To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

You are the odd one out here, they aren't ever going to change so stop, just bloody stop being such a mug. Do you even need them in your life?

Get rid of all the other gifts, try and get refunds otherwise use them for your friends or keep for bday presents throughout the year etc. Can you use the whisky for your secret santa recipient?

You sound like one of her awful family.

Change your locks, OP. It's very quick and easy to change the lock barrel yourself.

Maybe they could, I don’t know, get jobs?

Indeed. It’s quite bizarre how this poster is hellbent on making excuses for the terrible behaviour of the family. There is always one I suppose!

Not read all the responses, but you sound like a really lovely person who wants the best for their family, you absolutely should not be forgotten. Please return their gifts and treat yourself. Xx

I love how you know OP's family better than she does.

DSis arrived (I opened the door because she has a key and would've let herself in anyway - I know, I probably need to change the locks) and pulled out all the stops - lots of tears, lots of 'it doesn't matter about the presents, we just want to be together' (I know this wouldn't hold up). I almost caved - I'm sure this is why she turned up and not anyone else, because we've always had a stronger bond. But then I asked her how she and family were discussing this if not on the family group, she got a bit shady and then admitted there was another group chat, but I wouldn't want to see what was on there. That helped rebuild my 'do not give a fuck'eryness.

She knows their intentions are toxic. They sent the sister because they thought she could emotionally manipulate OP. If OP thought they were genuinely concerned about being with her and not the presents, she'd be handing them over regardless before the trip. But she's not because she knows.

Just read through all of your posts @Grinch123 - it has actually made me quite emotional thinking of these selfish fuckers asking you for hundreds of pounds of specific gifts, knowing they're going to spring Secret Santa on you when you've already bought everything.

And those saying it's not clear they're still expecting the gifts - errm, you don't send round a crying Flying Monkey to try and guilt that person to still give them, OR even just have a list ready to go of £400+ items if you're not expecting them under any circs!

OP I saw a wonderful thread on Reddit where a DIL decided to drop the rope of always being expected to provide/host with no other contact from the inlaws at any time. She simply started replying "no thank you" when she was asked or told to host/bring/buy whatever.
I think this sentence could come in very handy for you!

Merry Christmas op and DD 🎄

Great work OP on booking your holiday.
As I said up thread I had years of hosting.

I now do a curry party between Christmas and new year. It's mainly for nieces and nephews as my family have passed. I buy children presents, that's it.
It will be interesting this year to see what people bring, usually nothing. I'm on medical leave and haven't had my big salary. They all know.

I would have loved to have taken my DC to lapland. I had poorly parents so never got the option I'll have to wait for DGC now.
Keep strong and if they start arguing the toss tell them you're tired and that's that.

I don’t know. You seem pretty chilled about coming to all sorts of conclusions.

Maybe they should get jobs then 🤷‍♀️

I'm glad you've cancelled and going on holiday instead! Please return the presents (except the Coldplay tickets as you can go and Starbucks you can use) and get your money back. You can use that money for your child seeing as no one else buys her anything!

This is an excellent, well balanced post.

Indeed. But we’d have to know a heck of a lot more to make that conclusion.

Why not ‘throw out there’ some good wishes to the OP, wishing her a fantastic holiday? That seems a better use of time than making excuses for her toxic family.

just send a message “ that’s a great idea! Ok so I just buy one secret Santa for xxx what’s the buget ? £10? Christmas us all about the s being together do looking forward to this!

I need a bit of help this year here are done jobs for the week like secret Santa I’ve pulled names out of a hat
prepping veg - sister 1

wasjing up sister2
taking out bins- brother
dog walking - uncle

@Grinch123 it seems like your siblings are on benefits for no reason at all. You seem to be funding their lifestyle and they’re taking advantage of you and the rest comes from the state. I would return all those expensive presents. From what you’ve been saying they don’t really like you they’re in for the freebies and I guess they also make you feel guilty for earning so much. Had they wanted they would have got a job but they’re really just scroungers.

If you don't have a video door bell, I would get one.
Interesting to see if your family try and enter your home knowing you won't be there!

Enjoy your holiday OP.

For the future, if any mention of Christmas pops up, you might want to say that now your daughter is old enough to enjoy it more you are going to concentrate on having a small family (just the 2 of you) Christmas so they know the good old days are not coming back.

@Grinch123 Very glad to read your updates since last night. First thing I looked for this morning. I agree with others though. Get the locks changed ASAP, and consider getting a ring doorbell, before you go away, so you can check if they try to come round while you are away?

I hope you have a great time with your daughter. If you can be bothered, it would be good to get updates from you as to how things are going over Christmas, but you will need to start a 2nd thread for that, as this one is going to fill up today, I'm pretty certain!

There will be fall out from family, I have no doubt, but stay strong. You are doing the right thing.

If you don't want to start a second thread, I'll just wish you and your daughter, now, a lovely Christmas when it arrives.