To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

This isnt about them its about you.

You do not have to please everyone all of the time. You are a people pleaser, born from a past toxic experience, you want everyone to be happy at the expense of your own happiness. They know they all use it to full advantage and are now just using you.
You are a better person than any of them, you are free to stop this whole charade.Only when you do this will they pause to realise what they have lost in their greed.
FREE YOURSELF FROM THESE AWFULL PEOPLE.

\One year I was so fed up of pleasing everyone but being neglected myself that i decided to just not do it again. The next year i worked with a charity cooking Christmas dinner in village hall for lonely elderly people.....and guess what ... i had the best time ever, I felt appreciated and happy to be giving my time to those who needed it.

Make this year about YOU.
If you must still do the whole xmas day thing, remove the gifts. Do the meal do the entertaining be the hostess with the mostest but make it about togetherness and not about materialism.It will confuse the hell out of them!
OR BUY THE FERRARI
BOOK THE HOLIDAY
SOD THEM ALL

Hoping you and your daughter have a magical Christmas! Sounds like you are modelling excellent behaviour to her on how to stand up for yourself and not let others who don’t appreciate you take advantage of you. Definitely book some therapy for January so you get some support as I doubt that your leech family will make this easy on you! And spoil yourself and your little one this Christmas as it sounds like you both deserve it! Think how special Christmas can be in the future when you aren’t trying to look after all of those unappreciative leeches - you and your daughter will make special memories and traditions!

They are being really crappy and thoughtless! Also definitely buy yourself some amazing gifts! I always do! My family do buy me lovely gifts but I know they are not mind readers and might not know exactly what I want so I always buy myself something I really wanted and then anything they give me is extra. You so deserve an amazing present, I do hope your friends give you something lovely and thoughtful, don’t let your family be-little you! Big hugs for being such an amazing and kind person, they do not deserve you!

Stay strong OP!

Book somewhere beautiful to spend Christmas on a beach or take your DD to Disney world, it’s magical over Christmas!

After so much thinking time, surely you feel like an early night in bed with your book?
Don’t let them talk you round!

Op them being skint is no excuse. I'm a single parent, I work a not so great job and get help with UC and I always make sure the people near me have thoughtful, interesting gifts, I just put more effort in them money and often make things. If they can't even do that but expect so much in return they aren't people you want around your baby.
They aren't your village and they don't have your little families best interests at heart so they aren't worth having about.

I think going abroad is a great idea, or look and see if theres any single parent meet ups near you? There's a few near me before the actual day and the one I went to last year was so much fun.

As for your family now trying to contact you and just show up at your house text back that you don't wish to see her and her showing up now when you have removed the gravy train will be seen as manipulation which is unforgettable

If I had a Christmas just me and a toddler and no strict budget I think I would go on a Disney cruise. Focusing on the wrong part but SO many options for an amazing Christmas that will feel so festive and special.

I'm so happy you've stood up for yourself! Enjoy your holiday and making new traditions for you and your daughter

Ohhhh okay I'm going to google it right now, I never thought I'd do that due to always hosting but Disney might be perfect! 💜

If you want beach, Caribbean or Maldives that time of year! Plenty of islands in both with plenty for you and little one to do!

Take all presents upstairs, turn downstairs lights off, put PJs on. If you can't get away with not answering the door, then at least it will look like you were in bed, so no need to invite them in.

If one or more of them are coming over now, please hide the gifts! They may well be planning a snatch and run. Nothing would surprise me. Is there a lockable cupboard or shed?

www.thetimes.com/article/06067772-4c9b-11ee-974b-e2b9321088c0?shareToken=fe49fee1b28d98350302e52fe53a1a34

I second this! I’ve been to Disney close to Christmas and it was incredible - I’m sure your DD would find it so magical!

On second thoughts… Caribbean sounds much better than rainy Lancs!!! lol. You are doing the right thing, just stay strong!!!! Oh and lock your doors, pop some loud music on (Christmas if you can bare it) and reply in 1 1/2 hours saying “sorry I was chilling in a hot bubble bath mentally ordering some new bikinis and thinking of cocktails!”
Then make sure Every.Single.Post on your socials are either asking for holiday clothes suggestions (eg “where can I buy nice bikinis at this time of year, Asda doesn’t seem to have any”) or a lovely countdown to “Christmas cocktails on the beach with my girly!!!” X

Fine when siblings were teens you wanted them to have what their peers had, but what’s stopping them getting jobs now that they’re adults?

It is not ok for your to be splashing out on them all like this when they can’t even muster any gratitude. Cut them all off they’re using you.

Well done @Grinch123
Clean slate - start building some lovely Christmas traditions with DD. One I do with my children is every year we get a new Christmas story and a new tree decoration. I would highly recommend the book The Fourth King by Ted Sieger as your storybook for 2024 - it might need to be secondhand as it’s out of print. It tells the story of a slightly hapless king with a heart of gold trying to reach Bethlehem to visit baby Jesus - along the way all the gifts he has packed end up being given away and he arrives at the stable empty handed. I think you might find some peace this year in giving the panto/lights tickets and any gifts you can’t return to people who otherwise wouldn’t have any Christmas magic. Happy Christmas.

I haven’t read all the posts except yours OP and I love this response, although I think you’ve been almost too polite 😂

You sound like a lovely, very generous person with tight as fuck relatives, who are mean spirited, fancy not even buying your DD a gift, at 3 years old, gifts don’t have to be expensive, even a couple of small stocking type gifts would be nice for her to open and shows they’ve thought of her and to turn up at yours for Xmas with nothing for you is appalling.

Enjoy your trip away wherever you go x

DO NOT CAVE
Tell dsis you have had enough and will not reconsider.

I wouldnt even do Christmas with them! I'd return as many of their gifts as possible and donate the rest.

Then I'd book a lovely little cottage somewhere with a nice log fire and have someone decorate it all up for me and go there for a magical xmas with your little one.

Oh dear, the sound of the rug (of expensive presents) being pulled from underneath her is ringing loudly in her ears!

You sound extremely lovely. Stay strong. No over-explaining. I’m so happy to think of you and your little one having a magic, sparkly Christmas together somewhere gorgeous.

Don't give anything to these CFers - no presents, no panto or Lights...nothing. If you want to join in with secret Santa send something small (or the whisky!) but not sure why you'd do that if you're not around. Time to stop this exploitation and selfishness. They see you as the goose that laid the golden egg.

If you can't get to Oz there's plenty of other last min Xmas hols available abroad - do you want sun or snow? How about a nice country/seaside cottage in the UK? Donate the gifts to charity, sell on ebay or get refunds. Definitely go to Coldplay and sing along.

It’s just amazing over Christmas, let me know if you need any tips. The weather is still nicely warm too usually and ideal if it’s just the two of you, lots to do and would make amazing memories!

Jesus. What a bunch of entitled, selfish arseholes. I'm so sorry OP. Totally agree with the others. Cancel the lot, give the gifts to charity or send them back/keep them/whatever. Start looking after yourself and fuck the lot of them. So horrible. You sound lovely and they're just treading on you and expecting you to apologise for it. You've done enough.