To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

If this is a true story I would just take them at their word and do secret santa. Either return the gifts you’ve bought or give them to charity / enjoy them yourself. Just buy your one secret santa present. Or spend xmas with other people.

Hope you’ve turned the lights, the doorbell and your phone off OP. Let us know where you book and STAY STRONG FOR YOURSELF x

Hi @Grinch123

Sorry, these people are not interested in you, only your money and what they can get out of you. They are not even grateful! Stop giving them money or gifts now. Don’t let your daughter see you being made a mug of and think that is an acceptable way to be treated.

Use your money for you and your daughter. You’ve worked for it, you’ve earned it, you deserve it.

A fabulous holiday to somewhere magical sounds just what you need.

So glad you've cancelled Christmas. Take your DD to Euro Disney. Or Lapland! Both are magical for little kids.

@Grinch123 genius, am cackling at this bit ‘Happy to share budgeting tips if you find yourself in a tight spot’.

Even if you stay put, let them all think you’ve gone away. Don’t change your mind if they all try and berate or weedle their way back.

Your family aretaking advantage of your generosity. For this year if possible - and if not, certainly for next year - tell your family that you feel your generosity isn't appreciated properly so you will be setting a limited budget for birthday & Christmas gifts and will be sticking to it.
Don't let them try to manipulate you into spending more.

I hope you are alright! Do a winter wonderland type trip with your little one - you couldn't get much more Chrismassy!

I am going to say something now that will probably be very unpopular but please bear with me.

Mum and Dad divorced when I was a kid and we were on the breadline, money was very tight. Christmas was always lovely, Mum half killed herself to make sure we all had something but it wasn't the massive splurge lots of families have.

My eldest sister, (quite a bit older than me), eventually got a good job and married well and her income for a month was more than our entire annual income for 4 of us.

She started hosting Christmas, she tried to create a Christmas worthy of a glitzy American film. No expense was spared. If her kids were asked for a list of what they wanted for Christmas, which we were duly presented with, we knew full well it would be beyond our financial ability and that anything we didn't buy, my sister would. She wanted us to have a good time too and she was very generous but too extravagant and we just couldn't compete. I gave up.

It all came from a good place and she wanted us to have a magical time but for all the nice things she bought me, whilst part of me was thrilled, part of me also felt dejected as I just couldn't compete. What I could buy her kids just wasn't up to the mark and I felt that neither they or my sister understood how demoralising it was. What do you buy the woman who has everything. I spent more on my sister than I did on everyone else combined and then whatever I bought was never seen again. I'd buy posh Belgium choccies amongst other things and she would hand them around the room or add them to the big pile of posh goodies she had in her cupboard.

I never asked to borrow money, she never bailed us out, it was just the Christmas and birthday extravagances that got out of hand.

The problem was that my sister had started the ball rolling and every year it got bigger and bigger and yeah I enjoyed the gifts but I also felt I could never reciprocate as did my Mum and siblings. We knew that we couldn't replicate the standard she had set, which her kids were now well and truly attuned to. Anything we offered would seem poor by comparison.

There inability to buy a little something for you, as the generous host, let alone a family member, is wrong and is very thoughtless, they certainly need pulling up on this.

But you do need to pull back on the opulence and extravagant gifting as you are the one creating this, but they are wrong to take advantage of you. You are also bringing your child up to these expectations, like my sister and her kids. How are your family supposed to compete? Christmas is about being together and having friends and family to have a nice time with. This is what your child should be enjoying.

Your deep seated desire to give them a wonderful time, is creating the very monster you are complaining about. You offer it on a plate and they take it.

Your family will be upset by your message as you have basically held a mirror up to them about their behaviour which does need to change, but you have a part in this too, you helped create this monster. You set their expectations, and you react to their none too subtle hints at what they want....its a self fulfilling prophecy with the end result that you feel unappreciated.

I say this with kindness, you are a very generous woman and your love for your family is very obvious, but the issues you need to address is not just their behaviour, its your also your own.

You need to set boundaries and expectations, not just for them but for you too.

I know I will get lambasted for this.

OP are you okay?
Or is your sister still there?

I would carry on as normal this year, and give the gifts I'd already bought. I would announce in the WhatsApp group that I'd already bought all the gifts, and they will be distributed, but I now know what to do going forward. I would leave it at that.

If I was hosting, I'd probably add in the WhatsApp group that you'll need people to supply a dish/booze - really short notice I know, but so is this revelation.

I have more money than my siblings, and I always gift because I want to. I don't always receive anything back and I'm fine with that. Obviously you feel differently, and so the only thing you can do is become less generous.

A bottle of spirits is effectively a form of currency. It will keep almost indefinitely and can be regifted.

Disney would be great!!!

Oh OP im sorry your family are so ungrateful and unkind, unfortunately it seems like they have taken you for granted.
If it was me and I had a little girl my family didn't even bother to buy xmas gifts for id be fuming, what is that teaching your daughter. Id actually look at booking something away for you and your daughter for over the xmas period, get out of hosting and create lovely new memories for you both. Could you book Disneyland or even just a nice hotel get your dinner made for you and both relax. Keep things light and breezy with your family and stop trying to create some fake family memories over xmas with people who don't appreciate you

This might be a mad suggestion but I’m solo travelling over Christmas in SE Asia and would happily hang out with you if you fancied heading that way. I’m serious! Message me if you like.

and stay strong! Don’t give these grifting users a minute more of your time and energy. The only thing they deserve from you from now on is a great big box of FUCK ALL!

