To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

Brilliant work, Op. Cheering for you! And yes, small family Christmasses are magical too.

DO NOT give loans of any description to any of them.

I so hope this isn't true. I may not be as wealthy but I had the childhood so I understand why you do it. Im the same but i know it'sappreciated, they're taking the piss and think they deserve it. Fuck 'em.
One year in a raffle I won the biggest Ester egg I've ever seen, about 3 foot tall. I offered it to my DC. They said no-one needs that much chocolate so we donated it to the local children's hospital. That put things into perspective. Perhaps strangely, it's one of my fondest memories.
Give the gifts to someone who deserves them...that includes you and get rid of the CF.

This is brilliant! WELL DONE.

Yes OP! So proud of you!

I would book a lovely Caribbean holiday or similar, don't tell them, switch off your phone and block them on every platform for when they arrive at your door on Christmas day and nobody is home. Leave a box outside your house labelled "for my family" and in there leave them each the cheapest, nastiest Iceland ready meal. That is the calibre of person that they are, the word "pondlife" springs to mind. They are undeserving of your years of warm hospitality and wonderful presents. A PP is correct in saying that they are in fact cunts.

Absolutely seethed for you reading this! HUGE well done on sticking up for yourself. Don’t let them guilt trip you and worm back in - have a fantastic time away and make lovely plans for next year with people who love and appreciate you.

I'd pay a lot to read it!

Well done OP/

don't keep setting yourself on fire to keep those fuckers warm

Sorry op. You sound fucking awesome - generous, hardworking, thoughtful, and they clearly suck. But since they said adults don't need presents, I would throw that back in their face.

They not only don't appreciate the money, but all the energy spent cooking, cleaning, and planning. Please get your money back.

Cancel. Fuck them, ungrateful bastards. Return everything and get yourself a pile of treats instead

Do not give the panto tickets @Grinch123
Gift them to a charity for children with life limiting conditions or a domestic violence charity in fact anything other than your utterly selfish family. They deserve nothing whatsoever. NOTHING 😡😡😡

Do not give them money either, never again. No one knows what the future holds. Yes you are on a good salary, so put ALL of the money you used to give them into your DD’s account. You are not a bank OP X

Yes OP!! That money is for you and dd.
theyre going to be angry, and that’s okay! Let them be. They can channel that energy into improving their own lives.

OP I just came on to say I am SO glad and happy for you that you've seen your family for who they truly are and taken such decisive action. You often see people being taken for absolute mugs on here that don't end up standing up for themselves and continue to get taken for granted, abused, or used. It's so sad that in trying to make all their Christmases happy and magical, they have not reciprocated any thought for you at all. What awful, awful people. I am so sorry and I'm really horrified that people can be so thoughtless and cruel as to not even get you a small token gift. As you've come to realise, it's just not really about the things. It really is the thought that counts. You have given, given and given, you have been so generous and thoughtful and lovely, you've wanted the best for them.
I'm so sorry they can't see that. I do really hope they learn a lesson here and realise you are a human being too, and you deserve humans that reciprocate your love and show it.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, and please don't let them make you feel guilty for this. You will feel guilty because I can tell you are just a good person through and through, but you are 100% right to do this - for them as much as for yourself. They need to learn they can't just take in life - or they will be very lonely.

My wish for you at Christmas is to find YOUR people, who love you for who you are, that bring you joy, and want your Christmas to be just as magical as you love to make theirs xxx

💐

I'd also donate to the local shelter or womans refuge. If you don't know where it is you can phone social services or Womans Aid and offer the tickets/gifts if they will fairly distribute them for you.
💞

Well done Op, you’re awesome 🤩
Enjoy your well deserved holiday and if they even dare to ask for another loan, explain to them that you’re still owed all the other money you’ve loaned them over the years so it will be a No !

@Grinch123 I get it, trying to recreate a ‘family Christmas’ I didn’t have it and my daughter doesn’t sadly, but I walked away. If I don’t contact my parents I did hear from them from one year to the next, it’s shit but I don’t care anymore, spend the money on a nice weekend away somewhere and start putting yourself first!

Sounds perfect. Go and turn your phone notifications off and relax.

I was in a not dissimilar situation to you... then I became very ill and had to give up work. Then one of my children became very ill, my husband's business struggled (due to his caring responsibilities) and my life changed dramatically.

Did those people I had been kind to (in so many ways) for so long show any interest or care? No. I always possibly naively believed that we would all be there for one another, but that wasn't the case.

I have nothing more to do with them now and am happy with that. Sad it just took my serious illness etc. for me to realise I was being taken for a ride.

Yes, 100% this

Well done, OP, and stay strong. My family has been somewhat similar in that some members are jealous of me and also I spend a lot more on them than they do on my. However a couple of differences 1) they do contribute to hosting and buy token gifts for me, and 2) any jealous digs and I stop speaking to them until they apologise and change their ways.
With dysfunctional families you really do have to set boundaries and teach them how to treat you so you won't get walked all.over. Well done for taking the first step with that message, and don't back down.

Nuclear is absolutely the right option, OP & I'm enjoying the thought of their current panic!

This...;

Ugg Tasmans
North Face Puffer
A £400 Lego set (this one almost didn't get bought!)
AirPods
Perfumes (Gucci/Marc Jacobs etc... fairly pricey ones)
A Cineworld subscription thing
Coldplay tickets (if I do go nuclear, I'm keeping these!)
Generous gift cards for Starbucks/Costa etc

...Is the list of possibly the MUMSNET BIGGEST CF'S OF THE YEAR!!!

And they laughed at you for asking for a box of feckin Maltesers??!!

LOVED your message (although mine would have been way less polite 😂)

Stand strong!!

Excellent message.
Your family are toxic and you can't change them.

Change yourself for your daughters sake.
Get into therapy for the new year so that your people pleasing does not rub off on her.

If there are only the two of you, you can have a fabulous tradition of gorgeous holidays for Christmas.

What could be nicer.
Sun or perhaps skiing, so many possibilities.

I would give those outings to friends that can use them.

Family of the type you come from only see ££ signs on your head, that won't change.

They will never add anything to your childs life.
She actually needs protecting from them.

It really isn't family at any cost.
Believe me there are worst things that a small family, much worse things.

You sound like a lovely woman and mother, your daughter is so lucky.

Don't allow people like that near her.

Huge well done OP!! This shows massive strength and I am so proud reading this. Have a beautiful Christmas with your wonderful DD and enjoy every second!

OP you are an absolute hero. Prepare yourself for the guilt tripping you’re about to get and don’t give in. Just remember that if you relent now, this will be the cycle you’ll be stuck in for years. I hope you and your DD have a magical Christmas. Well bloody done x