To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

it’s not about the money - it’s about the fact that your family expect gifts from you but don’t return the thought. The fact that they request really expensive gifts just makes it worse.
i agree with returning as much as you can - they said they wanted to do secret Santa and adults don’t need gifts - so by that logic they can’t be expecting a gift from you can they? Then spend the money on yourself - or even just spend it to relive the burden on you - use it to pay for jobs around the house or buy a few extra days annual leave and use the time to chill.
then next year say you are happy to stick with the secret Santa which everyone want to and refuse to go back to the old way of you buying for everyone.

How can they all sit there opening lavish gifts with you; the provider, not opening anything. Not even a box of chocolates. How are they not embarrassed? And to buy nothing for your little one. Small children are a delight to buy for as there are usually hundreds of offers and mostly anything makes them happy. It's the worst kind of mean - mean of spirit

You do need to turn off the tap. It's not your responsibility to provide for them. I am glad you have found the courage to call them out on their entitled grabby behaviour. Have a wonderful break away.

Keep us posted.

Good for you OP!

Sell the tickets and donate the rest. Have a fabulous Christmas with your DD. We are having our own first Christmas (me and the DC) this year and I can't wait!

Bloody bravo OP!!!! Just a thought but women’s aid or a local kids charity might really welcome those gifts - put every penny, bit of energy and thoughtfulness going forward into DD. Muting the group is good and just develop a ring of steel around you two now. Their drama is NOT your problem.

Do not back down. THey've been pissing on you for years while you do all the slogging, planning, gifting, spending ...

Hope you and your DD have a lovely break away.

It’s not surprising that they’re uncomfortable with the lady bountiful act

So uncomfortable they give the op wish lists of expensive items, hint during the year, make digs during the year if they don't get them ....and have decided to do secret Santa after giving their wishlist and having a good idea she's already gotten the gifts???

Looks like they expect her to retain the gifts and give them to.them, while accepting one SS gift for herself. Because they won't even get her a crappy gift each anymore. Probably because they reckon they shouldn't have to, because they "can't" afford it and think they shouldn't have to spend their money on someone who it's peanuts to.

Same attitude they have to her daughter.

The only thing you missed in that text OP was telling them to fuck off and sending a picture of the present you bought yourself - a fucking Ferrari 😂😂.

Like the first poster said, they’re cunts. Your idea of Christmas is the same as ours, but everyone participates!

I'm so glad you stood up for yourself OP!!

Good for you! They were using you and you are right to put a stop to it. You don’t need money to show someone you value them - you can bake something, write something meaningful in a card, volunteer your time to help them with something but your family see you as a cash cow and this is not right. On top of that making you feel guilty for your educational success and income. I don’t know you OP but feel proud that you were the first in your family to go to university and to do well financially. Stay strong for your child and be a positive role model for her in the way that you stick to your guns. They will try their best to make you feel guilty but you know you have nowt to feel guilty about - you have gone above and beyond to support them and create memories for them and they don’t deserve it. Hope you have a lovely Christmas with your child away from them all 🎄

I've only got to this point in the whole thread but wanted to jump in. I'm also a single parent and I'm taking my kids away for two weeks this Christmas.

You could take dd to somewhere amazing like Antigua or elsewhere in the Caribbean.

You could also go skiing or somewhere snowy like Scandinavia.

Seriously sack them off and do it!!!

Just another saying well done Op for sticking up for yourself. I had an abusive childhood and it’s hard. Use the money for therapy, lovely holidays and your DD.

Thanks all. This thread is really good at keeping me distracted and not feeling so alone right now!

Everyone has read the message, no replies. Missed call from DM, and DSis called, I didn't reply, and now apparently is on her way over.

Friend in Aus isn't around, I'm now googling beach holidays in the Caribbean 😂

Very late to this thread, and it's probably already been said, but they basically gave you permission to do this by saying 'adults don't need gifts'. I can't believe they said that after having told you what gifts they wanted! What they really meant was 'you' don't need gifts.

Hope you and your dd have a lovely Christmas. I've had lots of Christmas's just me and dd.

Also OP - you and your DD can have wonderful Christmas’ just the two of you. Its definitely not about the size of the party - she will definitely have better childhood memories of nice Christmas’ spent with you doing things you enjoy than adult relatives upsetting her mum and being selfish. think of all the energy you put into your relatives day - if you put even half of that into the Christmas with DD you’ll have some amazing memorable Christmas’!

Congratulations on your achievements OP and all that you have overcome.
You are amazing. It seems that they have got to the stage where they are taking you for granted

Good for you. The Caribbean sounds like a great idea.

Good job OP, cheering you on. I'm the daughter of a single mum and I LOVED Christmas just the two of us. One of my best memories is of when I was 16, had my first job and had saved up to buy loads of stuff for my mum to treat her (knowing she'd done the same for me as she always did). I was so excited to see her opening gifts that I'd bought with my money I'd earned, it made my year. I knew to do that because she'd raised me in an environment where she expected some respect and didn't tolerate family/boyfriends etc offering her crumbs, so I knew how to treat her. Kids learn from what we show them so show your daughter that you are worthy of special treatment as much as anyone else is. 💪💪💪

Classy message ❤️❤️

You’re a star, OP. Merry Christmas xx

Omg, you are my absolute heroine! Bloody outstanding! No to lending money, cold Turkey on that. Samaritans or Barbados all the way for donating gifts. I frequently buy from charities via eBay, just bought a lovely leather belt and my usual moisturiser.

Your message is brilliant, you’ve told them without saying that you aren’t giving them massive presents or hosting future Christmas days, massively well done. Don’t listen to flying monkeys (guaranteed someone will claim someone else is sick/broke, tough shit, frankly). Now it’s the hard bit when you get emotional blackmail/demands for the presents they know you have etc. Stand firm, or they’ll be like vultures.

If you have a local school your daughter will be going to maybe some of the gifts with be great for their Christmas raffle.

I hear private school is a good reason you will no longer be spending money on others as you need it for that.

If you’re going to let Sis in, please hide the presents upstairs. I wouldn’t past her to try and take the Lego Xbox away when your head’s turned.

Don’t let them come round and bully you into doing what suits them, OP. They’ve had too many chances. The cheek of them and their constant digs and demands whilst relying on your generosity.

Good on you for finally giving your family what they deserve!

You’re little one will have the most magical Christmas and she will have a happy mummy who isn’t putting up with vile people and taking every dig they throw at her!

Now whatever you do stay strong. Do not let them guilt you into changing your mind. Do not let tears, comments, insults or threats make you turn back!

And most importantly I hope you and your daughter have the best Christmas ever!

I would not be responding to the door this evening.