To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

Donate all the tickets. Refuse the loan demands. Your present to yourself this year is the word NO. Or 'FUCK NO!!' as you'd like more swear words! Screw 'cold turkey', that bird needs to be permanently frozen, starting now.

I am gobsmacked they have TOLD you what to buy them, the hints and links through the year aren't requests, they're demands. Lego, perfume, branded clothes .... mind blown. Yet they can't be arsed to even buy something for your little one.

You say your little one is too young to realise; I think she probably does pick up on the tension even if she doesn't understand the actual words. It's time to treat her and you as you both deserve - and you don't deserve these leeches.

Firstly, well done. You sound like a lovely person but your family are piss takers!
You can just change the barrel in the lock. It's very easy and there are lots of videos on YouTube showing how to do it. I also agree with installing a ring doorbell before you go. You can tell them all to piss off from the beach 😊
Have a fabulous holiday with your little girl!

Agreed. And I would do this now before your holiday so they don't access your house when you're not there.

Don’t forget to sort you ESTA today.

someone else mentioned it too but it was buried at the bottom of a post.

enjoy the trip

This! I’d let them know they’re not to go to the house while you’re away and give the neighbours the heads up in case they try. I’m another who thinks you should consider moving. This unfortunately isn’t the end. Expect lots more tears and tantrums and some probably crappy behaviour from various family members. Please, please change the locks and get a ring doorbell.

@Grinch123 I cannot imagine exactly what they are saying about you on the other whatsapp group chat!! it definitely wont be nice and it must have pained your sister to admit there was another group. wonder how long that other group has been around??? she even had the cheek to suggest that she go on holiday with you too!! what? at your expense???? you have definitely done the correct thing so make sure that you change the locks today before they get any ideas about coming in and helping themselves!! your wee girl will love disney! she wil be running around in a mini princess dress for the rest of the year!

Just read your latest, well done!!

Enjoy your holiday, you deserve it 💐💐

Well done OP!

As other posters have said, now prepare yourself for the guilt trips, attempts at manipulation, fake illness, bad luck stories, tears, anger etc.

They will no doubt try anything to pull you back in.

They may each try a different tactic with you.

You now know about the other WhatsApp group. They will be discussing what to do next on there.

Stay strong and focus on your exciting holiday!

God I love it when someone here grows a pair and stops letting people take the piss. I am in Sydney and would have happily had you over for fizz and mince pies if you had made it this far. Have an amazing Christmas.

ESTA!!!

Also, I’d be demanding to see that alternative WhatsApp group.

This! ⬆️ Seriously- set yourself free - the relief will be incredible. Keep for yourself or return their gifts. Don't give these hideous, vile people a single thing more - including your time & attention.

They're leeches. You get nothing from having them in your life. It'll be interesting to see how they react to their banker cutting them off.

OP I'm also a lone parent on 6 figures.

I also host everyone and I think it's a lovely thing to do...but.

Those presents are way over the top, that's about 3k of money you could put to one side every year for private school, house deposit etc for your DD.

I think the secret Santa each and then everything your DD needs is good enough as hosting is expensive as it is.

And your family sound lucky to have you. I know it's easy for people on here to say bin them off, but being a lone parent is hard. But I would get some better boundaries around your generosity.

Change the locks.
Apply for your ESTA.

Have a great time away from these awful users!

lots of 'it doesn't matter about the presents

That doesn’t make sense-the whole reason you cancelled was that they weren’t buying you a present, so it really did matter!

