To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

Well I suppose if they respond to your message about Secret Santa and going away for Christmas with "oh how lovely, so excited for you, and of course we've all bought presents for dd" then you can take them to the panto/lights (and let them know in January that they have to get their own tickets next year). No lending money though.

But if they kick off and get nasty, find other people to take or give the tickets away. That way you've let their actions decide what should happen.

OP, these people bring nothing good to your life.

I know its hard because theyre family. But they are AWFUL to you. What would you feel if your DD was treated like it? Or your friend? You'd tell them to get rid of the parasitic people and spend their precious time with people who love them.

Please, please don't give them any cash again. As for the tickets? You could send them to them, but personally, I'd be making sure they know that the days of them freeloading from you are over because you are (finally!) RAGING furious is a good one.

Tell them you're not going to be giving them things when you never have anything in return, neither will you be hosting as they never return an invite, or contribute in any way. Not about the cost, but about the effort and thought.

I’d honestly do this .

Do you have friends op? Anyone who could go on a mini break away book Xmas dinner and drink champagne with .

Would reply something along the lines of - In hindsight you are absolutely correct, I was being ridiculous adults don’t need gifts & I can afford anything I want. So we are off to xxx have a great Xmas & see you in the new year

So you have hosted Christmas, bought them everything they could ever want, and been a source of advice and cash gifts

.
It ALL needs to stop right now
You have even been giving them the cash to do their Christmas shopping, by the sound of it!
NO!
It all stops RIGHT NOW
But I'd be tempted to tell them on the 20th.
They'd still have time.

DON'T GIVE THEM ANOTHER PENNY AGAIN
The bank of @Grinch123 is closed.

You will have a lovely time just you and DC. Tell the family you are going away even if you aren't.

Perfect
They can't argue with their own logic

Start a wonder nuclear Christmas with just you and DD.

It was just me and my mam growing up and it was AMAZING, we had the best Christmases just the two of us... I also learned my attitude for loving Christmas and the joy of gift giving from my mam, everyone that ever met her said she was the most generous person they ever met.

@Grinch123 massive squishes.

as they take little interest and show no appreciation for you or your child - stop being an unappreciated cash dispenser. They need to learn to cut their coat according to their cloth etc.. budget… get jobs.. get better jobs.

Im the poor friend but what I do instead is make things (flavoured gins, treats, chutneys etc, offer experiences, a little dinner party at mine..

if they weren’t your family - but were old school friends or work colleagues - given how they behave and treat you - would you still have them in your life?

as The great Kwando says - do they spark joy? If not declutter them from your life, find a tribe that adore you both and crack on with a smashing life.

BIL has just announced similar. We, as a family, have always exchanged gifts. We enjoy our little Christmas ceremony. He comes from a much bigger family, they just give each other cash. My sister is going along with it, of course. Me & Mum are pissed off, plus we’ve already bought our gifts… It’s fucking annoying!

Oh fuck this. Give the panto tickets to a local charity and put a big middle finger on a light timer on your front door for Christmas Day when you won’t be there. I wouldn't even tell them your generosity is done.

DH family are all money grabbing twats. I nipped it in the bud years ago. This year we will be sailing around the Caribbean with my parents and sister/bil in the biggest suites the ship has to offer while they all stay at home wondering what they did with their miserable fucking lives. Cheers🍸

🎁
Happy Christmas @Grinch123

Well done, OP. You have a great salary but you’re wasting it on these people. Please save what you’re spending on them for your dd. It will buy her a house, car, travel in future. Think of the bigger picture.

Have yoy WhatsApped them all? Please share what you sent them 😍

@Grinch123 don’t lend or give anyone any more money. Bank of OP is now closed!

Don’t give them the gifts! If you can’t return them keep them to give to other people.

Return the panto tickets or sell them on.

Put a generic message up as PP have said - SS sounds great, DD and I are away this year so let me know where I need to drop mine off.

Requests to borrow money - no, I can't lend you anything further, you already owe me £X. Rinse and repeat.

Be prepared for wailing and moaning and emotional guilt tripping - and with each whinge and whine, remind yourself that these are the people who could not even buy a £10 toy from Smith's for your DD.

