To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

Poor Op. You are deserving of gifts. You have an ill mannered family who take you for granted
Lovely idea to donate some gifts to charity.
I don't think it is in your generous nature to be a mean girl back. You exude positivity and joy.

Make paper baubles with the gifts described and the charity listed. Hang them in clear sight on the tree.

Take your brother's words at face value.
From now on adults in the family buy one gift for one other adult. Draw from a hat on Boxing Day for the next year.

Set a limit 50 or 100. See how that goes for a few years.
Also ask your siblings to bring one dish of celebratory food to share.

Host your family, that is nice.

For you - make a point of participating in local Carol Services, helping at charities that provide Christmas cheer for homeless women and children, attending Christmas musicals and spending time and energy with like minded, joyous, people.
Your goodwill should not be wasted.

Ooh do Efteling. We went just before Christmas a few years ago and it was utterly bliss. Stay in one of the princess suites!

Sod that for a game of soldiers.

No hosting, one secret santa present and a good holiday for the OP and her daughter.

She's probably coming over to try to talk you into changing your mind.

Please don't let her guilt or emotionally manipulate you into re-thinking your decision.

It seems as though this has been something of a turning point for you, as it has essentially forced you to confront and admit to yourself who your family really are and acknowledge the dreadful way they've been behaving to you. Ultimately, this is a good thing for you as it can be the push you need to end this exploitation for good.

OP I'm so impressed by you. You've turned a shit situation into such a positive... I love how you stood up to them!

I'll be thinking of you and you little DD wearing Mickey Mouse ears on Christmas Day or sunning yourselves somewhere hot! Make sure you post a photo on the WhatsApp group! 😜

Just imagine a Christmas where you can play all day and don’t need to worry about cooking!!

I would love Diane at Christmas.

If not there, look for single parent holidays where you can hook up with other mums in the same situation. At least it will give you some company.

Make the most of local stuff and enjoy the festivities:

Im so proud of you.

Gosh OP I am so impressed! What a great text 💪 I know it might not feel like it now but this definitely the best thing for your daughter as she will start to know the differences in how your family treat you compared to how you treat them and you don't want her thinking that's normal. I hope you find a fab holiday for you both.

Oh and if the Uggs are a 4 I will buy them off you 😂 Dd is after them and I can't find them anywhere.

Gooo @Grinch123! you sound like an amazing thoughtful human and deserve to have a fab time whatever you decide to do!
family are money sucking leeches by the sound of it so good time to teach them a lesson! Go girl!

My money's on a hasty retrofit from your mum and sister along the lines of "oh, Secret Santa is for the rest of us, of course everyone's going to get YOU a gift"

Well done OP. Enjoy your Christmas with your DD without the stress of your family. Have you thought about donating the gifts to somewhere that provides Christmas lunch to those on there own? They may also get no gifts from anyone so might be welcomed.

They fucked around, they found out.

Christmas at Disney would be AMAZING

That was a brilliant message you sent them but I can’t believe your sister thinks she can just come around at this time of
night without asking?

I think you really do need to firm up your boundaries. This is way bigger than the one week at Christmas they host.

They clearly have contempt and a lack of respect for you.

I really hope this is real and OP stands her ground. Please update us OP!

Just coming on to say very very well done @Grinch123, you are absolutely doing the right thing. How dare they refuse to buy token presents for you, I’m livid on your behalf. I also love planning holidays so let me know if you want to to google 😂. (The offer from a proper travel agent upthread is a lot more sensible though). Keep strong and hug that child of yours tightly.

💯 Disney at Christmas!
we did it 2019 and it was so magical and amazing. One tip, get up early Christmas morning, go to magic kingdom, watch the lunchtime parade then leave and enjoy the day at the resort xx

Exactly. My favourite gifts have not been expensive. They've been home made or chosen in a way that means something to me.

Good God! Keep want you want, give the rest away and tell them that Christmas is cancelled - permanently. This jolly of theirs has been going on for long enough - it's not just got out of hand, it's running riot.

Use the rage.

I would find Christmas at Disney too commercial, tacky and void of people I know.

Op, don't do anything that is souless for yourself just to spite your ungrateful family.

Only go to Disney if it actually rocks your Christmas boat.
You can afford to splurge on something more personal.

Don’t know how old your DD is but if you want a magical Christmas (because it does sound like you love Christmas!) then why not see if you can get a last minute break to the real Lapland? Although the Caribbean sounds much warmer.

Well done OP, you should be really proud of yourself tonight and you have set such a good example to your DD moving forward.

Please don’t give them tickets to panto etc. And enjoy Coldplay.

Well done. Your DC needs to see you stick up for yourself as she grows up. You're breaking the cycle.

What a bunch of cheeky entitled fuckers!

Stay strong op, and tell your sister to take a hike

@Grinch123 are you ok? Hopefully your sister hasn’t come round and upset you too much? Stand your ground - don’t let her bully you into doing what she wants.

Good for you! I don't have close family (dead bastards) but I am lucky to have close friends who are family to me. I'm pretty poor, upbringing was poor and it's partly my fault but also due to circumstances outside of my control - health. Anyway! I sometimes get quite expensive gifts from friends which I would never be able to afford for myself and cannot afford to reciprocate, but I can buy them presents and it is part of the joy of the Christmas season for me to buy gifts for those people I love.

It's not easy when you don't have much spare cash but it can be done and I pick up things throughout the year if I see something that I think friend A or B will like. Yes, there are chocolates for if there is nothing else and there are charity shops where you can find, to your surprise, the perfect gift. I'm not some sort of martyr queen of gift giving it's just something I want to do for those who I care about. If I had the sort of income you do I'd almost certainly be doing what you are because of the joy of it. The joy disappears though if it's not appreciated and clearly these people don't appreciate you because if they did they'd want to do things for you too. No money at all? When they come to yours they do the washing up or they have creative skills and set up the table beautifully. They could just find things to do for you that say "Thank you, I love you too." and the fact that they aren't makes me want to slap them upside their ungrateful and selfish stupid heads.

You deserve more. Yes, look after your daughter and yourself. If it makes you feel good to share the love then there will be charities who would love some help from you whether it be donations of money or buying gifts that can be given to poor families, single people with no one else, children who won't get anything without donations of money/gifts. That way you'd be helping make Christmas better for other people so that they don't have the horrible Christmases you had when you were young. Of course, you don't have to do anything other than look after yourself and your daughter! I'm only suggesting it because you clearly have a big heart and clearly want to share what you have with others. If it makes you happy, charity is just another way of doing that safe in the knowledge that although you may not meet the people you've helped they will be grateful that you and others like you exist and want to help them.

In short, you are a lovely person and you deserve to be treated with kindness, respect and love. Excuse my language but fuck your family. They are grasping, selfish fuckers. Good grief asking for a £400 lego set and then trying to figure out if they can see it under your photo of your tree. They are so bloody entitled! I wish you the loveliest of Christmases. You deserve all the love and happiness and I am sure that you will have just that with your daughter wherever you and she decide to go this year.

Have a wonderful Christmas.