To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

Aside from your awesomeness at dealing with your family, I'm just sittting here in awe of your organisation skills. Clearly rocking it in your job and as a single mother, you've managed to be so organised about Christmas, whereas I (working part time, with older kids) have only vaguely wondered where I stored last year's unused Christmas cards and wrapping paper.
Hope your Disney trip is fabulous

Yes!!!

OP I think this is the best thread I HAVE EVER READ on Mumsnet.

Fuck your horrible family, I am absolutely thrilled you are going for such a wonderful trip with your DD.

FWIW I've travelled for the last 10 christmases for similar reasons just me, DD and DH and it is absolutely the best thing ever.

Please report back with some fabulous updates!!!

Ah well done OP. It sounds like you've all been affected in different ways by your challenging upbringing. As you're 32 and the eldest, personally I would keep the door open to your siblings (emotionally, absolutely not in the sense of open invitation to your house!) as they may do a bit of reflecting and changing in their late 20s. So far it sounds like you've fallen into a pattern of trying to fix things and pandering to unreasonableness, so it will be tough while you reset the boundaries especially if there's bitterness about your finances, but it would be lovely if you and (even just some of) your family members are able to work towards a new type of relationship! Its important for you to remember that being a kind and supportive sibling doesn't mean doing everything they want, but would actually mean setting some boundaries and calling them out on unreasonable behaviour.

Well done OP. What a great role model you are for your daughter. Have a magical Christmas and holiday. Hopefully no need to go full NC with your family but probably time for a reset of the dynamics.

They waited till they knew OP had done all her shopping before suggesting Secret Santa. You can bet their thinking is that she will give them the stuff anyway.

@Grinch123 You sound lovely. I'm so sorry about your family. Return what you can and either just do Secret Santa (using the whisky as your gift to whoever you get) if you still want them there for Christmas, or make yourself a new tradition and go away/ have a quiet one without them.
I wish you were my friend, and if you were my friend, I'd have you and your dc over for Christmas Day every year without a doubt.

I love hosting Christmas and I used to do the same for a friend whilst she was a single parent (she was from Europe so no family nearby), but she has a dp now, so they do their own thing.

I didn't like to think of them alone over Christmas, and if ever there's a time to be thoughtful and share your home/ time/ good fortune, it is at Christmas. Plus, the more the merrier, and like you, I didn't expect anything in return, I just wanted them to have good memories.
They'd come over late morning after main gifts, but before stockings, so I'd buy her dc things for under the tree, so they had a little sack of things to open at the same time as my dc had their stockings.
I'd also buy my friend something for under the tree, but unlike your family, she would always get us a little gift each in return. She knew it was the thought, not the cost, that counts, which is how we've always been.

You sound very similar to me, and it's hard when the care/ thought isn't reciprocated. And that's what hurts, it's about the thought being there, not what they've spent on you.

Hope you still have a wonderful Christmas 🎄 😊

I think you're misreading the family.

It won't have occurred to them that they wouldn't still get their presents from OP. They don't view her in the same way as the rest of the family. I suspect that it was thought that the rest of them would do secret santa but that OP wouldn't be included and, like every other Christmas, wouldn't get a present at all.

Here to wish you and your daughter a fabulous and fantastic Christmas, you deserve it.👏👏👏💐

Also as a pp posted earlier, think about Christmas in Lapland for next year. It is unbelievably magical for children, and another amazing memory for you both.
Plus, it puts a stop to any attempts by your 'family' for their subsidised Christmas next year.

Because it's all massively backfired! They are busily discussing on the secret WhatsApp and deciding what to do next.

They've talked about the wrapped presents, speculating which ones they've asked for. It's just not consistent with assuming they're not going to receive them, particularly when you put it together with their behaviour previously.

All too often I hear of women’s people-pleasing being used against them to the point where they think that’s all they have going for them, so they choose to remain stuck in a holding pattern of behaviour that they resent and their “loved ones” utilize. Your family have sure done a number on you for such a long time and you have come out blazing! I’m so proud of you!
I’m disgusted that there is a second family chat group that excludes you - I imagine it’s all about lists of gifts and how easily buttered-up you are were. Horrible, horrible people.
You sound amazing and they don’t deserve you. You and your daughter are going to have a magical, fulfilling life without these barnacles weighing you down.

You've worked for what you've got and you are not their keeper, their bank, their gifting service. Stop now! Cancel Christmas, send back all the gifts, cash in what you can and say it stops, as you are not there to service their lack of drive, consideration, care in their lives. We all have choice and some of us less than others, but we can choose to go off down a different path and showing some consideration really costs nothing more than effort, something that none of them seems to want to put in.

I had someone in my family who truly believed that I was there to sort out the shit they caused, put my hand in my pocket when he blew the not inconsiderable money he had, fund their lifestyle, and it stopped one day when he pushed the wrong button and I have never, ever, regretted it since.

They obviously think of you in exactly the same whether you treat them well or badly, so save your money, save your time, your sanity and use your hard earned money for you and tell them to take -

A very long run, off a very short pier - and they you will, as one last gesture, fund the bus fare to enable them to get there!!

That helped rebuild my 'do not give a fuck'eryness. She then cried about not wanting to spend time with family and tried to invite herself along with us on our festive trip 😂 I said no.

I loved how your sister was ready to “ditch” the rest of the family as long as she could go with you 😂 seriously though - amazing updates. Your trip sounds incredible and I’m glad you’re getting your locks change. I’ve had a few friends abuse my generosity and the fact I earn more than them and when the penny dropped, it took me way longer to put a stop to it. You’ve moved extremely fast and I applaud you for that.

Maybe moving forward you and your daughter can make this an annual thing where you buy things for foodbanks and the homeless, child refugees, charities etc and then go on your festive trip. And some years you might even get some close friends who want to join you (and pay their way of course!)

No I don't think that.

Why are you being so argumentative? It's just weird to fixate on one detail of a group of people's behaviour. And a group of people who behave selfishly at that.

Let it go...

I've done it before, with all the baby clothes that were still in good condition.

You are purposely ignoring all the back story OP has shared about her family’s expectations of her. Of course they were still expecting the other presents.

@Grinch123 1992 was my last year of being taken advantage of by my family. 6k in presents plus food treats etc, tbh it's not just the money but the time spent in crowded shops, we didn't have online shopping back then. I got 2 presents that year, Delia Smith's Xmas cookery video 😡 and a china hen egg thing, zero thought, that was it for me. My friends all died laughing asking if my family even knew me!
My family is dysfunctional, I also felt the need to pretend at Xmas. I said in future I would buy my own presents and they could buy and wrap something for themselves from me. I stopped spending Xmas with them and it reduced my Xmas anxiety overnight.
Your money is better spent on you and your daughter building magical Xmas memories.
So proud of you x

Pot... kettle...

You are clearly either bored, deranged or a troll.

I was just going to post exactly this.