To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

Blimey OP there must be a good few thousand £s worth of gifts there!
Even if they wanted to do Secret Santa with each other, they could still all get you a little gift.
You won’t be on your own at Christmas. Your DD is a tot right now but as she gets older these people are probably going to be resentful of her.
You are only 32, seriously, you’ve done so well but these people aren’t acting like your family, they are behaving like serious piss takers.
If you said you weren’t providing any gifts this year would they turn up? No. And they aren’t messing about are they expensive designer labels and Coldplay tickets?
They are using you.
I know it’s hard cutting family off but your little girl is your family now. You could still have a lovely Christmas with her, and save your cash for her future.
She won’t miss these occasions.
I can’t believe the CF of someone asking for Coldplay tickets!!!

Your anger is justified because your family take advantage. In your position I would tell family that you've decided to start a new tradition and go someplace nice just with dd, this year and every year. Let them whinge, let them disparage, let them seethe. Go have a blast.

Also, as someone who has mental health issues, although of a different sort, I highly recommend that you get with a good counselor. There is a reason why you do this, and it's not healthy. You need to get to the bottom of why before you will become strong enough to say no to your grabby family and move on.

OP, i agree with those saying don't host and return the presents.

I would absolutely not advise you to be dramatic about it though. It won't help. You won't feel better after.

For secret santa to have been organised they must have all agreed to it. Some have suggested perhaps they want to scale back christmas but don't know how. If that's the case having a strop just makes things worse.

And this they're all vile cheeky cunts then just a breezy "ok! Secret santa presents only, message received" will wind them up something chronic

Say hosting is off this year and that you think it would make more sense to rotate around the family in future. You've done it for ages so you'll look forward to other families taking the lead for the next few years.

Then see if there is some other way you can get your magical Christmas fix - cocktail party in your beautifully decorated home for beloved friends only? No gifts required?

WTF!!!

Your family is still abusing you.

Send them each one mod-price gift, return or donate or enjoy the rest.

Go on holiday this Christmas.

@Grinch123 For fucks sake, you've bought the Apple Airpods, a 400 quid Lego set and Coldplay tickets, and they won't even buy you a token gift?

Seriously, cancel the whole thing. If you can't do that, cancel all the presents, even if it means they get wasted. Promise us right now that nothing bought so far gets gifted to these ungrateful CFs or their kids. Promise now. Right now.

The kids get a present from Amazon, max 20 quid and whoever you pull out for Secret Santa is receiving a Lynx body spray set from Tesco. Do not go half measures on this.

You need to get off the floor so they can stop wiping their feet on you.

Coldplay tickets?????

You need to move away from the idea of a magical Disney Christmas and create one that is magical for you and your daughter.

Eventually she will cop on to how awful your family are.

OR - the new PINK Jaguar! As they have said it's ridiculous to buy adults presents then this must apply to them too. Just give to younger relatives and tell adults you understood they did not want anything - as it's ''ridiculous''!

God lord, you are SO generous. But they are using you, and I doubt they are going to change. Tough as it may seem, maybe this is actually a sort of beneficial Christmas gift - the realisation that you're family are not going to live up to your expectations. (But at the same time, I wish I could somehow put a present in the mail for YOU to put under your tree....you sure deserve it).

OP. I know this is hard but you really need to draw a line under this.

As someone else has suggested I would put in the family WhatsApp that as they want to just do a secret Santa you've returned everything.

I would be prepared for it to be the end of your family christmases but it's clear there's no appreciation for what you do for them.

I agree with lots of what has been said but you do need to look at how you let them take away your power. It’s your choice to buy them all this shit. You do t have to. I can see in some way you’re almost showing off.

Op you sound lovely. But your family don't love you, they love your money.
Agree with everyone else, return/ donate the presents, cancel hosting. And have an amazing Xmas just you and your DD. Dont let her grow up thinking you have to be walked all over by people just because they're family. Teach her she's worth more than that, and so are you. Do not give into these people. They're cheeky fuckers!!!!

Hello! You’ve been incredibly kind and generous and I think the family dynamic of your needs coming last is continuing being lived out. Your family may be having a tough time, and it may be some circumstances are out of their control, but they have also made choices. At the VERY least they can not try undermine you. I think you need to step back from it all. Do not host Christmas and if they try make you feel guilty, remember that their Christmas is not your responsibility. I think you need to start your own Christmas traditions that are for you. Maybe travel somewhere new every year? Or invest in hobby equipment etc on something you enjoy. See friends. Accept your family are not going to give you what you want or deserve. It’s not because of you, it’s because of them. You have achieved so much and are clearly kind and thoughtful too. You deserve so much better and now is the time to give yourself that present. All the best x

OP, ignore the posts saying that you've brought this on yourself and that this is your siblings' way of telling you to stop.

