To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

You need to tell them that you are truly sick.of them showing you no love and you are therefore not hosting Christmas and all gifts bought are going to charity.

Book a holiday!

This is so shocking OP! You sound kind and generous and they are taking advantage of that. Heaven knows what they say behind your back. Get angry and cancel Xmas. My mum is like you and me and my sister have grown up actually frustrated and angry for her. But we cannot change her behaviour or how they treat her because it is so ingrained and ‘it’s family’. Not it’s bloody not!

don’t let your daughter think this is normal or like me and DSis so frustrated cos we see them for what they are and it’s horrible to see your mum treated like this! They are vile people.

Dude they're absolutely taking the piss and you're letting them.

Seriously, if you give them their gifts while you sit with nothing, while they eat and drink at your expense you'll feel more than crushed at the end of it.

Tell them it's off and they'll have to make other arrangements. Do yourself a kindness and just stop.

@Grinch123
"You're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts" was the response given by your sibling. There's your answer, staring you in the face.
Return the items or give away to friends/charity. Do not give to the ungrateful twats in your family.

I now see you have a child!
max out her junior isa (or whatever kids can have these days)
don’t spend any more on the freeloading cunts
even if you earn a giant salary, get that money working towards your dd’s future. Not wasted on freeloader.
the future can be very very very expensive
i have a dc at uni - don’t underestimate those costs.

no more money for freeloaders.
sort you and your dd

I am trying to see this from your family’s side, they don’t have any money and you are completely over the top with gifts. Buying things ‘from them’ and overspending, they are trying to tell you to stop. I know you want it to be lovely but there is more to Christmas than stuff and when things are this unbalanced it eventually leads to resentment.

This!

Merry Christmas @Grinch123 ! 🥰

                  🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄

My God. Cancel it. 100%. The greedy grabby bastards. Return the gifts or regift or donate. I'd buy myself whatever I wanted and food and drink of my choice and just have a lovely time without them. You've been an absolute mug, I mean that kindly, you are obviously a wonderful, kind and generous person. They don't deserve you. Cut yourself loose and let them pay for their own fucking Christmas.

There's a certain amount of love being equated with gifts by you and then seeing you well off and thinking it's unfair and how you should share because they don't like wealthy people because they don't have it.

They have a 'all rich people are bastard's mentality whilst you are desperate to be loved. And the resulting mix is somewhat not good. No one actually likes the other for it.

Why you have got to the point of buying such ridiculous gifts I have no idea at all. It's not normal. Normal people don't do that.

Movie Christmas isn't really very great not a good thing to aspire to. It's consumerism and gluttony rather than appreciation and the right gift.

In practice it just results in ungrateful kids and adults and often with a whole load of tat.

The 'perfect' Christmas realistically should be a number of small gifts and are really wanted or needed. That's it.

You've really got out of hand, and I'd really look at the why on it.

'Perfect Christmases' don't exist. I think a lot of people spend a whole lot of time and effort chasing it. Don't.

Step back. Scale back on the meal. Go for a big meal but with a few less trimming to keep it sane and less work. Keep the fabs and keep pudding simpler. Go for less stress and everyone ends up happier than they might have been in trying to achieve a mythical Christmas.

I think it's almost like an addict trying to recapture a high - you can't do it. Lower the bar.

Your expectations of them are also unrealistic. They aren't going to spend time getting you something amazing. It's not them. And they haven't got the money to get much more anyway.

You are always going to end up disappointed with this scenario.

You've been given the opportunity to wind it all down. So take it.

And cancel the hosting as well. Permanently.

They only want to do secret santa for their own buying, but have given lists of what they want her to buy!

WHAT???

They won't buy your daughter a birthday present because they don't want her to think they're cheap, so they buy nothing instead, and you buy her things but pretend they are from them? This is honestly insane

Little kids like wrapping paper and toilet roll middles. A sheet of stickers from B&M. Some printed Christmas pictures to colour in. Why are you letting them get away with making zero effort while you go over the top for them?

Tell them all to fuck off. Take your daughter to Lapland.

Tbh I would return all their presents and just say you thought it was secret Santa only. buy for the kids if you wish

Then I would also tell them this is the last year you are hosting and don’t host any more. The fact they don’t have money is irrelevant, it’s the mocking that would annoy me, there is no need for it, and surely they can save up during the year for a small box of chocsn

Crikey. What a list. How vulgar and mercenary of them to ask for these things. You are funding this bunch of grifters’ wannabe lifestyle. Sell, refund or donate these gifts and have a simple Christmas with your daughter.

Op...book a holiday over the Christmas period so you not at home and buy yourself some presents you want. Return all the other presents. Have a Christmas you want. Don't like these users ruin it. It wasn't about the presents but family showing you they care.

I'm so upset for you reading this OP. Please keep reading and re- reading this thread if you're tempted to bury your feelings and go ahead. It's good this has happened while your dd is tiny so she won't bear witness to her mum being treated like this. Short sharp shock for them all- Christmas is cancelled. They need this lesson. Stay strong!

They’re sending her links to the presents they want!

They’re blood sucking parasites. Send it all back and book to go away for the Christmas week with DD. Tell them you’re not hosting this year, maybe tell them on Christmas Eve, and when they disregard the message and turn up anyway they will find an unlit, locked up house. You’re a cash cow OP, they don’t give a monkeys beyond what they can get.

But they have sent her lists of expensive stuff they want her to buy them!

And start a pension fund for your child if you haven't already (can be started from birth)

They are asking her for these things so I don’t think they are feeling uncomfortable about it!

Any of those lovely gifts you can’t get a refund on, offer them to a care home or school or local organisation for their Christmas raffle! £400 Lego set for a star prize! Uggs! Wow I would buy extra tickets
for those.
I would still do the Christmas but not have the gifts, and if they ask, we are not doing gifts. Spoil your DC but don’t pretend the family get her gifts. It will upset her when she is older to realise they didn’t care and they were lied to!

Enjoy Coldplay, I missed out on tickets for that. Go and have fun.

Fucking Hell. They sound like a shower of bastards. Don't back down and give them the presents.

Just seen your update, I didn't realise you had a dd too.
Honestly if you take her away for Xmas she'll have such a fuss made of her. You'll have some adult company too if you want it.
She's better off being nowhere near them.

If they’ve said adults don’t need gifts then you don’t need to buy them anything.
I’d Send it all back

As an aside if they are strapped for cash why are they wasting it on expensive coffee shops. Oh I know….because it’s your money OP