To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

OP, others have said it already, but you deserve so much better than this. An some point abusive upbringings/MH issues aren't a catch-all excuse for being utter selfish twats.

The fact they can't even be bothered to buy something small for your DD, their grandchild/niece, while having the barefaced cheek to request £400 presents says it all.

She also deserves better than this. Honestly, kids don't 'need' a big extended family disney christmas. Spend the money doing special things with her, meeting up with friends over the christmas period or even going away just the two of you instead. Equally magical. Otherwise as she grows up she'll become aware of the way they treat you and start thinking it's okay. As you get older, presumably she will be the 'rich' one in the family and their expectations will get pushed onto her, which I assume you don't want. Better a small family that love and respect each other than a large family gathering that is ultimately fake, and 'bought' by you spending money on them and not rocking the boat.

Go ahead with the day but get rid of all the gifts except the one small thing for your secret santa. If you’re being told that adults don’t need gifts, then adults don’t get gifts.

You are a very kind and generous person. But people are very strange, even though you give them what they've asked for, and they expect this of you, it actually does not make them appreciate you, quite the opposite in fact. The more you give, the more they want, and ironically at the same time the more their resentment and jealousy of you grows.
One would think people are grateful, but it seems a lot of people resent it instead and will never be satisfied. They are treating you like a cash cow. Enjoy Christmas with your daughter, make new Christmas traditions for the two of you.

It is so much worse now I know you have a child! You can have the most magical Christmas just the two of you. She does not need to around family who do not love and respect you.
I have been absolutely gobsmacked at their sheer cheek to expect all this from you but not even buy your dd a present. It is not the money or gifts for me, just the absolute lack of thought or consideration from your family.
Listen to all the voices on here and end it all now!

I would take back what you can and get refunds.
If you still have to host literally do the bare minimum of a secret Santa gift and that is it. These people are taking advantage and you deserve better

Christmas just the two of you could be really magical! Honestly I'd start that as soon as you can. Take your daughter out and get her to choose a gift for you. Even if she can't really choose yet. I used to do this when DS was tiny and I was a single parent. I'd pick two pairs of earrings for example and as DS to choose one. It will set your little girl up to enjoy getting you something in the future. Then you can do Christmas however you like.

If you make it special just two of you now you'll be saving your DD from realising her relatives can't really be arsed to get her anything in the future...

Also return all presents for adults you've bought and tell everyone you will be going away next year (or preferably this) and fund that with the money you would have spend. Gift vouchers for family kids from now and a low amount.

Omg @Grinch123 I've just seen you're a single parent and they expect you to pay for gifts for your child from them? No that's too much. Please please cut this bunch of grifters off right now and let them learn a harsh lesson about greed. I'm speechless!

This - they’ve decided it’s secret Santa so it’s one gift from you to whoever is yours to buy for - max £30. Keep the rest for yourself or return for refunds. Remove them all from under the tree now and deal with them so if one of them visits before Christmas they will see what you’ve done. Practise your cheery explanation re. Following the Secret Santa plan! Time to stop being used! Your money is for you and your DC plus small gifts to family and whatever you give to charity. You will never get their genuine thanks by the look of it - they just want more. Time to stop - and brother saying let’s do secret Santa is your golden opportunity!

They don’t buy a present for your DD!!!??? This has made me so so so angry. I can’t believe they’re asking for designer this and that, £400 Lego!!! And they don’t have the common decency to even get your child, their DN/DGD a £10 something! They’re are the worst of the worst. They could not be less deserving of these expensive gifts. You sound like such a kind generous soul and my heart breaks that you’re essentially trying to buy their love. They are vile. Please do not back down. Put an end to this madness! All you need is your DD. Keep that money for you and her. She is your priority. Not these nasty free loaders that are taking complete advantage. Honestly my jaw is on the floor.

Bloody hell you and your child could go to Iceland or Finland or whatever and do the snow/christmas stuff

get rid of these ruinous filthy freeloaders

Please don’t give the gifts, keep the tickets, return what you can. They will treat you like a doormat until you stand up to them. It is not a ‘you’ problem, it is their issue. They will try to reverse, but you need to break it before you can fix it.

Dear Freeloaders,

I have gone out of my way every year to try and give everyone a wonderful Christmas. I am fortunate that I have been able to afford to do this, and I wanted to share this with you all as my family.

Over the years it's become blindingly obvious that every single one of you just views me as a walking wallet. You make nasty comments about my income - which really stings when you are opening the expensive gifts you've requested from me. Nobody says thank you. Nobody offers to help.

Well it stops now. The walking wallet has closed up shop and walked off. I will not be hosting Christmas this year, or in any other year. You can sort it out between yourselves. I'll be returning the gifts I have bought and using the money to do something nice for me and DD. I know none of you will be out of pocket because you never buy anything for me or DD anyway.

