To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

This is the best thread ever. OP, you are wonderful to watch.

Have a fantastic holiday.

Your family deserve coal for Xmas.

Woohoo, the best present you have ever given to yourself, @Grinch123 ! A spine! And some wonderful Christmas holidays for you and your DD. These are the memories you create for your child, not the ones where a bunch of leeches fawn over their presents while not giving a damn about you.

You are well rid @Grinch123 , what a bunch of nasty conniving scroungers your family are. Change the locks today and have a fantastic Disney Christmas, your plans sound fab.

OP. You’ve given your DD the best present ever. Time with her Mum. You’ve also given your family one big life lesson. They killed the golden goose!
Change your locks and make sure you have a Ring doorbell (if you haven’t already got one). It would be interesting to see if your family tried to use your house while you were away……
Have the most fantastic time.

I wouldn't just change the locks. Think about moving the house if you can.

Fantastic update OP
Wishing you and DD a wonderful Christmas.

Another vote for changing the locks, OP. There’s nothing presumptuous people hate more than having something they were taking for granted taken off them. Well done. Your holiday sounds fab!

Good for you op, could you change the locks before you go, I suspect you'll have an unwanted visitor while you're away if you don't.

Definitely change the locks TODAY! They could pop over even when you’re at work.

another motivator to stay strong, if you added up all the “loans” you’ve given over the years, how much would that be? Then add up all the cost of those christmas presents and hosting too. Now imagine having that money right now to put in your child’s name. If it’s close to the sum of a house deposit, imagine what it would be if you kept going, probably the value of a house. Your child is 21, imagine having that money to give her to own her first house.

Another invitation to visit NZ next year, OP! We have room for two, or even three!

Wow OP, you are amazing. Well done.

Definitely change the locks. I would also get a ring doorbell or some video security to keep track on things whilst you are away.

Well done you - this is awesome. I have been sorting of where you are (on a smaller scale) and never got a backbone. Have a fab holiday

Definitely change the locks before you leave the house today. Get a locksmith over ASAP.
Well done OP!

Just read your thread. Stay strong, remember you aren’t responsible for your family’s happiness. Don’t forget to change the locks before you go away. Have the happiest time with your daughter x

Well done OP.

Prepare yourself for your mother’s Mystery Illness designed to guilt you back into line. They will pull out all the stops to put you back in your designated role.

Have a fantastic Christmas, it sounds wonderful.

Yep, change the locks asap. At least the presents will have gone so they can’t come in tomorrow and take them.

And also ignore the requests on here to buy the presents from you, I think you would be offered a tenner. Much better to give to charity.

I've just come across your thread and think you are amazing and an excellent role model for your little one.
Have the best Christmas making memories you'll both treasure forever.

Are you really asking OP for a career advice? Or something else?

OP I would love to send you a present just to show you that there are people out there that care xx

Are you in Orlando on Christmas day or the cruise? If you'll be in Orlando I'd recommend booking discovery cove because the parks will be rammed (magic kingdom shuts due to being at max capacity!) Whereas discovery cove has limited numbers so Is less busy.
If you're on the cruise ignore this 😆
I know it's not exactly the best reason to be going but you've chosen an amazing g place to spend Christmas!
If you needed somewhere else to donate stuff (not sure what you're doing with the tickets) but if there is a primary school nearby they might be having a Christmas fair & they'd make brilliant raffle prizes

The things on the lists are not daily living essentials. They are bonuses in life.
Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should (think Madonna), so pleease don't buy them stuff apart from a well-considered item they might need to supplement their life.
Tbh, if it were me, I'd be NC and in the south of france for a 'Bon Noel'

I'm just shocked that a CF has requested a £400 Lego set. DD recently got a North face puffy coat, it was over £300. Who does that?

Don't forget the ESTA OP!

Well done OP, you are demonstrating the importance of good boundaries and knowing your worth to your DD.

Please be prepared for the money requests and emotional manipulation to continue. You probably already have a savings account set up for your DD but if you don't, I would set one up for her, and every time your family hound you for cash, deposit the amount they want into your DD's account as a constant reminder of the fact that their needs are less important than your DD's, and you are prioritising her future over your feckless family. You'll probably end up being quite surprised at how much money builds up.

Well done@Grinch123, you are a rock star!

Enjoy Disney - your DD will love it, as will you!