To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

Well done! And if you feel yourself wavering, come back and read this thread

I’d go cold turkey on the requests for money too.
They need to learn to live without leaning on you all the time.
You and your daughter can enjoy more treats.

Im not sure about the panto tickets as that’s something we always did at Christmas as a family. Perhaps you could see if your daughters friends would like to go with you both as a treat.

What a bunch of absolute using self entitled arseholes - and their gift request lists .. Jesus I wouldn’t ever have the cheek to “ask” for anything let alone such expensive presents and my mum and step dad are incredibly wealthy.. I still strongly believe in the old adage . “It’s the thought that counts “ my mum still has the linen hankies I bought her (still boxed) and the wicker basket I put them in, from a charity shop when I was a skint student on the bones of my behind..35 years ago . she says it was the most thoughtful present she ever had ..

your “family “ show you no thought at all … they just seem to be full of resentment and seem intent on fleecing you
I hope you take great pleasure in telling them where to stick their secret Santa and Christmas plans this year .. and then delete this bunch of feckwits out of your life .

Oh I am so glad I read all your posts @Grinch123 as you've done exactly what I was going to suggest..

Go away somewhere nice.
Send everything that can't be returned or you don't want to return, to charity - ( as someone who has in the past been a recipient of such things, they are MASSIVELY appreciated, really... it was 20 years ago that someone somewhere put together a box of socks, gloves, smellies and snacks and gave it to a charity who delivered it to me at a young persons homeless hostel and I have NEVER forgotten that!).

Fuck 'em. The ungrateful using cunty fuckers.

Stand firm, they do not deserve you or your generosity.

OP this is so sad to read, you’re trying to buy their love/affection but they’re not even grateful! They should be fucking proud of you and your successes but they just see you as a cash cow. I get you like the idea of a big movie-style family Christmas but do you even enjoy them? Surely for the sake of one day it’s not worth what they are putting you through, you said yourself you had an abusive upbringing. I know it’s easy for me to say but you should be free to enjoy your success however you want and not bankroll your ungrateful entitled family members.

absolutely cut them off, no more loans, handouts or expensive presents. Return what you can and send the secret Santa present then go and start some new traditions and have a new kind of magical Christmas with your child.

Hang about. They did the whole "adults don't need presents, we've decided we're doing secret Santa this year" rigmarole AND they're still openly commenting on the presents you're getting them?

They are beyond awful. If you offered them panto/light show I'd just do a simple "who shall I forward the tickets to, DD and I are going to be in New York" message and if they are cheeky enough to ask about the presents just go "oh, DD and I are doing presents early this year before we go away."

You could put the tickets up for free on local fbook? Not sure how many you bought, but could you give away in pairs or does it have to be all of them?

Someone said about telling them tonight that you will return the gifts and do secret Santa, but I suggest you return /donate them first before telling them anything, so you can't waiver if they call you crying screaming etc.

Get your alternative plans sorted first, holiday etc, before telling them you're going away. So again, they can't make you feel guilty and change your mind.

Sorry about your family op. They really take you for granted. It's time you started your own tradition

All of it stops. Now.

It made me sad when you said in your previous post that the Christmases had been magical previously. For them, yes. But were they for you? I was a massive people pleaser, and considered birthdays/Christmas a “success” if everyone else was happy. I was running myself ragged trying to please people who didn’t give a shit about me.

Yes my circle is smaller, and Christmas is just me and my two children but it’s incredible! I am so much happier (and have more money!). Your needs and wants matter too.

Oh OP I really hope you do follow through on the nuclear option, I'm absolutely fuming on your behalf and I don't even know you. Sending you strength for when you detonate the message bomb, I hope they all realise how selfish they have been! And wishing you a lovely Christmas wherever you and your little one end up 🎄

Hi @Grinch123 im so sorry you’ve been treated this way, it’s appalling your family treats you this way and to not get you a gift is awful, I’ve been in the position of having money and having great pleasure gifting and now through ‘life health events’ being the other side again but just as my mum used to say, to get a card, a bunch of daffs (on Mother’s Day) and her family is all she wanted,

I expect if they gave you nothing but came with genuine good will and just happy to be together than would be everything.

i would not host, you’d be better off on your own with you DD and even now you maybe able to arrange a nice informal get together with your friends just be flexible, perhaps one of those ‘betwix’ days and next year gather a new family around you.

good luck and best wishes x

My family (apart from my dad and one sister) are like this. I'm the one with rh good job and no children, therefore they see me as the family bank.