You poor darling. Really. What a beautiful effort you sound like you have gone to, and how hurtful. Cancel Christmas, send it all back, and have a fabulous shopping spree with your friends to spoil yourself with things you wouldn’t normally buy. Stop bothering, you’re throwing effort into a black hole. Hugs ❤️

Keep the Lego if you can't get your money back. Your daughter will thank you when she's older.

Keep the Lego and do it yourself! Lego is one of the best Christmas gifts going and, if it is such a large set, is probably aimed at adults anyway so it will be years before your DD can do anything with it.

Okay! It's taken a while but here it is ~ thanks for the input all. Will update with any responses (I've muted it but am extremely anxious and het up so will probably still be watching).

Hi all,

A bit last minute I know but I’ve just booked for DD and I to go away for Christmas for a well-deserved break! I’ve been doing some reflecting and it’s clear the kind of Christmases I host just aren’t working for us anymore. Secret Santa and only having to buy one gift to cover everyone is a great idea, I’m going to make sure my gift gets to the recipient before we go away.

I’m hoping we can find a solution for future Christmases - I’m all out of hosting energy but would love to take it in turns to host, or meet up for a dinner or something as long as we can all find our share of the cash. Going forward all my financial resources will be focused on DD and my future. Happy to share budgeting tips if you find yourself in a tight spot.

You need to get rid of the latent expectation that they will finally wake up and realise they've been awful to you and ask for forgiveness and, essentially, love you like you deserve. It'a kind of a quest for their love, isn't it? This will never happen, I'm sorry.
This Christmas you're trying to create with them, it does not exist. Build the Christmas you love for you. Do you have partner and/or children? Good, loving friends? Focus on them.
I'm sorry, OP, you deserve so much better.
I wish you a truly loving Christmas 💐

Hold onto that rage, @Grinch123.

Make sure they know exactly why Christmas is cancelled.

I'd say something like, "Hi everyone. I've been doing some soul searching and have decided that I don't want to host Christmas this year. DD and I will be going away, just the two of us. I have tried so hard over the years to create magical Christmases for everyone, the kind of Christmases we didn't have when we were children. But I've realised that you don't see it the same way. You want me to lay on these lavish Christmas dinners and buy you £400 presents you could never afford to buy yourselves, but you're too mean to even buy me a cheap box of chocolates so I have something to open on Christmas Day, or something for DD so I don't have to buy her things myself and pretend they are from you. On top of that, I have to put up with constant mean little digs about me, my life, my job and all the rest of it. Well, I'm done. I don't want to spend Christmas with people who don't give a shit about me and just see me as an ATM. That's not the sort of family relationship I want to model for my DD. So you can sort yourselves out this Christmas because we won't be here."

I’d fill up the big Lego box with a few crappy selection boxes and re wrap it. I’d also remind them that DD is only a child and ought to be getting presents from them- supply a list! Then tell them you’re going away.

Good for you - way to go!

I could cry for you - what a pack of selfish, lazy, ungrateful bastards! I want to give you a big squishy hug!

Yes, Secret Santa is a fabulous idea - gets you right off the hook right there. How fucking stupid can people be!

And it would only have taken a tiny bit of thought and consideration.

I hope they have miserable Christmases from now on, and you and your DD enjoy ever single festive season to the max xx

Sounds great op. Can you add a bit about reflecting and agree that adults don't need gifts etc.

Keep us posted with their replies 😊

Just RTFT and delighted to see you decided to go away for Xmas!

2025 New Year NEW YOU!!!!

What a load of entitled shite these people are.

I have relatives who request things like UGGS for their kids and then, without fail, give mine a tenner. This went on years until I had an epiphany and gave them a tenner back. I just had enough of the entitlement - £1000s spent on them over the years - holidays and all sorts - and they NEVER paid for themselves in restaurants, NEVER brought anything when they came over - nothing ever. It just does my head in why people like this decide other people owe them brvsuse they earn more. Take, take, take - that's the mentality. Urrggh.

Perfection.

Give it all to charity and pop off to the Maldives.