To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

Ps - local women’s aid refuge will likely be a grateful recipient for the surplus gifts 🎁
pps - change your house locks today to stop your “family” letting themselves in and taking the presents away !!

OMG - makes you wonder exactly what was in the other chat if your DSis said you wouldn't want to see it......

Shady bastards, conniving behind your back but not replying to you in the regular family chat.

Well done on holding your nerve. It's absolutely the right thing but I imagine there will be fallout. Make sure you think about this ahead of time so you know how you want to handle it. I find it's much harder when you're caught on the hop and it's easy to slide back into peacemaker role when that's the last thing you want.

You are absolutely amazing, so strong. Really great example for your DD. I hope you have the loveliest Christmas ever and create new traditions that don't involve your bloodsucking family!

Epic!

You will never regret this!

Fuck them. Horrible scrounging bunch.

Go nuclear. Return what you can. Keep the Coldplay tickets.

Book yourself a flight to the Bahamas/Maldives/somewhere beautiful and spend Christmas in peace being waited on hand and foot.

Do this OP. They would never take you for granted again and you'd get to lie on a beach in the sun on Xmas day.

Well done op. You'll have a wonderful time in Disney. I'd gift your secret Santa the random booze you got.

This is amazing!
Your DD will love it! Have a fab time and well done for staying strong😁

OP you rock! Well done for standing your ground and seeing things for how they really are.
Another group chat where they're presumably slagging you off/making a plan for who's best to bring you back in line... you're a cash cow to them.
Enjoy your holiday! Sounds fantastic!
And yes, get your locks changed asap. A lot are really easy to do yourself.

If it is any consolation, DB who suggested the secret Santa is almost certainly getting it in the neck from other family members on the lines of 'you thought up the idea is as and now look what has happened' 'our Xmas has been cancelled' 'we've promised xxx lego, who's going to pay for it now?'

Bless you @Grinch123 you sound such a lovely caring person, I’m so glad you see them for what they are now. Change your locks asap before your holiday.
You did everything in the past for them, you did it all with love but it’s time they learnt to stand on their own two feet. They are not children anymore and they feel entitled to everything you have worked so hard for. You must feel so relieved and devastated but you’ve acknowledged their actions and attitudes towards you and it’s freed you to start living life for you and your Dd. They resent you and your Dd so much for having more than them and that's a toxic environment for her to grow up in. They mock you opening presents at Christmas to make you feel ashamed yet you share in the joy they felt opening gifts. They try to keep you in line, to not expect anything from them not even a chocolate selection box for your child but they make sure you buy all the expensive gifts they’ve hinted at all year plus cater for them Christmas Day. Your needs, your daughters needs are dismissed only theirs are of importance and that is what they will fight tooth and nail for to keep it as it was.

Well done on doing this you’re doing amazingly well. We had some ‘friends’, who treated us like a cash cow in the past. We spent thousands on them and I worked out almost 2k on just one woman. She just kind of pitched up empty handed and we fed her, wine, champagne etc over and over and she never had us over in return or paid for anything. It was such a relief to no longer have these scroungers. I stood up to this woman and the whole group rounded on me. Nasty nasty.

I can’t believe you came on here to ask . You know they are a bunch of cunts. Cancel Christmas with them , return the gifts or give them to charity. Go away on a holiday instead . Fuck them all

got a bit shady and then admitted there was another group chat, but I wouldn't want to see what was on there.

Bunch of snakes.

Enjoy Disney. Magical Christmas #1 with DD!

Just read this OP and your responses. I’m so pleased that you’ve called time on the situation and have stood up for yourself.

Your holiday plan sounds amazing. Get yourself on a Facebook Disney group as it’s the busiest time of the year to go, so you’ll need lots of insider tips to make it work.

You can start making new Christmas traditions from now on.

@Grinch123 I just want to say well done, and I'm so impressed with what you said. It's true the money you spend on them you could spend on your children, or put it away in savings for them. I use to buy expensive things for my newphew all the time, but yet he's never there for me when I need help. He actually blocked me cause I asked him to pick up my son from school. He doesn't want me to call for favours. It's actually hurtful, it's not about the money I spend on him, it's about the disrespect and me feeling like I do not matter. On a side note I'm single mother trying to make ends meet, I was thinking of doing another post about this but could you give any advice on what career/qualification on having better earnings so I can better support myself. Feel free to dm me other wise if you feel comfortable doing so. And I hope you have a lovely Xmas holiday

The outcome of this thread is unbelievably brilliant 🤩
I hope no drama is headed your way because of it and they realise the error of their ways.
thus ending us giving me Kate Winslet vibes in The Holiday. You are a Christmas inspiration. Have a fabulous time xx

Good point - make sure change the locks before you go so they can't use (or abuse) your house while you're gone.

They have another group chat?! That speaks volumes. Enjoy your stress free Christmas break OP! Hope you and your dd have an amazing time.

Scale it down to the way they want to do it - buy your person a small gift, spend the time with the family. They’ve told you what would make them comfortable, listen to them.
You sound very generous, they sound a bit intimidated.

Just read your update, forget what I wrote. Enjoy Disney! 😀

Well done on holding out against them. How awful they have a separate group chat to complain about you on. You are setting an example for your DD that 'family' is about prioritising people and making them feel special. If in twenty years' time, she were being treated this way, I'm sure you would be the first to tell her to get rid of users.

I agree about changing the locks; be it women's aid or mission Christmas, do whatever is easiest for you to get rid of the presents. Equally if they have a key, be prepared for them to try to raid your house for the gifts so I'd personally get rid ASAP and store them in the car (covered up) in the mean time. Have a wonderful holiday.

If you are on good terms with your neighbours, let them know that you are changing your locks, so they are aware of any visitors trying to get into your home. It is probably totally unnecessary but it never hurts to have a few precautions in place.

PS keep the Lego! DD will be able to help you build it soon and it can become a treasured Christmas decoration!

‘…This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other.’

Oh, the irony 😂

Isn’t there a saying about be careful about what one asks for because getting it doesn’t necessarily make one happy?!

Well, his request has worked out well for your good self, OP, even though he’s shot himself and the others in the foot 😉

Have a fabulous Christmas holiday with your little one, the first of many I hope.

ps don’t forget to have your door locks changed as already recommended. It’s relatively simple for someone to change the barrels and worth it for peace of mind.

I’m not even a massive Coldplay fan, but my god, it was the most epic gig I have been to IN MY LIFE!!!

im so happy you are going, you sound beautiful and generous and lovely, enjoy your break

if you need to go further next year, come to New Zealand, now this place is magical :)