To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

OP:
You can’t make their lives better, however many gifts you give
You can’t reclaim the love and security that was not given to you as children
Stuff can never take the place of love and security
They haven’t found the emotional and psychological resources to care for themselves in order to thrive - you have.
You have found the strength to care about people: this is a gift to yourself

Bring it back to spending time together. In future, one reasonable gift per person. Some of those requests are truly ridiculous.

Agree with them that presents between adults are unnecessary, maybe suggest ‘something for us all to share on the day’ and praise everyone’s contribution.

They are incredibly rude, commenting spitefully (jealous as they are) on your gifts from friends.

Prepare some calm direct replies:
”I am lucky to have friends, whatever they give me”
”This is something I will enjoy”
”I appreciate what my friends give me, you sound critical, what is that?”
”well luckily it’s for me, not you!”
”We’re having a lovely day, shall we keep comments fun and positive?”

Next year, go on a guided tour of some fabulous far flung place you have always wanted to go and send them a tin of Quality Street.

And stop giving them money.

These are (sadly) not nice people. Behave like a cash cow, they will treat you thus.

OP, you are a lovely kind generous woman.

Don’t let continued contact with these people damage that. Step back from the material generosity.

@Grinch123

Send something like this:

Secret Santa! What a great idea. That will save so much time, hassle and money for everyone.

As I am away for Christmas this year I will be sure to psy mine out nice and early.

Have a great time everyone. I hope Father Christmas is good to you all. See you sometime in 2025.

Please follow through OP. Say yes to secret Santa and DO NOT get taken for granted ever again.

post mine out!

Your plan sounds dab but don't buy your mum a generic gift just regift the whiskey. I was a single parent and my children used to ask for a Christmas of 'just us'. Now in their thirties with their own childrenthose days of just us three are magical in my memories

Wishing you and your daughter a wonderful (and hopefully warmer!) Christmas. And when your family starts ranting away—entitled, loud, and full of grabby opinions—take a moment to think about all the people who have received the gifts you donated. Men, women, and children who will be experiencing such joy and happiness because of you. For those people, you will have made a difficult year a little sweeter. Somewhere, a parent who wasn’t quite sure how to make all the numbers add up to create Christmas magic will be feeling a gratitude beyond words.

While you won’t be able to see these people enjoying the thoughtful gifts you chose, please know they will always remember you and your kindness.

Oh god I'm sorry OP you deserve lots of thoughtful presents, really can emphasise with this family dynamic but as others have mentioned - they are cunts and they aren't being very nice to you at all

You sound lovely - do you want a sister??? I agree with other posters that if you can afford to give away the gifts you could give them to a shelter or the Salvation Army and change someone’s life. And they would be genuinely grateful.

We’ve started doing Christmas ‘just us’ the last couple of years for many reasons. We go to church in the morning and it’s beautiful, a very family friendly church group - would you consider something like that? Otherwise, you get to design your own Christmas Day from scratch, and as your DD gets older will be incredibly special time for you both. Best wishes xx

OP, you have a golden opportunity to make a new tradition with your dc of making xmas a really special time for just the two of you, doing something that you know she will enjoy. Make it all about her, not about your family.

Teach her that quality is more important than quantity, and that she is all the family you need.

You will have a lovely time without them OP.

Why not look at whether you can do a few days over Christmas in Finland Lapland with your daughter. Expensive but gives her a magical experience and lets you do a Christmas buildup at home just you and your daughter.

I really hope you stick to your guns OP

Tell them all to get to fuxk. And spend ur money on urself xx

Make this the last one, or even better cancel!
You and your DD can start to create your own Christmas rituals. Skiing? Lovely hotel somewhere? Lapland? Loads of options with your budget that you wont be spending on freeloading relatives!
And i say that as someone who hates presents! I’d much rather buy my own stuff and hate the plastic tat that Christmas has become, but youve let it be known that you like presents so they are awful to ignore it.

I’m hoping this doesn’t mean you’re hoping to invite a new boyfriend for your next Christmas? Who presumably doesn’t exist yet? This seems worrying, like you’re replacing one fantasy with another

They are family, don’t cancel
Return gifts and buy chocolate box each for them
be delighted with whisky and tell them you are so pleased because you wanted something alcoholic to donate to work fund raiser
if they say anything, laugh as much as they did and explain you took their advice and accept they are just gifts.
They may not come for Christmas next year but make sure you honour your traditions this year so you don’t feel bad later xx

Can you take presents, and use for their birthdays OP,.or create a birthday present drawer?

Can you take any back?

I hope you stick by this a fuck them off this year. Absolutely users.

Wishing you and your DC a very happy, relaxed Christmas.

@Newyearnewnameagain20 this made me laugh! No, I'm happily single. I have quite a few friends who, although have plans for this Christmas, might agree to something next year.

Hi op,

I think they chose to do a Santa for adults because all prices went up and they are skinny. Nothing to do with you but because they also couldn’t plan as you did (same reason, money is tight) you know find yourself in a very delicate position.

If I were you, I’d respect their wishes and just say that only the person you had for Santa will then receive his/her gift in line with what they ask.

I think you do something amazing. You say adults so I am thinking there are children too? Please don’t cancel and just understand that they can’t. It is sad but they won’t be able to do more…?

Good luck op 🌺

SkinT not skinny 🫣

I would be tempted to just leave the house fully secured, lights out. And hang a notice on the door saying - cancelled due to family emergency !
Take yourself off WhatsApp and any other social media.

@Grinch123 they are miserable cheeky fuckers. Tell them to make like a turkey and get STUFFED.

honestly seething for you. Just go NC with the lot of them and give everything to the homeless centre.

don’t host ever again - they seriously sound awful.

Return their gifts. If adults "don't need presents" then it shouldn't be a problem.
Use the money to book yourself some spa treatments.

They are family who behave appallingly and treat her with total disrespect. That won't change until OP demands that respect by setting some boundaries.

They haven't actually been invited, and they've already "broken" the norms by switching to secret Santa so it's the perfect time to embrace the changes, wish them all a merry Christmas and be politely surprised when they said they were assuming to be at her place. "Really? We didn't discuss that, I'd always been planning a sunny/white/whatever Christmas away."

The family treat Christmas as a transaction and now they're not even pretending that it's about love and giving. Let them fish for themselves.