I cut them all out years ago and it was the best thing I did.

Have a fabulous Christmas with people who love and appreciate you for who you are and not what you can buy for them.

Please please donate the gifts to charity and then give each family member a card informing them their requested gift has been donated to ... And leave it at that. Never spend a penny more on them.
Not only are they using you, they're clearly not that broke if they're asking for non essential items!
If I were broke I'd not be asking for Uggs or 400 Lego, I'd be asking for supermarket vouchers or essential clothing items etc.

I can try and offer around for free on the various local parenting WhatsApps I'm on.

I would offer them heavily discounted rather than free. People will snap them up (I would) and this will stop time wasters and make sure that the people who buy the experiences really want them and use them. Alternatively, depending on where you live, you could ask local family centre/primary school/vicar/citizens advice etc to pass them on to a family that would really appreciate them.

I really want to know what happens now!

@Grinch123
You sound great.

Far too nice for your family, who will never be what you wish they were.

No presents
No panto, no light show - sell the tickets on or gift them
No more loans, now or ever, effective immediately - if you leave it until January, you'll just weaken and let yourself be taken advantage of all over again.

And also, be strong:
No apologies
No explanations
No giving them "just one more chance"

They're adults. They know what they're doing. They have always known. They just don't care.

Echoing lots of others - get therapy to help you process it all, and spend the coming year focusing on your friends and building the "familial" relationships you want with people who aren't related to you by blood, but are a lot nicer and will appreciate you and reciprocate.

Have a wonderful time with DD.

Cancel it, send the presents back ad use the money to go on holiday to the Caribbean

I mean this nicely OP but you're NOT a bank, an ATM or a charity. Stop behaving like a money source.

Im
super proud of you OP. It's such a hard thing to do, prize these leeches off afyer a lifetime of conditioning. Stay strong for your child, you want them to see it's not okay to act like such a selfish user.

you and they will be starting your own amazing Christmas where you have a special time of the year that you do something amazing just you two. I can't think of anything better!!!

Maybe add a sentence onto the WhatsApp message- oh and I won’t be lending stuff/money anymore.

and mute the group after sending to stop your phone going crazy all night. Read the messages another day when you’re far enough down the line for the rage and emotional blackmail to not hit the same way.

Its nothing to do with tough times.

I have been homeless, I'm disabled (but don't get pip as it would try the mental health of a saint and mine not great to start with) and can't currently work but even back in the days with nothing I made sure I put in effort for Christmas.

I use to shop cheap markets, car boots, charity shops, 2nd hand book stores and shops like YT and poundland but I never left anyone out and picked something for each persons tastes.

The poorest people tend to do the biggest Christmases (not financially but abundance wise). You might not get a £1000 Iphone and new Macbook but we now how to make a little amount stretch far with fun and treats.

It sounds like they are just shitty/selfish people.

This

Cut out the freeloaders and put away the money for your own child.

What hideous people they are! OP, I have relatives who can be a bit like this, but wow - this is next level!

These type of people never change. It's so hurtful and it's not about the money - it's the attitude. They treat you with contempt.

What are you going to do? No way can you give them all this stuff when this is how they carry on. Have they no self-respect at all? It's beyond belief. Actually, it's abusive.

i would return all the stuff and invest that money in therapy. You have to separate out from this abusive cycle. It's really hard to admit your family are just not nice people. We all want to think the best. But my god, this lot are something else.

Either cancel having them entirely (preferably).

Or, if you must have them over, just join in with the Secret Santa malarkey and give a token gift to someone. Return EVERYTHING else. And tell them all to bring a dish. That's it.

....... And regift the whiskey as your secret Santa offering.