To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

I'm so sorry op. They sound awful.
I agree with all the posts. Do something lovely for yourself this Christmas. Use the Costa/ star bucks gift cards for your coffee / tea.
Move on and don't spoil them anymore.

I think you are trying to conjure up the magic of Christmas that you never had as a child. I get it completely but it only works if those you spend Christmas with reciprocate. Your family clearly don't and I'd say they feel just as baffled as you but for totally different reasons. Probably too late for this Christmas, but have a careful think about what really gives you joy, massively downscale what you are offering and and do things differently next year

They have said: “you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts,”

Your answer, @Grinch123: “You are SO right - I’ve returned all the gifts I had bought for you ungrateful lot, and I won’t be hosting Christmas - toddle pip!”

Honestly - they sound like cheeky fuckers, users and greedy gits - bin them all off and treat yourself to all the luxuries this Christmas.

Oh and definitely keep the Coldplay tickets. Chris Martin would want you to.

Awful behaviour from them. They are completely taking advantage of your good nature.

I'd send it back/ keep it / give to charity.

Are they likely to kick off on the day?

Do you have other family (partner / kids?) to share the day with?

Holy crap, that list of gifts is insane. I don't ask for stuff that expensive from my husband and he could afford it.

They're taking you for a ride, return it all, buy 1 small gift for your secret Santa recipient and join in with what they are doing at the level they have set IF you still want to do Xmas day. If you don't want to do Xmas day then return the lot still and cancel them.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything

Are you actually going to do this?

Nope

😬 I'm very good at getting mad and upset when I'm alone, and then 'coming back round' to the idea of whatever it was in the first place after a few hours. I need to make sure I don't do that this time!

Yes, do this.
Then suggest they host.

Ps OP there’s nothing wrong with wanting to spend Christmas with family, but I think you maybe need to redefine what family is. What you really mean is people who love and care about you and that can be friends or a partner or just a pet - it doesn’t need to be people related to you. I hope you manage to spend more time with people who will treat you as you deserve.

How old are you, OP?

Do you have a partner or DC of your own? Anyone else to spend Christmas with?

What was Christmas like for you as a child? You've moved on, been exposed to other ways of doing things. Have they?

Go nuclear and keep all of it. Or send it to me.

Do not stop being angry with them.
They're taking advantage.

I don’t think you should be angry with them, you should be listening to what they are telling you. Stop!

Tell them no more. Just do it tonight. If you wobble come back to this thread. They do not value you just the gifts you give them.

I wonder if they've escalated with the mad gifts in the hope you're going to say "Enough!"

You can't buy the family you wished you had. Tell them all the week before Xmas that you have Covid and it's cancelled and don't give them any gifts. And don't ever invite them again.

WHAT.THE.FUCK

OP here is your solution:

1. book yourself the entire week or two in [nice place where rich people do Christmas - sorry don’t know where that is!]

2. return everything returnable

3. eBay anything not returnable or put in charity shop

4. message family WhatsApp saying - change of plans, I’m abroad over Christmas so can’t host this year and don’t worry about me for the secret Santa. Have a nice Christmas.

even if you earn 6 figures, let’s say 300k, that’s a take home of £170k. This should be going towards your future - housing (presumably not cheap anywhere), ISA to the full allowance for your future, bills etc etc etc. these fucking freeloaders don’t deserve a penny or for you to be their slave host. What the fuck is wrong with people who can’t buy you a box of chocs for hosting and spending £££££ on their greedy asses. What a bunch of total cunts. And 4 of these grown ass adults permanently scrounging off the state instead of working at all.

You are nothing to these CF but an ATM. Give the gifts to charity. Go on holiday, make new friends who want the kind of Christmas you dream of.
You owe these people nothing at all. NOTHING. it really isn't going to change. It's sad (but understandable) that you live in hope of this year being different.
If you enjoy giving gifts get involved with a charity next year. There are loads where people give a wish you could buy for those.
Please don't give into these CF.

Will you be my sister! 😅 you sound so lovely and they are taking advantage of you.

This!!

This is an outrageous list

I agree @LaurieFairyCake nailed it.

But if you somehow still host remove all gifts or relabel them as suggested upthread.

Im sorry they are such users. This is not your fault and say everything about them andnothing about you

Take all those gifts back and buy yourself something lovely.

Who asks for a £400 Lego?!

They sounds awful and completely ungrateful but to a degree you have created this situation for yourself. They have obviously been ungrateful for years yet you’ve let your gift buying spiral to this point.
You can either let them continue to take the piss out of you or you can let this year be where you draw the line.
Send a text to the family group and say ‘just letting you guys know that since we are going secret Santa this year I return the gifts you all requested so if there was anything you particularly wanted you might want to pick it up yourself now. Let me know who I got in secret Santa’ - whoever you get, give them the whisky!