To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

@Grinch123 Do you have any close friends who know the full background surrounding your family dynamics or someone you could confide in, if they don’t already know? I’ve been in the situation of justifying ridiculous and mad behaviour because ‘they’re family’ and it really helps when you have somebody outside of the situation to help you see straight. Sometimes I’ll be telling DH a story about something a family member said/did and the horror on his face helps me remind myself that it’s not normal.

“Family also definitely know I've brought them gifts already.”

that doesn’t mean they have to receive them

get yourself and your child to Finland!
these freeloaders can get to fuck

i will disclaim this by saying I’ve never been to Finland. But it looks lush

Cancel today while you're in the mood and before you back down. Then find a holiday for you and DD. And enjoy your new coat, uggs and the rest.

Oh OP a ‘tiny Christmas’ can still be special and magical and I guarantee your DD will treasure those times spent with you rather than a bunch of using free loaders!

Christmas very much ignites the need for attachment and connection and it’s understandable what you are trying to create, but I think your efforts are best spent focused on you and your daughter. You could still incorporate friends in the days around Christmas. But I think having your own traditions with your DD will be special.

I agree with the boundaries and therapy suggestions. I’m sorry you didn’t get the family you deserve.

Part of me wonders if it's become a family joke - yeah let's send X a list of ridiculous presents because she always goes stupidly over the top trying to chase 'the dream Christmas' and see how far she'll take it because they think she likes to flaunt her wealth at them. Not actually necessarily expecting it to happen.

It's got to a point of embarrassment and someone has finally said, hmm no this is too much and said no we don't need presents, to give everyone an exit from it.

The fact that 'the adults done need presents' has been said and it's been said that they don't want to look tight to your daughter, does make me wonder if it's simply piss taking. If it was, why the sudden wind back?

Exactly 👆

Awh, OP.

You all had the same upbringing and chances in life.
You must not feel guilty for doing well (no doubt you worked your arse off to get there)
They now see you as the cash cow and are rinsing you.
They think you are loaded and that you can well afford it and it doesn't cost you much.
They have zero manners, respect or appreciation.
You cannot compensate for the downfalling of others, it's impossible.

You are hosting them, feeding them and buying huge expensive presents and are getting zero thanks or acknowledgement.

I would park the presents - everyone gets a selection box instead - given that's more than they get you.

Treat yourself, treat your daughter but this stops this year. Next year, max spend on everyone is a tenner.

Op
I'm so so sorry for your shit family.
I think you are doing this more now than ever for you dd.
The best gift you can give her in life is a happy ,confident,strong mum who doesn't let people walk all over her and by default,your dd.
Say something has come up and you can't host anymore and book you and your dd into a great family friendly hotel for Christmas like The Grove in Watford or similar with kid friendly activities and pampering for you and spoil yourself and your girl.

Book something lovely whilst you're in this mood so you can't cancel, then let them know you'll be spending Christmas away as a family of 2. Your relationship with the family sounds very transactional and life is just too short for this kind of shit.

there are digs throughout the year if they don't turn up under the tree

They sound just vile-who treats their family like this?!

I’m sorry you have a really horrible set of extended family. Please don’t let your daughter think this is normal!

Are you going to cancel, @Grinch123 and how/when?! I think you will find it cathartic,

Oh and enjoy Coldplay 😉

These are incredibly generous gifts, off the scale !

I'm joining others in saying return the things you don't want and use this money to get some decent therapy to help you extricate yourself from this family.

You have made something of yourself and should feel immensely proud of that fact. You don't owe your family expensive gifts, nor the bailing them out which you sort of slipped in under the wire there. So it's time to stop. Think there's a couple of options -

1 Yes the nuclear option - cancel everything- no hosting, no presents, no bailings out EVER again

2 Blitz option - OK so it's a bit late in the day to bring in the secret santa, however you're a good person, so you could agree. Send back, all but one of the gifts. You could still host if you want, but pull it back - so they only come for Christmas day, much less booze, much less food, definitely not for a week. God even the best guests go off after 3 days (guests and fish!)

