To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

@ChicBee You seem pretty invested in this. Replying to almost everyone. Are you sure you are not part of the family? You keep saying you want to offer another perspective. That’s fine, you have done. But the OP and everyone else have offered their perspective too and theirs are just as valid if not more.
One last thing, you mentioned the family have not mentioned presents etc, sometimes things are read between the lines like actions. If you look at their actions, it speaks louder than words.

Ps if you are one of the family, i would change your ways now, you are not coming off well.

@ChicBee if you just want to argue with people and fill threads with lots of short posts (as you seem to be doing on several threads this morning), why not start your own thread?

Hope you have an amazing trip away.
You now have the oppertunity to reset Christmas going forward. Rock and a hard place has a point and perhaps hosting the meal and doing stockings (asking family to take turns with your stocking) and having a secret santa could work or everyone takes turns hosting and you treat everyone to the panto.

Wow, in less than 24 hours you’ve gone from hosting an insanely generous event to sacking it all off for a dream holiday combo. Their heads must be spinning.

It is time to say enough. you cannot find that "movie" Christmas because your family don't know how or don't care in the way you do. It is not your job to fix them.
You have worked hard and owe them nothing. Close the door and your purse because no matter what you do and how much you spend they will always resent you for doing better than them.
Enjoy your Christmas and spend your hard earned money on you.

They're a professional contrarian.

I think you should sell the Lego set via Facebook so all your family can see, and know exactly what they missed out on 😂😂😂 give the money from the sale to charity instead!

One last thing, you mentioned the family have not mentioned presents etc, sometimes things are read between the lines like actions. If you look at their actions, it speaks louder than words.

Exactly, in their heads her hosting Christmas will automatically mean they will get what they know is already under the tree. OP has already stated there’s a video shared recently on the WhatsApp group with her kid dancing in front of the tree with the presents in full view. So they don’t need to outright mention the presents, their desire for her to “host” is code for that.

And for those saying maybe her family didn’t want the glitzy fancy Christmas then why did they send her a list of expensive presents they want such as £400 Lego? And Uggs?

Why did they not offer to host one Christmas themselves and even if they could not afford to pay for everyone, they could have asked for say £30 pp or everyone brings a dish and given their sister a rest from it all .

They kept silent and went along with it because the status quo suited them. I get that they’re young-ish but they’re no
longer children and can clearly be very vocal with their objections when it matters to them!

Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered

Does this sound like people who aren’t comfortable with their sister going on all out for Christmas? They were actively egging her on!

It’s quite simple. The gravy train is coming to an end and they’re now panicking!

You are a strong and brave lady - and an inspiration and amazing role model for your DD.

Just came in with a suggestion and it might be too late but my nephew was really ill after a bone marrow transplant and a huge Lego fan. It was in a big hospital but he was given an amazing Lego set when in over Christmas that had been donated by a charity. If you don’t find anywhere to take it that might be worth a call.

Have a fantastic Christmas - start new traditions and look to the future x

Hope there is space left on this page for me to squeeze in a well done message for OP! It must feel all kinds of uncomfortable but will be for the best in the long run (and actually the short) or you will always be The Provider in the family that everyone takes for granted and abuses your kindness. I bet when you were hosting none of them arrived early to clean, set up, food prep or insisted you sit down while they do the washing up either.

Have a wonderful Christmas with your DD.

Good for you OP. I would return the expensive gifts though rather than give them to charity as the charity will likely get a fraction of what they're worth.

Well done! I hope these selfish lot are learning you are not their doormat! I doubt you will miss them but WE are your family now, consider yourself adopted, oh, and we don't expect presents neither x

@Grinch123 Ooh are they a 7 I’d love that. Hope you have a great break away. Hard decision but needed to be done. Maybe now your siblings may realise they need to work.

merry Christmas x

Amazing work OP! Just a note to agree with the earlier suggestion to get to Magic Kingdom at rope drop on Xmas itself. Yes it's a madhouse but it really is a unique once in a lifetime experience. If you get in early, take in Main Street, the Castle... it's truly magical on Xmas. Can you tell I'm jealous 😂 Have an amazing time!

I’d return the gifts that you’re able to , give some to a charity , keep some smaller gifts to hand out at Christmas.
Next year go on a holiday with a friend , don’t host at all .
I have had gifts of alcohol too ( not at Christmas) and I don’t drink so no thought was put into it whatsoever.
They hand it over to me (this is at coffee time mind you so I’m not likely to be offering a glass at 11am ) a housewarming gift

This thread is going to fill up
soon. I wish you all the best @Grinch123 but if you choose to update us I hope you start another thread after your festive trip!

You’re an amazing person op, really great. I’ll think of you and your dd on Christmas Day and raise a glass to you.
about this:” they're great with her though! She can't understand sarcasm or catty remarks yet).”
It’s key. a lot of people with families like this- mine too- are great with young kids. Then when the thing kids get older - as mine have- the kids become confused and disorientated as their much loved relatives are catty. So then they don’t quite trust their own judgement and learn to lose their boundaries. It’s very complex. Your dd is much better off without them

You’ll have an incredible time. I’ve stayed in all the mods and they’re lovely! We’ve also done one of the cruises before and loved it! Waiting for DD to be older before we do another.

if this was in a few months time I’d buy the Lego off you! I’m sure there will be a refuge or similar that can take it.

Well done, it can’t have been easy but you’ve done the right thing!

I’ve read your thread from start to finish and I’m in awe OP. You are such a strong role model for your DD
Hopefully your actions will make your family reflect on how greedy and selfish they are and bring about some change but if not please stand firm
I spent many years taking crap from a family member until enough became enough
I no longer tread on eggshells or feel controlled and abused . It’s such a liberating experience
I just wish I was strong enough to stand firm over Xmas ( endless gift exchanging that I can’t afford and have tried to stop but with no success) I think maybe you’ve given me to strength to tackle that one next year
Hope you & your DD have a fabulous holiday and wonderful Christmas

Give the presents you have bought for them to a charity for those who get no gifts (local churches probably have access to such charities, or the Salvation Army will know of likely places). Cancel Christmas. Go away somewhere nice and don't see any of them again. Find people who care about you because you have done enough for those who don't.💐

@HPandthelastwish suggestion to tell them you’ll be abroad is good, except I wonder if they would say, “Great, when will you be dropping your house keys off to us?”

Youve been trying to do a lovely thing but I think this is a definite case of throwing pearls before swine.

@Lurkingandlearning the thread has moved on quite a lot since then, OP is off to Disney Florida and a cruise

You're in the 'I can turn this around and make my family be the family of my dreams' phase of toxic family dynamics. You can't. You need to move into the grief phase, where you slowly accept that your family will never give you what you need. On the other side of that is peace and sanity.

OP, you know you have been far too generous to your ungrateful, unloving, undeserving family. Their secret WhatsApp group is the final proof they’re just using you.

It’s not just money they’re draining you of — that hardly matters. It’s your time and effort, your love and care, your energy and commitment. You do so much for them, and it’s wasted really. Direct that energy towards people and causes that bring you joy! DD, your friends, but also whatever good causes (refuges etc) you most wish to help — that can bring a lot of pleasure to you as well as them.

Have a fabulous Christmas with DD. Let the adults in your family know you won’t be subsidising them any more (I know that’s difficult). And from here on, build your ‘family’ around people who return your love. You deserve it.

Well done OP, lovely update to wake up to - happy magical christmas to you and your DD