Dont forget to change the locks before you go, then sis cant let anyone in...

trust no-one at the moment

You took on or was given the role of being the family’s parent, someone who would keep the chaos at bay, you had yearned for a dream parent in your early years, one who was selfless, capable and loving, a role you have stuck to ever since. Your siblings are not little kids anymore and the parental role for them you took on to keep you all safe is keeping them stuck in being children. The role you took on and created when you were a child yourself had no concept of letting the children fly the nest and become adults and you’ve all become stuck.
You have to acknowledge the need for you to be mum is no longer needed, they are all adults now and the one little person you are mum to needs not the fantasy mum but an actual adult mum. Your family has shown a huge resentment to your actual daughter by not even bothering to buy her a token present, they see her as a threat so they don’t acknowledge her as the child they should be making the effort for. They need to use emotional manipulation to keep you in their ‘mum’ role so all your efforts to give them what they want overshadows her, she is seen as the youngest child who has taken all the attention away from them and viewed with resentment and anger. That’s why you are walking on egg shells trying to placate them, that’s why they have another family chat group, to scheme up ideas to make them more important than your daughter whilst spending as little as possible.
You need to step away from that old no longer needed role and be mum to your daughter, it’s going to be hard as they will do everything to keep you feeling responsible for them and you will receive lots of resentment, anger and spite but that is how they feel towards you and your daughter. She needs shielding from them as she does/will sense their resentment and anger when mixing with the nest of vipers you have been unconsciously enabling to treat you and her like shit. To act like they are much more important than your child, like you should be putting them before you and your daughter!
x

Bloody well done you!

Today is now day one of your new life where you don't let your family freeload off you any more.

Can't believe she actually admitted there's a separate family chat which excludes you - and as for you not liking what's on there? It says it all. How nasty and grubby and grasping of them all - they should be absolutely ashamed of themselves.

You are allowed to do well. You are allowed to have nice things. You are allowed to enjoy the fruits of your hard work. You don't have to "earn" this through subjecting yourself to shitty treatment from your family. They are entitled to nothing from you. Stop letting them treat you like a crab in a bucket - where they pull you down because they are jealous that you got away and bettered yourself, and they didn't.

Have a wonderful holiday. Stay strong between now and then - I suspect this is not the last you'll hear from your family. They are losing their luxury gifts and Christmas being waited on hand and foot for free, so they have everything to fight for. Grey rock - don't discuss it and don't justify it.

Well done for standing firm @Grinch123! It must be so hurtful to know there is another family group you have been excluded from with the purpose of slagging you off, but remember that if you ever feel yourself wavering. Your family are toxic and you and your daughter deserve so much better.

Well done, OP.

I think unfortunately you can't fund family like this. It only seems to lead to jealousy.

Clear boundaries around giving money / unfair gifts will result in some angst, but it's fair more sustainable.

This is such a great tip thank you! I was wondering about the day itself as the research I've been doing showed the parks will be packed. Will definitely book this as it's been on our list a while (we've done Disney before but not much outside of it in Orlando)

Well done OP!!! It’s hard when the realisation of what has been happening hits you hard in the face and you realise what a doormat you have become to your family. You have done the right thing and drawn a line in the sand, and made other plans for you and your DD this Christmas. But as other posters have stated, beware this will be just the beginning as your family are not going to accept this easily. I think sitting down and considering your boundaries in the coming months now is a good idea. What are you happy to do for them (unless you are planning to go NC with them but I didn’t get that impression from you), and making that quite clear to them. I think giving the financial help in any form should stop completely and you need to stick to that because that seems to be the main draw for them. They are still your family but that doesn’t mean it’s ok for them to take, bully, expect and emotionally blackmail you. I think looking at some therapy in the new year should also be a plan for you so you can see what an abusive relationship and one sided relationship this is. You need to realise your own self worth and value, for yourself and your daughters sake. Use your holiday as a reset and come back to your new reality. Before you go, change your locks, get a ring doorbell, talk to your friends and get some physical people (not just on MN) to support you when you just need a shoulder to cry on or rage at, and write down your feelings/boundaries and do not forget them!!!!! Stay firm, you can do this, you are doing this for you and your daughter. We are ALL so PROUD of you xxxx

@Grinch123 you are one amazing lady, you deserve so much better than your manipulative family. Have an amazing Christmas & good luck going forward with your boundaries in place xxx

That's amazing, well done. That made me laugh that she wanted to come with you on your holiday. Of course she did.

I would be worried about giving those big items to charity shops. I think they should be auctioned off instead. I wonder whether a Children's Hospital would be interested in the Lego.