To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

Yes they can. For one person hence secret Santa?

and for the party. I would have guess them saying thank you is enough? They surely don’t owe her something now? Do they?

It isn’t fair op. But you already know that. Please don’t be sad. If they can’t, they can’t…

Is totally self focussed and entitled a love language now?

I’ve zero issues financially and love giving gifts but even if he telling someone to FO if they requested this!!!! It’s a months rent to some people that! I wouldn’t even buy my own children it!!! But it says a lot more about the OP than her family in the fact she bought it!!

That's brilliant OP, well done!

@Grinch123 . I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want!

Of course there are people genuinely broke and unable to buy anything all at Christmas. However ,I’m wondering if your family is like my sibling who is always broke and stressed about money yet somehow manages to pay for items she wants including unnecessary purchases.

So I can’t help feeling that there’s a touch of ‘can’t be bothered’ as much or more so than ‘can’t afford anything’. It’s that bit that’s hurtful as it’s possible to buy something funny/useful for 50p in a charity shop. As we know, however, there’s nowt so queer as folk along with a life lesson about boundaries.

we do secret Santa with both my family and my in laws but a none blood family member would never have been the one to initiate it that’s massive CF territory, do Xmas as normal with the rest and they can do secret Santa and miss out on the other presents

Sorry to say that they're jealous and have no respect for you op. They're also not decent people. If they were they wouldn't take advantage. I think your message is great. God luck and have a fab break away. Spend your money on you and your dd.

Oh god this! It’s not surprising that they’re uncomfortable with the lady bountiful act - and it is an act, you’ve said yourself that you are trying to make Christmas like something in a film.

You even told us what you’ve bought so people can tell you how wonderful and generous you are.

Continuing to do what you’ve always done won’t get you what you want, so stop.

Well done @Grinch123 that is brilliant. What a load of selfish greedy freeloaders they are!

Dont you dare back down. We FORBID you!!!

I hope you get to go to Sydney or somewhere equally fabulous and have a brilliant Christmas.

They will phone in tears. How could you cause such upset!? But fuck the lot of them. Ungrateful bastards.

Wow your family really are a bunch of the most ungrateful, disrespectful assholes! They are using you to buy them things they can't be arsed to work hard for to get themselves and making fun of you for wanting to have even just one small present to open yourself. They are disgusting people OP I'm sorry because I know they are family but they are taking the piss out of you big time! Stop spending you hard earned money and energy on people who treat you like shit and treat yourself instead!

I was so hoping someone would clap back at this one! :)

Oh, and don’t you dare give/lend them any money!!

Perfect message @Grinch123

There are lots of ways to show someone you value and respect them that don't cost much money. Your family are too selfish to even do that for you.

I'd post a picture on WhatsApp of the tree with nothing underneath it. No need for words.

If you've not sent the message canceling Xmas, don't. I would not explain anything. You owe them nothing. Just say you are not hosting Xmas, and that's it. Explaining, justifying, etc., will get you on their gravy train again. Send the Secret Santa gift, inquire around through charities for local families in need. If you tell them you're on vacation, and they've seen the gifts under the tree they'll expect to be picking those up, or you hosting when you return, etc.

As for the bottle of whiskey, do your siblings drink? My first thought is they suggested the bottle of whiskey so they could drink it on Xmas day. They weren't thinking of you at all.

Enjoy your new Xmas tradition. Your daughter will love however you spend it as long as she's with you!

Well done @Grinch123 from yet one more an internet stranger cheering you on from the sidelines! (There’s quite a crew of us, it seems!)

I’m absolutely flabbergasted at the brass cheek of your family: you deserve so much better than than, and I’m so glad you’ve seen it.

Believe in yourself and your own value, and don’t let them drag you down or continue to diminish you. You’re worth so much more. Focus on building a new type of Christmas for you and your dd, not based on some kind of Hollywood movie ideal, but choosing things that make you and her properly happy. Have fun, and enjoy removing the toxicity and negativity from your lives!

Well done @Grinch123 . It is very hard to stand up to a difficult family and to change patterns of behaviour you have been in for a long time.

It's so much better for your daughter not to be exposed to this grabby dysfunction.

Well done for booking your break.

Our family are all overseas (other side of the world so too far/expensive to travel). We are blessed with amazing friends but they spend Christmas with their families. I have never expressed that we feel alone over Christmas (maybe I should).

When we had kids we started a Christmas tradition of going away. On the last day of school we pack the car and drive to the snow - stopping at as many Christmas markets as we can find along the way. We spend Christmas in a small (10 bedroom) chalet / boutique ski lodge. Luxury enough that I feel like I am on holiday, and relaxed enough that the kids feel like they are at home. Santa finds us there every year. There are usually 3 or 4 (unrelated) families staying there, the kids instantly make friends, and some years we get cross over with the same families. My kids are now 10 and 8 and, for them, this is Christmas and they treasure it.

Well done! I’m taking some courage from this as I’m about to have to lay out some boundaries with my own mum and am really struggling. You’ve given me a wee boost!

I hope it all goes OK for you. I’m sure you’re going to get a storm of responses; just keep in your mind that you are not in the wrong here, you’re not the cruel one, and you’re not the one being unfair.

OP, your response to them is great, though I would leave out the money/financial aspect of it personally. Your family sound like absolute users. I'm a single parent and also crave the big family Xmas's I see or read about. I have, however, a dysfunctional family, in that no one can be in the same room without arguing after a few hours. There are only myself three children (18, 16, 11) and I, my sister, DH and two DD and my parents. No one else involved and no friends who ever think to involve my little family of four. However they are the greatest company and we have learnt to enjoy our Christmas's alone. Don't spend any more of your hard earned cash on them! They sound bloody awful. Enjoy the holiday with your DD instead. You'll know if they're genuine or not by the end of December!

Hi OP,

they are milking you dry like a cow. Do not let them. They don’t appreciate you and your efforts and the saddest part is that they feel entitled to it all.

I personally would cancel everything and let them to their own devices. No one can be helped if they don’t want.

Good luck.

@Grinch123 Please try not to think like this. You sound lovely & your DD won’t see any Christmas with her mummy as tiny. I promise. All she wants is to be with you.

I’m a single mum too with no family. It’s just me & my DD (8) on Christmas Day but she loves it, we’ve made our own traditions & she’s never ever mentioned it not being great.

I make a massive effort the whole of December to do stuff that involves my friends & their kids (wreath making, breakfast with Santa, Christmas party, pizza express, other meals, panto, cinema, loads) so for 1 day on Christmas Day just us is fine.

You absolutely don’t deserve how you’re being treated. I mean this kindly but in life, we get treated how we allow ourselves to be. Get refunds for what you can & (nicely, if you want) tell these selfish, piss taking relies to fuck off.

Then have a lovely Christmas with your DD.

Can I just say OP. I’m spending Xmas away from
home, so
of you like dogs (and Sydney falls through) and you fancy 5 days in Lancs over Xmas let me know!!! I do have someone coming in
to sort said dogs but seriously if you need a bolt hole PM me xx

You win the internet today 👏👏😂