To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

Cheering you from the sidelines OP!!

You have handled this so well and I’m proud of you for finally standing up for yourself. You sound lovely person and I hope you have an amazing time away with your DD.

Remember that offshoot WhatsApp group (which you wouldn’t like the contents of), whenever you are wavering!

@Grinch123 Oh Grinch..This is so sad to read.

Your family are a load of grasping , selfish people, self absorbed and jealous of your success.

Not going to your Graduation? That is so utterly selfish.

They idle around on benefits, while you have worked so hard to get out of the morass.

I'd cancel Christmas.

They don't appreciate you, they are resentful- Cancel Christmas.

Well done for making something of yourself despite very adverse conditions as a child.

@Grinch123 From your posts I can see very clearly how you managed to pull yourself up from your shit show of a childhood to build a fantastic career and a wonderful life for your DD.

That was her message to her family, I assume she said it was set in stone and booked so that they couldn’t try and change her mind.

@Grinch123 you say you’ve done Disney before, I don’t know when you are arriving but if you have a few days before 25th then scout out what your DD’s favourite rides are then on 25th think about rope dropping that park, staying till lunchtime then heading back to your resort for a Christmas afternoon by the pool. You’ll avoid the worst of the crowds and still get to hit your favourite rides.

We are so proud of you!

The nerve sending emails for the presents they want! The separate WhatsApp group no doubt bitching about you! Her expecting to come on holiday! Hitting every CF branch! I bet no one takes a turn hosting next year. Good, you can avoid them all.

Despite us having a large family years ago my favourite time when my DS was small was just he and I first thing. The two of you can have amazing Christmases. From now on every single penny is for you and your DD!

Change the locks before you leave! Otherwise you’ll get back to find they’ve spent Xmas at yours anyway!

Well done! Your trip sounds amazing! Get your locks changed before you go.

They feel entitled to your money. Can you spend the day with friends , where your generosity can be reciprocated and appreciated?

It would be amazing to see what EXACTLY they write about you in that separate family group that only YOU are conveniently excluded from

I'm guessing that would open your eyes even further to what massive bastards they are

@Grinch123 You have your lovely Daughter!
I spent many Christmases alone with DS - and it was fine.

Re the Whisky - That's useless to you as you don't drink {I don't either}.

I think you are trying to make a mythical 'Christmas' - which very few people actually have, to soothe your childhood.

Have a lovely Christmas with your daughter and you, the ingrates will whine, but do they not realise that one cannot take, take, take, take and take?

Grinch isn't a benevolent society for selfish ingrates.

I'm in awe of how you earn so much from such an inauspicious start. All power to you!

Have a lovely Christmas with your Daughter.

Chapeau OP, I am impressed. Happy Christmas to you and DD

Cor! Well Done!
Have a lovely time and Best Wishes for the New Year.

Well done op. Must have been hard holding your nerves.

Your family treat you unfairly and hope this is the wake up call they need to start treating you better. I suspect that they are all super jealous of you and don't want you to experience any joy at Christmas. Sitting and laughing at you while you open presents is horrible and you've been a saint to put up with it so long.

Enjoy Disney and a cruise. Treat yourself to loads of Disney merch! Don't think about getting them any presents!

Is there any children in the family other than your daughter?

I agree about changing the locks. Dont want them coming and taking the presents!

Also, I also agree with another poster that it's a shame to give it to a charity shop so some luckily person could buy it all cheap! The Lego set is worth so much, if you returned it you could buy so many smaller cost Lego sets and give them to a food bank type place to give to children/families in need. Maybe it's something to think about to keep you busy and not thinking about your family etc?

You could keep the cinema pass and enjoy going cinema with your daughter?

Thanks all for the ESTA reminder! We both have them from previous visits - they're up to date, as are our passports. Nothings getting in the way of this trip 🤩

Lots of individual WhatsApps came through overnight - I've ignored them so far. None of it is outright asking for the gifts (not my families MO) ~ it's more about how can I abandon them when I'm the one who makes Christmas special, I'm selfish to not want to celebrate with them, ruining Christmas etc etc. They'll do anything that 'makes me feel better' if I stay and make Christmas magic the way they know I love doing. I'm thinking I'll reply later on saying I need to get a bit of space but look forward to catching up when I'm back.

Looking forward to dropping off at the Foodbank this morning! I think a women's refuge is a better idea then a charity shop for the clothing/Lego - thanks to those upthread who suggested it, I'll do some googling. The Lego is an adult set related to some movies I don't like, so definitely giving it away!

Maltesers are epic! The sweet of Champions!

One of the few sweets which haven't changed since last Century.

I feel quite tearful reading your posts, but well done.

Money cannot buy love- It's little things that really matter.

If you can- watch a film called ''The Chain'' - about house moves.

I think at the end of the film you will understand why I recommended it to you xx

Amazing! You're showing such strength of character, you can be proud! This Christmas is going to be so unforgettable for you and your daughter for so many reasons. It's the year you let go of those leeches that are your family. They have been draining you dry of your love, generosity and care, they should be ashamed of themselves! It's their loss!
Can I advise you to change the lock before you go on holiday? I fear that your sister would let herself (and other family members?) into your house and do all sort as a revenge (steal stuff, sell your stuff, damage things?). I'm quite cynical about people, specially those who are thus entitled and feel scorned.
Good luck OP and have the best Christmas you ever had!

Wow, Well done Grinch!

Have a lovely Holiday xx

Definitely get a locksmith in, @Grinch123 , so you can fully relax on your well deserved break.

You fantastic person! Well done.

Now get your locks changed!!

I've got this awful image of them letting themselves in your house and celebrating Christmas there and make a mess of the place 😬 But maybe I've been on MN too long and read too many awful behaviours 😅

Such a shame even now their messages are self centred, again they miss all you DO for them, but not actually you? And it’s so much bigger than Christmas for you, it’s your relationships all the time that they don’t seem to be grasping beyond “their” Christmas. I totally missed that they don’t even get your daughter a gift either! You’ve been brilliant @Grinch123 have an epic time with your daughter, she deserves to see her mum happy over Christmas!

So they had assumed you were hosting again? Even though it hadn't been discussed