It isn't, it's them taking the piss. If they wanted you to stop they'd have said LAST Christmas that they thought it would be cool to do Secret Santa this year. And they'd be buying gifts for your DD - they could at least club together and get something in a sale.

Do as many posters have suggested, agree that 'adults don't need gifts' (which is bullshit, we all like a nice present to open), and also tell them Christmas at yours has been unavoidably cancelled, this year and forever.

Enjoy the Ferrari. Make sure you get one that can take a child seat so that your DD can enjoy it too.

Cancel the whole thing. Return the gifts (or donate them.)

Buy some things for your DC and something nice from DC to you. Book a nice room in a country house hotel or lovely country pub and go away for Christmas.

The fact this has gone on for so long suggests to me that some therapy would be a good idea.

What do you think they will say when you cancel Xmas/presents, @Grinch123 ?

Sod them. Have an amazing Christmas for you and your daughter, without them. Return or donate any presents you bought that you don't want, and do something that you'll both love rather than sitting around with CFs. Actually, I'd go away for Christmas rather than risk them turning up and spoiling it.

I think in part you are being unreasonable.
You know they don't have any money, you know they never have and won't buy you gifts for any occasion, yet you've still gone and bought them a whole collection of gifts anyway. That's your choice. You can choose to get them no gifts at all.

Your family sound uncaring and selfish, but you cannot buy the family you want to have. All this talk of your life, six-figure salary, spending money on hosting them, gifts, will not change who they are. No one has the movie Christmas, it's fiction, that's why it's in movies.

Learn to accept your family as they are, not as you want them to be. Then decide what effort you want to put into those relationships, if any at all.

Don’t give them their presents. Just buy a secret Santa present worth a similar amount to the one you got. I’d also cancel and do another Christmas. They sound awful.

They sound absolutely horrible. Please stop enabling their terrible selfish behaviour. I understand that you are trying to create a magical Christmas but they really don't deserve the efforts you are making.

Return the expensive gifts, drop them all off a chocolate orange and tell them you and DD are going abroad for Christmas. And please, please do get therapy. You deserve so much more than this.

Cancel everything 100%.

Get refunds for what you've bought. Keep for deserving people if you can't.

They aren't even smart enough to pretend how they are being. Do not give in.

Christmas for adults is not about gifts its about time with each other. Do you think you are trying to recreate the christmas you never had, by throwing so much cash and thought at it, but in reality the other adults just don't share the same sentiment.
I would still host if I were you, but make this the last one that you buy everyone gifts. I have no idea why you feel you have to be santa clause to your whole adult family, but it seems you decided to do it and they are gladly recieving the gifts but just dont feel the same as you in the need to buy the gifts.

Do you think maybe that buying a everyone expensive gifts then calling them up and asking them to buy you something to unwrap is a bit of an odd thing to do? I think you are lovely, doing it from the heart but not everyone feels the same about adult gifting and maybe they feel imposed upon and potentially embarressed. Try and take a step back and think how you can scale back christmas, make it inclusive for those with minimal incomes and focus on the time spent together and not trying to recreate an 80s movie christmas which is your fantasy, not necessarily theirs.

Alternatively, have christmas with friends next year, or on a beach :) Good luck op with your christmas.

If the Lego set is one that is in demand you can probably sell it for more than you paid for it.

Definitely let your family know that you will be taking part in the secret Santa and have returned/sold their gifts. After all they say that adults shouldn't expect gifts so they can't complain. I would also cancel the hosting and find somewhere nice for your DD and you to either go or do.

It's not so much you are being taken for granted, but that they are mean and rude to you. Your DD really shouldn't be exposed to that. It is also likely to be directed at her as she gets older, when someone is a scapegoat it tends to continue down the generations of a family.

i much prefer secret Santa but it has to be agreed months in advance to avoid the normal Christmas shop.

OH MY GOD! This is unbelievable.

You MUST stop it.

In this order:
Send back/ sell gifts.
Buy one crappy secret Santa present and post it.
Book fab holiday over Christmas you and DD, Lapland, carribean with money saved.
Inform family breezily that this is the new plan.
Any objections you reply “don’t be ridiculous, fully grown adults don’t need a full turkey dinner/ Lego set/ uggs/ etc”.

Last year was my first since my marriage ended. I absolutely did buy myself stuff. I wrote to me from me with a little note on to give me a boost.