You had me convinced with the first paragraph. Your whole family (apart from you and dsis) are a bunch of feckless benefits scroungers. A microcosm of broken Britain. Well done for breaking the mould and working hard and doing well for yourself. The rest of your family will take, take, take, without an ounce of guilt or consideration from others. From the taxpayer in general or you personally, they don't care where it comes from. Their behaviour, attitude and laziness is abhorrent and I think I were in your shoes I'd have disowned them long ago.

Wait a second. You buy everyone in your extended family expensive gifts every Christmas and they give your little daughter NOTHING?

I just fell over from shock. I partly understand their perspective that you have a lot and they have little, but that is beyond stingy and heading right into cruel.

Well done. Stay strong.
They've taken you for granted. You worked hard for the things you have and it's been so kind of you to support family but they have come to disrespect you because of it.
Stepping back is the right thing to do. Distance yourself from them for the time being. Go low contact with all of them. They need to space to hopefully realise what utter cunts they've been. Don't let yourself get cast in this role again.

Going against the grain here but do you think the secret Santa idea has been suggested to avoid you buying everyone expensive gifts.
Maybe your family feel a bit awkward about the situation. I hate people spending money on me, especially when they don't have it, I would also much rather have the money to spend on myself rather than some gift I don't want or care about from family.
I don't think the situation has anything to do with the fact your family don't buy you a gift and a lot more to do with the fact they don't acknowledge your feelings.
It sounds like they never have and never will, sadly I don't think that is going to change, however you can and I think you should.
Christmas for me isn't about the gifts (I would happily only buy for children) but it is about family time and being together.
Only you know if going away this year with your daughter is the answer to what you want for both of you.
Families can be difficult, let us down, fail us and make us sad and are very often disfuntional, very few of us get anything close to the Walton's.
I wish you joy and I wish you peace this Christmas OP.

Thanks all, I know it's late just updating for those pitchfork wielding people who were worried!

DSis arrived (I opened the door because she has a key and would've let herself in anyway - I know, I probably need to change the locks) and pulled out all the stops - lots of tears, lots of 'it doesn't matter about the presents, we just want to be together' (I know this wouldn't hold up). I almost caved - I'm sure this is why she turned up and not anyone else, because we've always had a stronger bond. But then I asked her how she and family were discussing this if not on the family group, she got a bit shady and then admitted there was another group chat, but I wouldn't want to see what was on there. That helped rebuild my 'do not give a fuck'eryness. She then cried about not wanting to spend time with family and tried to invite herself along with us on our festive trip 😂 I said no.

After she left I unwrapped everything I'd bought for them, sorted it and it's ready to be dropped off at the correct places tomorrow so I can't change my mind! Individually printed all the tickets (light show and Panto), and will give them, all the Christmas food I've already bought + stockings filled with bits to our food bank to distribute ~ they're fab, and I have a friend who volunteers there who agreed they'd love those things and won't let anything go to waste. Coat/Uggs and Lego are headed to the charity shop.

And I've booked Disney! Never planned a holiday less in my life 😂 A week in Florida, followed by a short cruise from there over NY to the Caribbean ~ best of both (Disney) worlds hehe. Thanks for all the recommendations - I love travelling with DD and am generally a very responsible and a good judge of character. I clearly have a massive blind spot when it comes to family, but no more 😬

Thanks again for all the suggestions/comments/having my back moments. I don't think I would've gone through with it had I not had all these comments to bolster my confidence!

I totally get this. I’ve had a lot of therapy recently and have come to realise that I try to buy love because I’m codependent. The problem with this is that we often attract takers, who are also misunderstanding of our generosity and abuse us for it. It’s really hard with family, but please try to love yourself the way you want others to. 🩷

@Holyguacbatman thank you!!

They're nowhere near a 4 unfortunately. However I've just checked the site I bought them on (I looked EVERYWHERE - reputable site but not where I'd think to look which is why they still have stock I think!) and they have 1 pair left in a 4 so I'm DMing you it now if you check your inbox!

Love this update. Stay strong! Whereabouts are you so I can search charity shops…? 😜

“DSis arrived (I opened the door because she has a key and would've let herself in anyway - I know, I probably need to change the locks)”

Make sure you change the locks before you go on holiday… even tomorrow or you may find the family comes to have Christmas Day at yours while you are away!!!

So disgusting they have a separate chat with you not in it… shows how much they value you … remember this when you feel yourself wavering

Have an awesome holiday and enjoy your perfect happy little family

As many others have said, they are cunts and users.

Ditch them.

Do what YOU want for once. A hotel, a lovely meal, some beautiful, carefully chosen gifts, a cheesy movie in Bed.

Fuck them.

Well done OP - you’re giving your DD the example she needs if creating boundaries and sticking to them . Your family sound awful and you deserve so much better - am glad you are realising this . 💐

Well done. OP , it must have been a difficult and distressing conversation. The fact that there is another chat group tells you a huge amount about your family and their relationship with you; no doubt it is burning hot tonight.
Change your locks before you go away as there is always the risk of uninvited guests gathering around your xmas tree in your absence!
Not sure about giving the very expensive items to a charity shop. Might be better to offer them to a local help group or church for a raffle prize.
Hope you and your little one have a wonderful, stress free holiday away.

p.s. the money you would have spent in the future on your family will cover future xmas breaks and , if put into saving, a useful amount towards uni fees, etc.