To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

Yo sound lovely, I can't believe your generosity goes so unappreciated. Well done for working your way into a secure situation for your Daughter. I just can not believe that an adult would ask someone for a £400 LEGO set, the entitlement!! Another good place to donate is the local council for care leavers. I think what would do it for me is that they don't buy your daughter a gift, that is a smack in the teeth.

I'd also say Christmas is for you too, not just your family, not just your daughter. You. Your daughter does not need to be around such people to have a nice time. You have the resources and attitude to give her a good time - just need to break your cycle x

Hide presents away, say they are for your Dd who got too interested so you put them away.
You are made to feel guilty for having a good job, made to buy them expensive gifts so you have a lovely family Christmas as god forbid you don’t buy them their hearts desire else they would make sure the day was ruined! They also make remarks about you having any gift from friends, they are managing your expectations and trying to make you feel unworthy of gifts. You are walking on eggshells to please them, you are trying to buy their love! You try so hard to make them happy but they make no effort with you or your Dd. Your Db’s secret Santa idea on WhatsApp was probably cooked up between them so they can spend less than they did before. They come over on Christmas Day because you provide everything, buy them their dream gifts and bend over so far back you must be a yoga master. Take it all away and you won’t see them for dust! You have a daughter so your Christmas will be magical without them, no more feeling guilty for having more money and having to spend it on them, it’s like your having to apologise with gifts to keep their resentment at bay.
You and your daughter deserve better than the vampires coming for Christmas, you don’t want your Dd to grow up in thinking feeling love has to be bought.
X

I'm not often speechless but my jaw will forever remain nailed to the floor at this!!! 😱😱 What ungrateful, entitled, selfish cheeky fuckers! They're a shower of cunts.

@Grinch123 Good for you for putting your foot down and turning off the generosity tap! But be prepared for a tsunami of hatred, spite, emotional manipulation and tantrums about how unfair, horrible and unreasonable you're being and how you've ruined Christmas for everyone. Don't back down and don't engage just keep repeating the phrases pp have already said.

No doubt your sister is coming round for those presents!! Make bloody sure you hide them and if you can lock them up and when asked say you thought Secret Santa was a fantastic idea and to show some Christmas spirit you donated the presents to charity! I imagine your sisters facial expression will be priceless 🤣🤣🤣🤣 and it will serve your family right for being so greedy, entitled, ungrateful and selfish all these years how hurtful their behaviour must be, please OP get some therapy and start valuing yourself more you sound lovely.

This cheeky fuckery is up there with Mexican House Thief utterly unbelievable anyone could so cheeky

Go on holiday and leave them to it

You will hear some very spiteful, hateful things hurled at you, emotional manipulation to make you feel guilty because you dared treat them like they treat you. Stay strong and remember you have held all this resentment from them at bay by feeling hostage to their demands, to apologise for being better off than them. They are a bunch of jealous hate filled takers who will never have you and your daughter’s best interest at heart, only their own.
x

Amazing response, @Grinch123 , your family has FAFO and can regret at leisure while you and your little DD have the magical Christmas of both your dreams!

YES

F

Hope you are ok Op and not having a massive row..or if you are I hope you are giving them a piece of your mind, they needed to hear it and stop taking your generosity for granted

The only thing I question is your offer to share budgeting advice. They may assume that this will still mean access to money you have budgeted. Bank of OP is shut. Greedy, grasping motherfuckers. I bet they start “dropping in” with pressies.

Perfection!

I have read all your comments through the thread ..

After your first post I thought they can fuck right off .

I have watched you grow throughout this thread to the point I am shouting yes at my screen …

You will develop of huge sense of freedom and. Will be far richer .

My next steps are have a set of replies

That doesn’t work for me .
I am focusing on my Dd
No
i am doing things my way
This isn’t up for discussion.

They will all try to make you the bad guy / this is about them wanting to control, not acknowledging their role.

i also think going forward you will benefit from Therapy

Next year, let them assume & announce at the last minute that you are going away. It was arranged a long time ago. Take yourself off somewhere sunny, buy perfume at the airport, thoroughly enjoy yourself. Post it all on your social media.

When they come over ,tell them your priorities are different from now.

Fuck them all
Push them off the gravy train they've been riding on
You sound so kind and caring and they don't deserve your generosity.
Have the first of many Happy Christmases with your DD
You are enough.

I hope you can stand your ground with her if she does come over. You sound like a lovely kind hearted person, please don’t let them walk all over you anymore. People like this won’t appreciate you if you do help or don’t, they just become more entitled and expect more. I really hope you and your dd have the most wonderful and peaceful Christmas, Disney land sounds amazing that time if year x

This thread is the bees knees. I think I love you OP! I’m so glad you have stood up to them. Awful CFs

Lanzarote is hot this time of year!

look after number 1!

So sorry I am sure you really are feeling devastated . I had a neglectful childhood and I’m currently NC/LC with all of my family. It’s very hard. Have you been to the stately homes thread, it’s a great lifeline for all of us with family issues especially at Christmas as it’s honestly the hardest of times.

There’s nothing I can say that’s going to help here. It’s got nothing to do with money it’s the taking you for granted that’s the problem. A chocolate bar or a bubble bath or something else for a £1 as a gift from each of them would do. And some help with the cooking or washing up.

I would still give them all of their gifts as you’ve done all the hard work now. But from next year onwards I would stop doing everything you have done, focus on yourself and your happiness and not them.

For now I suggest you buy yourself a few things too though. I’ve ordered a couple of mystery boxes online at the weekend and I’m going to put the surprises in a stocking for myself.

I feel really sad on your behalf, I’d buy you a gift if I could.

Just wanted to send you a big hug and said well done. Read your posts, not all the replies.
After years of being bulied by my older sister and being told what to do, and what to buy for presents for her and her family, my Mum died, and left me in control of her will, and sister went ballistic and isn't speaking to me (money went to the grandchildren - we have several other siblings). Now I have come to terms with her hating me, it's fab - I have a toxic person out of my life! Even her own children keep her at a distance.
GOOD LUCK - stay strong xx

I hope you have found a great trip away for you and DD.

id say I’m going away then have a quiet Christmas at home with your little one. If they ever ask your flight got cancelled or one of you was ill.

I was a lone parent and myself and my son had some really magical Christmases just the two of us.

Firstly take back all gifts - since “it’s a secret Santa this year and adults don’t need presents” and supply one gift within the budget of the secret santa.

Return, regift, donate your gifts.

If you don’t want to spend it with them, then don’t.

And btw I also know how awful it is to have to return gifts you have already bought for your loved ones. I’ve been forced to do the same in the past due to disgusting behaviour. Stay strong and focus on yourself and your DD. The others don’t matter.

I wouldn't be surprised if they make a big song and dance about their more modest Christmas this year on social media talking about family and spending time with the people who really matter and #snakes....all in an attempt to try to make you feel like shit OP!