I wish you all the Christmas you deserve. No reply is necessary - I am not interested in excuses and moaning.

Grinch123

They sound like they are just using you to get free stuff, and have no gratitude at all. Even on benefits someone can at least show gratitude or do something thoughtful and considerate.

It's outrageous that after everyone has asked for all these expensive things they then decide to do secret santa! If adults don't need presents, nor do they.

I'd return or charity shop everything that was for an adult and just do the secret santa.

Then next year go on holiday instead.

Thanks all! I feel justified in my rage. I was properly second guessing if I was even right 😂

Just to address a few things that have come up multiple times (didn't expect thread to blow up, can't reply to you all but am reading it all 💜) :

Family absolutely expect it to be OTT and expensive gifts. To start with I admittedly encouraged it (when siblings were teens and I wanted them to be able to keep up with their peers at school) and took them shopping/introduced them to brands etc. But now there are regular requests, or 'hints' about what they want, and there are digs throughout the year if they don't turn up under the tree. Yes I should have dealt with it at the time but didn't, because arguments escalate quickly in my family and - if we haven't established yet - I have issues and want my family to act like a family 😂 Family also definitely know I've brought them gifts already.

I'm good at dodging any criticism by just doing what they want/expect. Clearly this was wrong, but the Christmases we've had have been pretty magical! I've just been on a bit of a tightrope 😅 Just in case I've made the illusion of them being a bit crap, generally everyone does behave and is happy! It just takes effort. (Just effort I'm no longer interested in putting in)

@Grinch123 If i was you, I would be removing every single gift under the tree and then only partake of the secret santa!! as for christmas day dinner, have you actually invited them or have they just expected you to be doing the hosting as usual? do not invite them next year, I honestly think I would prefer sitting in my own house in my own company than being taken for a ride by your free loading family!! take the gifts to the homeless unit for distribution!

Keep the Lego. That used to be my favourite bit of Christmas when my kids were small. If I had spare money now I’d buy myself a kit for Christmas.

And sod the lot of them. You will make Christmas magical for your child.

Give gifts to food bank
Say secret Santa absolutely
Also say this year everyone contributed to meal. You will do turkey, spuds and peas. Then send a list of other things they can put their names by.
If not many turn up there are a variety of things you can do with extra of those things.
Also make it about activities not what you can buy. That should reduce the gulf between them and you

Reply … great thanks for letting me know. Let me know who ai have got in Secret Santa and family budget.
great timing to let me know as I can return everything no issue!

I'm sorry OP they sound rotten - coal in their stocking? I suspect your not about the value of their gifts - a well thought out personalised Etsy pen or something?
Please don't let yourself go through this.

OP please think about why you think DD having a tiny Christmas with an amazing loving mum is not as good as a big family gathering where her mum is treated badly by everyone else there, and bank rolls it.

You are worth more than this and you and your DD can have amazing Christmases together! Please ditch the horrible freeloaders. I am astonished by what they are asking you to buy them. Truly grabby.

Yes it takes effort, from you. What effort do they put in?

Movies and adverts are not real life.

Not everyone is having an massive extended family Christmas.

You are not depriving your child of anything important if you have Christmas just the two of you.

What you are showing her is to have self-respect and not to be walked all over by people, even if they are related to you. Imagine in twenty years time, she is telling you about her boyfriend's family treating her like your family behave? You would tell her not to stand for it and that they were rude and unreasonable!

The two of you can carve out your own Christmas traditions - perhaps you go to Lapland? Or to the beach?
Or you could arrange to call on some friends briefly and deliver a gift to them (like a reverse trick or treat) with your daughter dressed up as Santa/elf/rtc- obvs brief them in advance, but you could arrange for them to give your daughter a "clue" on a special Christmas treasure hunt that takes you from one friend to another to back home?

All of these things are Xmas magic too. It doesn't have to be 20 people related by blood round a table in cracker hats to be special.

You've made an incredibly successful life for yourself so WELL DONE!

Cancel it, return the gifts (or sell them). And go away somewhere lovely just you and DD.

Please please consider how your daughters going to feel as she gets older and your freeloading family come every year making comments about you. Acting like you’re stuck up while eating and drinking for free. She might enjoy a big family Christmas but she will eventually pick up on their jealousy and distain. Stop now. And do not give them those presents, they chose to do secret Santa. You should send a message now and make it clear you will only be buying for the family member picked. Before you calm down and change your mind

Agree. Keep the present for the person you’ve got for secret Santa and return/donate the rest.

We do secret Santa in my family, but it’s something we all agreed to. It’s very late in the day to be deciding this.

It's rubbish to not feel valued. They’ve shot themselves in the foot though as you’d have been happy with a box of chocs from someone you gave AirPods to! I hope the cheeky beggars aren’t assuming you’ll still give them their presents!