To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

If you know you're still going to host at least return or donate the gifts and join in secret Santa! Fuck them. If they are disappointed on Christmas day then they know how you feel now!

Oh no OP you need to cut these scroungers out, you don't owe them anything and you're not responsible for them. They won't change so you have to x

My exSIL unilaterally decided "adults don't need presents" the moment she had kids, despite being well off. ExH and I were suffering from infertility, which she knew. Basically meant we didn't get any presents from his side of the family, despite being expected to spend loads on their multitudes of children

Left a really sour taste. Christmas brings out the absolute worst in some people

Well done OP 🎉 now go and enjoy a wonderful Christmas with your DD!

@Grinch123 wow! well done you! your phone will be lit up like a christmas tree for the rest of the night and tomorrow! I wouldnt actually host them again and as for lending money! they should be ashamed of themselves for even asking so that will be an immediate no no no!!

I take my last
post back!! You absolute legend!!!! Also you are
teaching your little one the importance of presence not
presents!! Do what’s best for you two and screw everyone else!!!

Well done but I think that will go down like a lead balloon!

Well done!

Is DD in nursery? I'd donate the panto tickets to them if they are doing a Christmas fayre so they can raise some funds, if not a charity.

Never lend money, everytime they ask for money stick £100 in DDs bank account shell soon be loaded, save up for her future uni fees or a house deposit

Good for you @Grinch123 . I am proud of you 😊

My thought, even if they were pleasant people that's a lot to expect one person to buy!

Will you get more genuine thanks from your family or from acquaintances in a WhatsApp group? Unless you really want to go with your family I'd offer the tickets to other people.

This is a fantastic message. Hope you don’t get too much anger from this! Well done x

They are absolute cheeky fuckers for asking for such expensive gifts BUT you’ve also been a bit of a mug letting it get this far, haven’t you? People only take advantage if you let them.

Oh OP I just wanted to say I think you’re utterly BRILLIANT. Well done you for giving them the proverbial middle finger and prioritising yourself and your DD.
They will regret the outcome of their actions but you need to be prepared for them never actually taking responsibility for it - you will likely be vilified. Stay strong.

Well done OP. I hope you have a fantastic time with your DD over Christmas. Your family doesn't deserve you. One doesn't need to spend thousands to show someone they care and appreciate them. We had our church Christmas fayre last week; There were so many new things that had been donated and sold for a fraction of the original price.

No. This family love gifts, they have lists of expensive items that they openly ask OP to buy for them. They never gift her daughter anything though, and they have now decided that although they still expect to receive the gifts they have asked for, the secret Santa will have to do for the OP. So it’s all one way traffic with them, it’s nothing to do with love languages at all.

Be prepared for them to pull out all the stops to guilt trip you OP. These people have no self-respect, no low is too low for them. They feel entitled to take you for everything and anything you have. Expect the 'woe is us' dramatics. Basically, they are all wankers.

Well done OP. Think of what your teaching your Dd. To value people who genuinely want to be in your lives and love you, not your money or how much you can buy them. Going forward stick to the no money loaned rule, your a cash cow for them atm and have encouraged it so for them to value you and dd for you you need to take this but out of the equation to set it right.

.

I don't know you but I am just so proud of you! Have a lovely Christmas! Your DD will remember only having such a special time with her mum.start new traditions that work for you.

Your message is perfect. Especially the last bit.

I'm just boggled that someone on a limited income thinks that a £400 Lego set is more important than anything else. I vividly recall being very skint as an adolescent and DM struggling to pay for heating, new sheets, shoes for me... Lego didn't enter the bloody picture.

Well done, OP. I think it's very easy for an oldest sibling to fall into the role of caring for everyone if the family is dysfunctional. I know someone in this position and some of her siblings treated her very badly - some still do, others have improved with adulthood.

Sorry OP but you need to stop, they're only in it for themselves. I know your inner child is desperately looking for love but look for it in a new place. Return as much presents as you can, spend the money on you and have a solo Christmas, absolutely do not back down

Imagine the face of the kids or adults who get an actual $400 Lego set or a branded puffer jacket from their charity present, they will have their faith in the universe restored. I cannot even.

lol id be donating their time on GMBs 1000000 minutes thing…. Something along the lines of
”Aunty sue, merry Xmas!! This year I hope you’ll be pleased that I’ve donated 30 mins of your time to sit with XYZ in the local care home to watch tv, I’m sure you’ll both be delighted with this gift”. Can’t see them liking it but I’d be happy with my “present” to them!! Xx

I really wouldn’t send that message. It’s just going to cause drama and a very stressful and hurtful few weeks for you as they lash out or try to manipulate their way back into your purse. Certainly don’t tell them that you don’t intend to help them out in the future. They are just going to portray this as you having a strop over Christmas presents or try to guilt you into giving in.

I would just send a message saying that on reflection you think they are right, adults don’t need gifts, and Secret Santa is a great idea.

Nothing more. Don’t mention the tree presents.

You ought to let them know that you aren’t hosting Christmas so they have time to make plans but I might separate that out and give it a day or too so it doesn’t look like retaliation. I would probably pitch it as you’ve just had great news, an invitation to Sydney, so you’ll pop in with the secret Santa gift to see them before you leave. Keep it disconnected from presentgate.

Go and have a fantastic holiday. Then figure out in your own time whether you want to go NC or how you want things to be in the future. There is absolutely no need to tell them you won’t be lavishing them with gifts any more or lending them money. Don’t give them any ammunition to make drama.

If you decide you do want to continue having a relationship, leave it to them to ask about the big gifts. Play innocent and tell them you thought you were going to just do Secret Santa from now on. Don’t tell them you’ve donated them.

Just say no if they ask for money. You can’t afford it any more with the CoL crisis and now you are a mum. Don’t tell them now.