To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

Say that due to circumstances you are not hosting Christmas any more. Say that you will be away and so will give your secret Santa gift to someone to take along to the celebration. Donate the gifts you can’t return. A local charity raffle prize, children’s home - a local place that would welcome gifts. These family members can’t be bothered. Their loss not yours.

Your family will never change. You keep looking for the love and attention you didn’t get as a child. Give up - that is not the place. You will never find it there. Go to therapy and build relationships outside of your family where you are seen and valued.

Absolutely this.

Just came on here to say, Christmas is just me and my mum and it’s absolutely my most favourite time and some of my best memories growing up! It can absolutely be special and magical just the two of you, and even though I now live in another country I will always make sure I’m back for my mum and I to have our Christmas just together.

You deserve better this, and honestly your daughter deserves to see you model decent boundaries and self worth.

You are well within your rights to go nuclear. If you don't think you'd stick to it, please at the very least return/donate and regift what you've bought. Stick to the secret santa. Send them a message along the lines of "thought about what you said and think you're right. Happy to stick to just the secret santa, at least by returning what I'd bought there's even more money to treat DC".

Whatever you do, do not repeat what you've done before and lavish them with gifts bought with a care that will never be returned. They will never change, but you can't keep martyring yourself in the hope that they do

You’re already softening by the end of this post- It’s not that bad really, actually it’s quite nice… stand firm OP and BAFF while lounging by a pool over Christmas.

We posted at the same time! Am so proud of you for sticking up for yourself!!

You are doing the right thing and I’m keeping my fingers crossed your Australian friend is free.

Oh OP I really feel for you. You've been so kind and generous and it's been thrown back in your face.

I know it's been said on here already but please please do go back to therapy. You're essentially trying to keep up an illusion to feed a fantasy that doesn't exist and also focusing on the wrong things. My family is well-off and everyone gets on but we do nothing like the gifts you listed here. Most gifts are around the £50 mark for immediate relatives and the £20 mark for cousins/nephews/nieces etc. The joy for us is in spending time together, singing christmas songs, playing silly games, enjoying the meal that we've jointly made, etc. Anyone who suggested a £400 lego set would be laughed out of town, even though we could technically afford it.

I totally understand you wanting to create a big family christmas for your dd, but that absolutely should not be conditional on you spending a bomb on everyone to get it. She can still have that without all the expensive gifts or piles of gifts, if they are willing to have a more traditional, family-oriented christmas. I think you should cancel this year and explain you feel very hurt by them all. Then spend the next year getting therapy, trying to rebuild the relationships that are worth saving and resetting expectations for next year. If anyone dumps you because of your new approach then they genuinely aren't a loss as they have sadly just been using you. Focus your efforts on building meaningful relationships with a smaller group of people who actually care about you and DD. Best of luck to you both.

Yes cancel xmas

Tell them you're working
Going away
Make something up

Don't try to reason or explain
You have never got anything and you never will get anything .
They don't want to know .

Make the change

Read some books on toxic families boundaries and self esteem.

Goodluck with your life 🍸 you only get one

I'm so glad it's not just me! I hope you treat yourself too when you're working this year x

Also, Malteasers are elite. I think I'm going to buy myself a box 😋

Not even making a fuss of your DD?!! That would be the final straw for me.
The year I couldn’t cope with being put upon at Christmas anymore at the last minute we went to Lapland. It was FABULOUS!! I bet they have some last minute deals too. Treat yourself.

I completely understand you wanting her to have a lovely big family Christmas but big isn't always beautiful.

Christmas is a time to be with the people you really love, who really love you back.

It makes me feel really sad and angry for you, to think of you spending all that money on things your family members really want, only for them to make no effort for you in return. Even just a small gift with some real thought behind it would make all the difference.

I think in future you should aim for a small but perfectly formed Christmas with your DD. Maybe it's hard when she's small but you can create traditions and rituals together as she grows up.

Thank you! I feel all the stories of small Christmases I've read in the past have seemed pretty crap so this has given me hope! Hopefully next year I'll be up for inviting someone new who appreciates it, and we can build our own little Christmas family.

I'm scared of being alone and DD growing up with a tiny Christmas

Plenty of posters have already said sensible things but just wanted to address this: your daughter will have a better time having a lovely, self contained Christmas just with her wonderful Mum than in a big, toxic and dysfunctional environment. It’s not the size of the family that matters, it’s the love. Sorry I know that sounds corny but it’s true. Watch the final scene of the original Matilda movie with Miss Honey and Matilda - this is the dynamic you want for your daughter at Christmas. Not a bunch of ungrateful, jealous and entitled relatives who don’t even bother to get her a gift.

