To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

Will you be buying secret santa stuff? If so get tatty crap from a charity shop or dodgy cheapie shop!!!

I was absolutely sickened reading your thread. Do let them know you are going away or at least say you are NOT hosting Christmas i(f you do not manage to get away). Bring round to them before Christmas some absolute tatt and ignore the indignant screams!

Ohh, I just saw this! Interesting development 😉

Glad you’re sticking up for yourself. And when you have that inevitable wobble, just remember you’re showing your daughter how not to be a doormat. She won’t be young forever and she will notice how they treat you and it will be upsetting for her. Best of luck and have an amazing Christmas away 🎄

Well done, I had to do this a few years back and now haven't seen my family for 5 years, it is what it is.

Wow love it! Direct but necessary. They have taken the piss for years.

Rather selfishly I hope you unmute so we can see the responses.

👏👏👏👏👏

Expect a bit of denial and push back. Do not get drawn into details.

Have a bloody brilliant Christmas.

@Grinch123

WOW!! OP!! They send you links to things they want and send reminders throughout the year???? 😡😡😡

Unwrap everything and return, or gift to people in need/charity. Start collecting empty tins of beans, soup, cans of coke. Save empty boxes and food packages or just get some cardboard boxes and wrap them beautifully. Invite them round and do the present opening first, then show them the door. Tell them they have treated you like trash for years, and now it’s your turn. Include a copy of the receipt for the expensive item you bought each person, and tell them you gave the gifts to people who deserve them.

Well done op. Setting boundaries isnt easy. Enjoy your Christmas holiday.

Well done OP but DO NOT READ THAT CHAT. It will be vile, they will call you everything and blame you for everything. Stay strong, and start packing 🏝️

Perfect.
Clear.
No fair reason for family to ‘misunderstand.’

OP if it wouldn't give you the rage to spend time with them, then I'd make the panto and show their Christmas gifts. I usually buy panto tickets for my family and that, and a box of chocs to open on the day or something small, is their gift from me.

But I appreciate it may have got beyond that now.

If it were me I'd be wrapping an IOU for the panto (if after Christmas day) and presenting it as a gift and make not one single mention of anything else I'd bought and wasn't now giving them.

Please don’t be the christmas doormat. Cancel Christmas - go to a friends house, donate to charity what you don’t want to keep.
you don’t have to share the wealth you worked so hard for, stop pandering to freeloaders.

Go you OP!

That's a perfect response.

Remember to leave lots of time & space before you reply to any messages they may send in reply & put your armour as there's bound to be lots of flying monkeys around.

I don’t think they will get nasty. They will want to keep OP sweet for birthdays.

Definitely add this to your message to family!

I hope you have an amazing time away and start new traditions with your dd.

What’s the Lego kit and are you open to offers?

My family used me like that for years, lists given to me for their kids.
Then I had kids, and sis announced we wouldn't be buying anymore...WTF.
So my kids have ever had a birthday or Xmas gift from my folks despite me buying for 6 nieces/nephews until teen/adults.

This year I'm off with my kids to Africa, some sun on our skin, no cooking and hours in the pool. We cannot wait 😎
We pick somewhere different each year and escape the madness!

Enjoy your holiday! And do invest in some therapy 🙂

They are not trying though! They can't afford a box of sweets? Or buy a wee token gift for a baby? Op feeds them over Christmas, she is saving them more out of their grocery budget than it would take to bring a wee something. They are taking the piss.

That’s a great message to them. Enjoy your Christmas time with your dd. Don’t reply to them - you can do an offline holiday time. Say it’s to spend more time with your DD and it starts now. Just saw someone mentioning birthdays - say in advance that you’re not doing gifts anymore because you’ll be making a donation to a local charity instead.

Get out your hard hat OP, you may get some wailing and gnashing of teeth coming your way, along with a few hints or even outright emotional blackmail that people have already spent money because they were expecting to 'borrow' more from you.

Let them take responsibility for their own lives, just as you take responsibility for yours.

edited to add ... and enjoy your lovely small family Christmas.

If you give in, OP, just remember that the “joy” of your magical Christmases past is entirely conditional on your paying shocking amounts for it. If you didn’t have as much money as you have, if you weren’t so generous; your Christmases wouldn’t be joyful. They would continue to be miserable - not because there wouldn’t be enough money to pretend-play at Home Alone style holidays. But because it’s about money and things to your family. Your Christmases have a price tag.

We are comfortably off. I would be appalled and horrified if my DC or nieces or nephews - let alone their parents - ever so much as hinted that they might want AirPods or a £400 Lego set (£400!! For a single gift for a child!!) or Coldplay tickets. Affording it isn’t the issue. It’s extremely distasteful in and of itself, and the fact they don’t buy your child ANYTHING for Christmas or their birthday, but take credit for what you’ve bought, is jaw dropping. Can you see how bad this is?

I’m sorry for you. Your family is horrible.

She already got her secret santa present in the post - a bottle of whisky from an uncle she's never met, and she doesn't drink!

I have read all the thread and feel your pain. I was the sibling with the big job and paid for everything. I rarely got a gift from anyone. Funny how I never see them now I'm not working and disabled.
So I have an idea for you. Have you seen the film 27 dresses? The lead has been a bridesmaid many times all over the world.
I think you could plan 27 Christmases with your daughter. A new country each year. (when she gets older it might not be for her, but hey what a fab opportunity to see how others celebrate).
You can get matching Christmas kit and pack your bags. Send your real friends postcards. Take a bear. My daughter would have loved that. Call it the ho ho trip. You can afford it. Id send everything back I could and give some money to crisis and centrepoint.

Glad you did that. Is there a reason they all don't work?