be.

Stop trying. Save your money. Concentrate on the people that actually give a shit about you.

A man hoping to be able to drink said whiskey on Christmas day.

Bloody hell op, those are incredibly generous gifts.

They don't deserve them.

Return everything you can and keep/give the rest to friends/charity.

Send a WhatsApp out to them all, saying you have decided not to do Christmas this year as you are fed up of being taken advantage of.

Then make a plan for yourself. Go for dinner with a friend, go for a walk, volunteer at a refuge.

Hell, sitting alone watching paint dry would be more fun than letting yourself be treated like a doormat:cash cow by this shower of ungrateful shite.

Please cancel.

Well, I'm not saying it's the best idea in the world when you don't know whether the recipient drinks or not 😆 but I think it's more hapless than mean spirited. Either way, OP has bigger fish to fry!

Thanks. I know it is! I think I've been putting up with it so long because if I call 'bullshit' this happy facade I've built falls and I enjoy (at least the idea of) spending Christmas with family. Maybe it is better if we all do our own thing and I stop trying to force something no one else cares about.

And yes! Therapy! I've done some but clearly need to go back 😂

Jesus OP - your family are vile. Definitely return or give the gifts to charity. Imagine any charity been given such fabulous gifts. You would really make some people's Xmas extraordinary.

If it’s secret Santa then YOU WILL get a gift. I think the Secret Santa is a great idea and the answer to your problem. Your family are trying to tell you to stop and that everything is unbalanced.

You are going way over the top and are the only one doing so, why? You can’t make everyone happy. There is a book called ‘women who love too much’ I have recommended it a lot lately, you are overdoing it to try to please everyone.

Now is your chance to get things equal. Stop with the gifts. If you want to spend money, then get tickets for you all to go to the cinema together and not just on stuff trying to please everyone. It’s too unbalanced.

I know there is an avalanche of ‘bring back the gifts, keep the money’ but you really should think about that. Spend it on some therapy for yourself, I’m not saying that to be smart, I really think you have been badly hurt and are continuing to be used because of your position in the family.

Use that text an opportunity to rebalance things. Happy Christmas.

if I do go nuclear, I'm keeping these!

What do you mean ‘if’? Please don’t tell me you are seriously still debating giving these people gifts/hosting them?!

Wow OP, you have been hugely generous. Any small local charity would bite your hands off for any of those gifts to raffle. That is a school PTAs dream list of prizes. If you can't be bothered to return them I would give them to a charity to do some good with them,
I hope you manage to have a lovely Christmas x

Knowing that they never get you anything, why have you persisted in buying things for them when they've been ungrateful in the past?

Why have you persisting in trying to do an movie style Christmas, which tbh is all for show, when you know it's no one else's reality?

Why have you decided that's what you should be doing?

Tbh, you almost are insensitive to their circumstances and seem to be flaunting your good fortune at them.

I'm not surprised there's a certain amount of tension here.

The suggestion of a secret Santa strikes me as someone else actually trying to deescalate an ever growing Christmas works rather than demanding more.

The alternative is almost making yourself into a Christmas martyr.

I don't get your mindset at all.

Just stop it.

Yes cancel. You aren't Santa. They sound like ungrateful brats.

Fuck that, those are expensive presents. They’re all using you, it’s like they’ve gone looking for the most expensive present they can get out of you! And then they’re unkind to you when they’re in your home and you can’t even open your presents from your friends in front of them. Nope, they can pay for their own Christmas this year!

OP they sound horrible. I wouldn't necessarily cancel entirely but I would massively scale back. Secret Santa works well, because you get to send all of this years purchased gifts to charity and deliberately by a terrible gift for whoever you have. Scale back food and all other effort and keep parroting "You got me thinking with the secret santa that we are all far too grown up to need such fuss, simple is best, good idea whoever came up with that"

You sound lovely and kind, but it's time to stop pandering to people who don't know how to reciprocate

Adults don’t need gifts? Oh ok. I’ll return the ones I bought and stick to the Secret Santa.

Omg! OP this is outrageous. Keep all you want and return the rest or give them to friends. They’re still bloody abusive the freeloading fuckers.

Give them nothing and if they complain repeat back to them “adults don’t get presents, you’re being ridiculous” etc. This should be the last Christmas you host!

You are so kind and they are taking advantage.
Please look after yourself and don’t give them another thing.
They have had years to change and show you respect. They haven’t so don’t.

You sound like you have worked hard in life and done really well.....good on you for rising above it for so long. I'd agree to secret Santa and take the gifts you've already purchased back if that's what everyone wants to do. And you should totally go and treat yourself to something fabulous, you deserve it! X

If it’s secret Santa then YOU WILL get a gift. I think the Secret Santa is a great idea

A bottle of whiskey when she doesn’t drink-that’s hardly a great idea for the OP!

OP I know it comes from a good place but drop the rope. They don't appreciate anything you do for them, they see it as their right because you have more money. You can't buy their love and consideration.

No you shouldn't host this year. Nor should you give them their presents.

Remember you don't have the money you have by sheer luck. You worked for it. They could do the same, even if not on your money, but they choose not to. And then they have the nerve to criticise you and demand more.

You will get a lot of pushback. Of course you will when the trough they've currently got their snouts in is taken away. Tell them what you're doing - or rather not doing- and block them. Leave them to their Secret Santa and whatever they can rustle up for Christmas dinner. And buy yourself lots of lovely goodies to open - even if you have only wrapped them the night before.

I think this is a fair take on the situation.