OP you sound like an amazing person who has been taken advantage of. I cant believe your family is so tight to want to do secret santa - they should be getting you a little something to say thank you for making their Christmases so magical. They are taking the absolute piss.

What made me gasp though is they don't buy for your little one, it's for you to sort! Wtf! That is unbelievable. Good for you for looking for new plans - you can start new transitions with your child and make it magical for you both to share together.

OP, I get it. I was neglected growing up, and then emotionally abused by the horrible woman my father married. Had little or no contact with my mother until I was kicked out by the woman mentioned above. So many Christmases were miserable, and the lack of presents from parents did feel like lack of love. Its been really hard for me to try and see it as anything else, and I still find it really upsetting not to have something to open on Christmas Day. People have scoffed at me for that - but fuck them. Its what is important to me. It is not about the price or fanciness of the present - it is the idea that someone cares enough about me to think about what I may like, be that socks, or a candle - as they say, it is the thought that counts.

The only way to manage situations like this is the drastic option. You have told them what is important to you - they scoffed and mocked you. You asked for what you needed - they belittled you. You did something important to you - they made digs about it. Because you have so little from them, you are mistaking lack of them being actively awful for magical Christmas.

Cancel everything. Write and tell them that, due to their continued disrespect of you in your own home, and the arrogance of asking for expensive presents while not even buying a small toy for your daughter, you will not be hosting them. You will drop off a SS present for your person - or you can give the bottle of whisky for a SS present since you will not be able to use it.

Once you have sold the presents and put the money in the bank for the LO, I would start making your Christmas special for the two of you. Things that have been special for our kids - special christmas pajamas. Putting them in the car after their bath and their pjs and driving around to look at the Christmas lights. Putting up the tree together. Making a special hot chocolate and snuggling on the sofa. Watching christmas movies - we like a Childs Christmas in Wales - not everyones cup of tea but we have Welsh connections and love it.

I am sending you a big hug. And wishing you a magical Christmas with the family you made for yourself when you had your DD.

I think if you are fuming about " stuff" maybe look at what the underlying meaning is.

Hopefully next year I'll be up for inviting someone new who appreciates it, and we can build our own little Christmas family.

Family doesn't have to be blood. You sound like a really lovely person and they do not deserve your time, effort or money.

I hope you and your little one have a fabulous Christmas and make your own brand of magic

Your child will 100% prefer Christmases just the two of you. She's too young now but if you let this treatment of you continue, she will pick up on it.

This is our first year without any extended family and I cannot bloody wait!

Im here waiting for the families response after your WhatsApp message

Fuck them! Cancel Christmas and let the ingrates stew in their own juices wondering what their gifts from you might have been.

Honestly, it doesn't take money to be generous. In your shoes I would be happy with a carefully selected book from a charity shop, like an old copy of "A Christmas Carol," or a gardening book or whatever you fancy.

Or a packet of pretty floral paper cocktail napkins, or a sack of tulip bulbs, or an old vase from a charity shop, or a little craft/baking kit, or a scarf or old print or a funky little piece of jewelry from a secondhand store.

There are so many small items, vintage items, that could show that the recipient is seen and loved, without an expenditure of money. Hell, I'd be happy for a tree bauble made of the old salt/flour dough that children use, or an empty soup can decorated as a BoHo pencil holder. It's the thought that counts.

We know what their greedy, selfish thoughts are. Cancel or you will be kicking yourself for months to come!

Good decision. Your daughter doesn't need to see her mother treated like shit , and you can have a lovely holiday. Just do the secret santa gift and leave them to it..

After years of giving to my nieces and nephews well-thought-out generous gifts - no thank you's or acknowledgement. Then I had my own kids and when I saw the shit they got (all my siblings are very well off) - absolute crap - clothes too small or way too big that were discounted because they were faulty and looked bloody awful, shit cuddly toys you'd win on those penny grabbers - family game for adults when my kids were 3 years old, crap from the pound shop and one never bothered buying anything. I had had e-fucking-nough. So I said no more, I was done with present buying - my sister cried, said her kids would be gutted and sulked, I didn't care I was too bloody angry - all those years, all that time, energy and money - the shit presents in return - well that said it all.

12 fewer people to buy for, in the end it was a win for me.

Do you ski? Maybe pack yourselves off to a nice snowy ski resort for a week. Not sure how old DD is - but book in for Christmas dinner or lunch at the hotel and do something nice and outdoorsy. If you don't ski, you could learn?