To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

Re-gift the whiskey as your secret Santa present as you don't drink.

Keep the Lego if you can't get your money back. Your daughter will thank you when she's older.

You sound lovely and it is far better for you to have a Christmas with your daughter rather than expose her to greedy, self centred extended family members.

Nailed it.

While they expect, and are used to you being Santa's Grotto for everyone, nothing will change. This is going to sound really trite I know, but Christmas isn't just about expensive presents. So the sooner they come to realise that the better. You have been fantastically generous, but they don't seem to appreciate it or you.
One of the best Christmases I ever had was volunteering with a bunch of friends for Crisis at Christmas. It was actually a joyous thing to do and there was more life and Christmas spirit in the centre we all volunteered at than in any I've spent with family in the past. It certainly taught us all to count our blessings.

Another friend (single mum) has volunteered for Crisis at Christmas with her 2 little ones since they were old enough to be taken along to it. It's teaching them to appreciate what they have and are given. It may be something to look into?

Whatever you decide, be kind and generous to yourself and not to those who don't appreciate you. You deserve more than how they have treated you.

Okay practical elements if you lovely lot will help me out/give me strength and more swear words:

I have tickets for all of us for a Panto, and a Lights Show, for that Christmas week. Should I offer these to them as part of my WhatsApp message? They do know about them. We're definitely going away (no idea where yet). Or I can try and offer around for free on the various local parenting WhatsApps I'm on.

Not really discussed much upthread because there was a lot, but I frequently 'loan' siblings and parents money I don't get back. Should I go cold turkey on this or agree to requests over Christmas and then say no from January. I think I'm done with this too.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other

Great-thanks for letting me know, who have I got in the secret Santa?

Just to let you know that I am not around over Xmas as we have other plans, so let me know who is organising it and where I can drop the gift off before the 23rd when we go away!

How do they know you have all their presents bought and wrapped already?

'Make like a turkey' is hitting my list of favourite Christmas sayings! 😂

I would like to think I would send it all back and book a holiday over Christmas but I know I wouldn't. Family ties are hard to break and if you are a people pleaser then it's almost impossible. I sympathise with you and they all sound horrible. They are definitely taking advantage. Whatever you do this year tell them that next year the present limit for things they can ask you for is £50 and you won't be hosting because you are going to be away.

Don’t give them the panto or lights tickets and don’t lend any of them money ever again!

We’ve hit the CF jackpot here 🔔 🔔 🔔 What a bunch of freeloaders. Your Christmas isn’t about you. It’s about them and they clearly take full advantage. So beyond wrong! Tell them you agree that it’s extravagant and as it’s unfair that they can’t afford to reciprocate, you’ve donated all their gifts to charities in their names. “Oh and btw I won’t be hosting or attending Christmas Day festivities.!” Spend it with your daughter and friends who really do appreciate you. You deserve so much more than this. 🫂

Keep the Coldplay tickets as it sounds that you need a treat.

Return what gifts you can and donate the rest to charity,.or give to people who appreciate it

Respond to the what's app with "oh that's great! I was about to do Xmas shopping and this saves me all that stress! What a lovely idea!"

Then cancel Christmas about a week before as you're not well. Then post holiday photos everywhere as soon as you're back.

And honestly, I'd change the locks on your house as a precaution.

OP
Return the presents and/or give to a charity. The presents were not appreciated just expected. Your generosity has been abused
Book yourself and your little one on a lovely holiday somewhere warm or snowy or a xmas cruise; there are plenty of last minute deals available.
I think I would be quite petty and not message them until a couple of days before Xmas day preferably by sending a photo of you lying on a beach, wearing a xmas hat and raising a glass of champagne. Let them run around in circles trying to sort out some Xmas food!

OP I think you really need a clean break. No Christmas lights and definitely no more giving them money. This is so terrible for your self worth.

Haven’t RTFT but OP the only thing you unreasonable is feeling guilty about your salary. You worked hard and achieved that yourself, well done.

Cancel Christmas, I would return and gifts - if you can get a refund- or if they are suitable for friends then give them to your friends, or donate to a charity.

We're definitely going away! Just finalising my message now.

DSis came round to borrow something last week - tree is up and all presents in the background. She took a video of DD doing a dance and added it to the WhatsApp, there were lots of 'oooh, do you think that box is big enough to be the X lego kit?!' Kind of comments. I didn't confirm, but they know I only put stuff under the tree for the people there on Christmas Day.

Return all the gifts you've bought and get it all refunded! This is awful, they are awful.

OP - it all stops now.

No presents
No panto
No light trail
No money

Truly? I'd regift or sell the tickets. That was part of your presents to them, and as they've said - adults don't need gifts.

Personally I’d be cutting them off for any trips as well. But it depends on what you want your future relationship with them to be like. As a gesture of goodwill you could offer to still take them to the panto but make it clear that they’ll need to buy their own tickets next year? And invite someone else to the light show? And no, no, no, no more ‘lending’ money from now on.

The gift you need most is self respect and self worth. Your dfamily are woefully short on offering this even though its free.
I would make myself a promise to only hang out with people who make me feel good about myself. Who love and value my company for me not my bank account.. it is time to cut off greedy money grabbers and surround yourself with people who give you a genuinely good time .

Send your message tonight, just in case you sleep on it and have a wobble! 😂 Then if you want you could mute and archive the WhatsApp chat so you don't have to read their pathetic responses.

Cold turkey the lot of it,and them. You're worth more than a walking ATM to abuse

Just finalising my message now.

Good for you-keep us updated!

@Grinch123 , do your family know you’ve already bought their gifts? I would be tempted to say that having spoken to them, you completely understand the situation and apologise if you seemed cranky, but you really wanted to give them all the lovely gifts you know they’d have loved. Having now thought about the situation, you’ll return the gifts in favour of doing secret Santa, so that everyone is more comfortable.

This will let them know loud and clear that they’re all about to lose out big time, because of their stinginess! Doesn’t mean you have to change your mind if they suddenly want to buy you gifts and it won’t turn them into good people, but you deserve at least to have your point land with them, that by putting the effort in to bring a small gift for their generous hostess, they got a good helluva lot back in terms of hospitality and cheer! And because of their decision, now they won’t.

Give the tickets away locally! You can see if a local refuge/womens aid can make use them.

DO NOT GIVE THE GREEDY FUCKERS ANY MONEY. You’re a person, not a fucking ATM.

‘No I won’t be doing that’ - and hold firm. Self respect comes from within!

You surely just wrapped some empty boxes for decoration, as you thought it looked pretty. Nothing to see here, no presents here, just festive empty boxes.