3 Doormat option - go ahead as usual. Change nothing and fuel this nasty cycle of resentment.

I personally would go nuclear - but that's just my personality

As to what you would do with your Christmas - well the world is your oyster - somewhere warm, somewhere snowy, northern lights, activity holiday or soaking up the sun . It sounds like you have a week off at least so hop on the internet or travel agent of your choice and find something as a treat for you.

Merry Christmas and here's to an appreciative 2025! [fireworks]

That's it! The new acronym
BAFF
(I've never used a LTB)
you've nailed it
BAFF
🚘🚘🚘🚘🚘🤩🤩🤩🤩

Beats - cancel the cheque!

Return, sell, donate!

People treat you how you allow/teach them to. You sound wonderful and I wish we could exchange gifts instead - I am ignored my by family too. Reciprocity has become really important to me as I've gotten older - treat yourself more kindly!

OP, I am a single parent too and my Christmas might not have massive family meet up every year depending if my family can come over from abroad, however I go full on mode. House is decked from top to bottom. I organise plenty of christmas activities throughout decemeber. I organise friends before xmas for Xmas craft or cookie baking / decorating. My DC have amazing time. Trust me you don't need leaches in your life to have amazing time! You are your DCs family and as much as its lovely to have bigger family, yours will cause more damage than good over the years ! Cut off and enjoy your little unit and save the money for your child's future

I am hoping so.
Return everything, buy something for yourself and sod the lot of them.

Whaddya mean, if?! Please tell me you aren’t serious about continuing to fund huge expensive presents? You truly are in the FOG. For your sake and for that of your dd, you really need to climb out of this. Return what you can, do the Secret Santa only. It is not your job to fund an expensive Christmas for people who could but don’t work (siblings). It’s disgraceful that they tell you want they expect. Genuinely, take your dd somewhere lovely instead. You’re showing her that money makes people happy and training her to do the same thing. I’m appalled they don’t bother buying for her, what horrible ungrateful grabby tossers. They have a whole year to save/club together.

Extra points if OP buys the Ferrari, sends the fuck off message and then follows-up with a picture of the car captioned "With all the money I've saved I've decided to treat myself"....

You can't buy their love OP
Cancel and invest in some counselling to help you break free from these horrors

Listen to @LaurieFairyCake
Uncle Albert bought the whisky for himself.

You need to move on from. they’ll never be who you want them to be. Get some intensive therapy. Build up massive boundaries and find people who are worth your time and effort

Honestly take them at their word adults don’t need presents. I’d return what you can, definitely use the concert tickets and gift cards yourself and donate the rest to charity. I know that the Salvation Army struggle with gifts for teens and I’m sure they would appreciate perfume and aftershave.
Id still have them over for Christmas and watch the shit show unfold and I’m sure they will show their true colours. If they behave like a bunch of ungrateful grabby twats like I think they will, kick them out and never look back or feel guilty.
Remember you’re not responsible for other grown adults, after all you had the same shitty childhood and you managed to do well so they could have too.

A 'way out' option for you is to send a message along the lines of 'So pleased that DB has suggested a secret santa - it was getting a bit out of hand after all - please let me know who I'm buying for and I will sort that out (and send something equally inappropriate). Return gifts or send them to a charity. Find alternative things to do at Christmas and let them know you're not hosting - don't think that you need a big 'family' Christmas to make it good - for many years Christmas Day was a bit of a chore as we had to visit my grandmother in her (originally extremely cold) house and put up with very peculiar things to eat - we generally had a better day on Boxing day when we ate food that we actually wanted to that was cooked properly in a house that wasn't arctic. However, the things I remember from my childhood that were magical were things to go to like special services in Church (there's usually a crib service that is very welcoming at your local church), bellringing and meeting up with the ringers to celebrate, walking with our dog with tinsel on her collar and wishing everyone Happy Christmas etc etc, opening my stocking on Christmas morning and eating something whilst in bed - something that never normally happened! So don't think that you have to do the big gifts - look to do things with your child that create your own memories to cherish. But of course you might want to go away and this might solve all of the problems!

In the nicest possible way. They repeatedly show you who they are, you have got to believe them now.
Spend the day with your child who loves you for who you are and let these ungrateful waste of spaces spend the day somewhere else. You owe them nothing. Show your child that you are strong enough to remove the shitty people from your life and that you deserve so much more. ♥️