To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

You sound like a lovely caring person.
Personally I wouldn't cancel the lovely time together but cancel the gifts apart from your secret Santa and get something equally as shit. Maybe then they'd realize.

Just read your update, so proud of you! I’m also a single parent and we have previously been away for Christmas partly to avoid the sadness or anger at the forced fakeness having to pretend, have a bloody brilliant time!

Well done op. Stay strong. 🎁🎁🎁

Thirding this!!

They need to understand that their decades of money-grabbing and entitlement has had a negative affect on you emotionally and you are just not willing to raise your DD in the same crushing environment.

Your successes are your and DD's to enjoy.

Have fun starting new Xmas traditions for yourselves.x.

I'd have message the group and said 'excellent idea'. Christmas costs me a fortune. I've kept all the receipts and easy for me to return everything - so absolutely count me in for Secret Santa.

Even if you can't return the stuff and donate it to charity - that's 100% what I'd be replying with a big thumbs up and smiley face!

Did you say that they used to laugh at you if you opened presents in front of them? How did you feel when they did that, and how did you internally smooth over it so you could continue to give and give to them?

I'm sorry you are going through this. They are taking the piss. Write them off. I hate to think of your twisting yourself into a pretzel to make them all happy. You host them for a week?? That alone is a ticket into heaven. Build a life for yourself and leave them behind. Life is too short.

Well done OP>

And you could regift that whiskey to your secret Santa recipient.

@Ellmau absolutely this!

Keep things you’d like/ use. Return what you can. Sell what you can’t. Work on your own self esteem. Maybe try no contact until you’re in a healthier place.
edit: I love the idea of re-gifting the whiskey to whoever you get.

’Adults don’t need presents’ ?? All the while they are handing you lists of expensive gifts they want for themselves and not giving you or your child anything? Freeloading bastards the lot of them.

Ɓe prepared for some horrible responses from them but hold firm OP and enjoy your Christmas with your little one

Well done OP. Prepare for excuses and moaning and wailing and weeping.

Hold firm - remember, these are the people that couldn't even buy your little girl something to open on Christmas Day.

I didn't read the full thread. My bad!

Well done OP!

I reckon the messages sent back will be practically begging you not to do this - under the guise of 'well if it means that much to you we will just buy presents!'

This is definitely the way to go.

HRTFT

so they’ve decided on secret Santa, knowing you’ve already splashed out…. So they get loads and you get fack all??? Have they done this purposely? If they have or you even think they have then wow! Pure nasty manipulation.. maximum treats/ gifts for them with next to no effort made for you!! It’s not even about the £££ spent.. it’s the sheer lack of thought, effort and imagination that hurts in situations like this!!! I could go out and buy myself a lovely pair of diamond earrings anytime… if I got a little cheap pair of pretend sparkly pink diamond earrings from Claire’s that cost hardly anything from a family member, id
cherish them forever! (Only exception to this is the year I got a jade goody exercise video!!!) so I agree with people saying don’t bother this year…. But…. Why should you change who you are and lower yourself to their levels just cos they don’t think the same as you!?? They don’t deserve it no, but you know in your heart you’ve been true to yourself 💐💐💐💐💐

Wwll done OP. You're doing the right thing.

Don’t worry about having Christmasses just the two of you - so many ways you can make it lovely! You can start new traditions for the two of you. Have a wonderful Christmas🌲

That's a really brave step OP, well done. It's very sad that your family takes you for granted but you have a lovely little DD who you can teach to do better.

I also sometimes fall into the trap of running myself ragged putting in lots of thought and effort into people who wouldn't dream of doing the same for me. It never works and just leaves me feeling resentful. It's much better to match their energy and remove the pressure on myself and my unrealistic expectations from them.

I'm sure they will rage, but so what? It's not like they can treat you more crappily than they do already.

Don't for one second feel bad about any of this OP. They will be out in full force trying to guilt trip you.

Give the tickets to a local children's home or charity - this could make a really special day for people really in crisis.

This sounds difficult!
I am so sorry they treat you like this!
But, have you considered you guys may have different Love Languages?
The theory is we show love in five different Languages; Words of affirmation, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Gifts and Physical Touch.
We all prefer one language more than the others, and prefer to show and receive love in different ways.
You obviously have Gifts as your «mother tongue», whilst your family may show love in a different matter, and truelly don’t see the point in gifts.
Personally I don’t care much about presentasjon at all. I’d much prefer a nice compliment in a card🤍.
Worth a read, maybe?
Good luck! I really hope you end up with a lovely xmas, whatever you choose to do in the end.

Cancel it all. Stop enabling them all to be as they are.

You're trying to create something that sadly isn't actually real in your family. For them it isn't about being together or being kind, considerate.

For them this magical day that you trying to create is just about the money/gifts you spend on them.

Do something nice for yourself instead.

Are there any addiction issues?
There's many families on benefits and they can manage to afford presents. Money might be tight but people still manage.

Cold turkey, definitely. They clearly all regard you as their personal cash machines. Tell them you have to save the money for your daughter's future now, and you felt they would like to work on standing on their own two feet rather than being constantly propped up by you.

First off- I’m proud of you! That might sound weird coming from a stranger on the internet but I am.
I’ve been in such a similar position.
I am the eldest of several. Quite a disrupted, dysfunctional lot, my family, but my life went in a different direction. I worked really really hard to carve out a different life for myself. I’m a single parent too and it’s always been really important to me that my daughter knows she is unconditionally loved and appreciated for who she is not what she has.
My whole life my family have behaved as though I’m ‘lucky’ for the life that we’ve had rather than acknowledging that it’s been down to hard work and the choices that I’ve made.
When life dealt us a shit hand and life became difficult and I had to give up work to care for my daughter my ‘family’ couldn’t have cared less other than the fact that I no longer had the money to bail them out all the time.
I learned a harsh lesson, but in the long run, life has been far richer and more joyful as a result. Our friends are like family to us and we have people around us who we love spending time with and the relationships we have are reciprocal ones which is what matters.
We are spending Christmas on our own this year but making different plans and setting different traditions of our own. We’re going to go to an 11pm Christmas service on Christmas Eve, then have a midnight feast/ snack ( daughter’s idea!) then lie in bed and read stories.
A little lie in, stockings in bed, and a morming in our PJs playing games and stuff. Mid afternoon we have loose plans for meeting a friend for a walk in the park with her dog and daughter’s scooter or maybe a walk on the beach. Then home for whatever we’ve decided we want for Christmas dinner then Christmas telly!
in the lead up to Christmas we will see family but for a low key hot chocolate in a cafe on neutral territory. And I’ll be getting there early to avoid being lumped with the bill for 11 people!!