To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

I second this. Return everything you can, and save everything else for regifting/next year.

Yes you're crazy! You're absolutely batshit for allowing this bollocks to go unchallenged for so long.

Do NOT host any of them over Christmas.

Simple message.

Hi Cunty Mcfucknuggets. Just to let you know, I won't be hosting Christmas this year as DD and I have plans. On reflection, I do think you are right, adults don't really need presents so going forward let's stop buying for the children after 16. Good idea. Hope you have a lovely Xmas! Love, Grinch.

Then either send back their presents, keep them or take them down the food bank and ask them to distribute with the food bags to those who might enjoy them.

If you really want to get up their noses you could put a nice note in the adults cards telling them what donation you made in their name as they were generous enough to say they didn't need presents.

OP you are a star. If Australia doesn't work out (I hope it does, amazing at any time of year!) I know a fab place in Austria which is pretty magical at Christmas and would be lovely with your DD.

And book a holiday!

Vegas and Miami Re great to go to on your own at Christmas. I've done both alone with no regrets.

Rather than post random boy your tickets, when anyone can have them, why not contact a local charity, foodbank or church and ask if they can give them to someone or family who would appreciate them. Where I live those with the million plus houses would happily snap up free tickets. Not saying they can’t have them, but there are so many for whom it would make a difficult time somewhat magical.

Good for you OP. I'm glad you're putting yourself first

They don't buy your little daughter any gifts? Surely that must make your blood boil after everything you do for them? Think about this and harden your heart and do not give them the lovely gifts that you have bought.

I bet there is a ‘offshoot’ family WhatsApp group that’s pinging away with messages now 😂

I would compose a response that I would send to anyone and everyone who comes back to tell you that you've ruined Christmas. Same answer to them all.

"I'm sorry you feel that way. It's clear that you all enjoy my generosity but have little regard for my feelings. I don't think it's healthy for DD to see me as a doormat so I am drawing a line under that behaviour now for her sake. Perhaps we can spend this next year coming up with a plan that works for everyone, because this arrangement no longer works for me. Merry Christmas.'

Enjoy Xmas with your little one make memories just you 2

As someone who also has an extremely disfunctional family I can honestly say that the year I first did it on my own with just my little one was the best. Since then I've built a new family of special people and now I genuinely love Christmas. We're surrounded by people who genuinely love and care for us rather rhan it being a fake montage.

Cancel Christmas and return the gifts, organise something special for yourself over Christmas (e.g. holiday etc), 2025 invest in counselling.
And for your DD, spending Christmas with one loving family member is better than being surrounded by a toxic mess. Forget what you see on TV and SM, make your own traditions.

I absolutely LOVE this ♥️

Glad you stuck up for yourself OP. I hope that once they have calmed down about the fact that they aren’t getting their Uggs and Lego that they reflect on their behaviour and going forward you can enjoy family christmases without the expectation of £££.

Return all their gifts, but still do christmas. Or keep them. Or give the gifts to charity and say as youve done secret santa you gave the gifts to charity for those less fortunate. Set the tone at christmas that youre not doing it anymore.

Let’s not do this.

OP, sell the items on eBay.

Secret Santa is a great idea! Just make sure you stick to it too and don’t give them the presents you have bought.
It can be hard dealing with childhood trauma but you have done so well in life and you will do well with this. Don’t allow people to use you x

I see two options:
*Donate on a parenting app- this would absolutely delight someone who couldn't afford to go. Keep yours and child's, go and enjoy and head off after
*Put in WhatsApp family that you are not doing secret santa, they are right, adults don't need gifts, you just bought experiences for the kids, give them the tickets.

No lending money ever again

Cut them off. Selfish bastards. Don't host again. They are so taking advantage of you. They are missing the point of what you are trying to get through to them, not that you should have to!

Honestly, OP, I'd lose the second paragraph. If they ask for money, say sorry I can't. If they say well next year will be at yours say "no I think I've done my shar of hosting" if they ask about their presents say "what? I thought we were doing secret santa - there are no other presents"

They are workshy lazy grifters who I suspect are bitterly jealous and resentful of you. I suspect their take is that you owe them.
So your response is perfect. You don’t need leeches like this, so spend your time - and money if you so choose - on those who like you , don’t take advantage, and add positively to your life.

This is a good idea. Draft a response for when they come back with the 'all woe is me, you've ruined Christmas etc'

As for their one present each, don't give them uggs or LEGO, some chocolate or smellies will do just fine. Remind them of their words 'adults don't need presents'

I love it!

Don’t do the panto and the lights, unless you want wall to wall digs, needling or emotional blackmail. If you want to give them the tickets then that’s fine but you won’t get any gratitude. I’d take my DD and tell the others that sadly they were part of the non secret Santa so probably best to give it a swerve this year, then sell the extra tickets.

As for the loan- I think you know the answer there- “sorry did you not get my message, my financial resources are focussed on my DD. If you want to send me a breakdown of your monthly expenditure I’d be really happy to help you go through it after Christmas…”

No! Do not offer them the tickets or anything else! Cut them off, the ungrateful tossers.

Cancel and don't give them anything. Bloody leeches