To cancel Christmas unless I'm given a present?

[Grinch123]

It's a long one! I've name changed.

Backstory ~

Abusive upbringing. I'm the oldest sibling and always kind of looked after everyone, including parents who both have mental health issues. Parents, and 2 siblings (DSis1 and DB) have never worked and claimed benefits. 1 sibling (DSis2) is on minimum wage. I've worked my way up and am on a nice salary well into 6 figures.

Christmas was shit growing up, no money and lots of manipulation and drama. When I moved out I started hosting everyone and trying to recreate those amazing Christmases in movies. Lots of food, tree heaving with gifts, overflowing stockings. Family always seem happy and have a ball, though there are always digs about my salary and how I could do more - I cave and each year it gets bigger and better. No one contributes at all (I haven't asked, they haven't offered).

Family are shit with my feelings or acknowledging birthdays etc. I'm aware money is ridiculously tight for them all, however I'm talking completely ignored my graduation (first one in my family), I didn't even get a text/card for my 30th. I go all out for them, and have always 'forgiven' anything hurtful based on the fact we've been through a lot and I want to treat them and put effort into having relationships. I also feel guilty that I'm financially secure, and they are not - they don't want budgeting advice etc (fair enough!) but I do help them out with money fairly often.

The issue, or more like the straw that broke this camels back:

Every year I buy loads of gifts for under the tree - everything anyone asks for, plus lots I research and find that I think they'll like - my point is, it's not just money I'm throwing at it! Everyone also buys each other one small gift, a token really. Something like a box of chocolates. I love those moments of opening gifts together, although I have far less than the others! But it's so much fun and I work so hard to try and get things everyone will love.

This year, DB has announced in the family WhatsApp that we're doing Secret Santa for the adults in the family, so we don't have to buy gifts for each other. He (and everyone) knows I'm done with my shopping and everything they've asked me for is wrapped and under the tree already. He's included an uncle I have never met - pretty sure he has me because this weekend my gift arrived in an unmarked Amazon box (so took me a good few days to figure out who had sent me a bottle of whiskey - I don't drink).

I was really hurt, by that and by the fact I won't have any gifts under the tree (I've brought for myself before and family laugh at me, I've also unwrapped gifts friends have given me, and again got made fun of because they were expensive). I talked to my best friend and decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift. Broadly speaking the response I got was : you're being ridiculous, adults don't need gifts, we're broke and you can afford anything you want! Along with lots of hurtful digs and mean comments.

I'm now fuming and want to cancel everything and never see anyone again. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity (which I know they do!) however this cements the fact in my mind that they don't actually care about me or my feelings at all. I understand times are tough, I try and be as supportive as I can be - but am I crazy to think if you're being hosted for a week, having hundreds of pounds worth of gifts bought for you (that you've asked for! Including practical things you need and would have to buy for yourself if I didn't!), that you can afford a cheap £5 box of chocolates to humour your daughter/sister?

@Grinch123 this seems like the best solution. They don't sound like nice people to spend your Christmas with. Just think that the lego set will REALLY make the Christmas of a child who has a shitty deal in life.

The time to say you're doing secret santa is when the gift issue is raised. Don't tell your sister you want £££ uggs and your daughter you want £400 lego then agree to secret santa.

There's an article in the guardian this weekend about fabulous Christmas breaks to tasteful places like cefalu in sicilly. I read it dreaming "one day". I reckon take your dd to tenerife for Christmas (less tasteful but warm and fun). The baia principle fantasia has a disney play castle in the grounds. She'd love it.

They are horrible.
Get refunds and take your daughter away.

Just adding a box of Maltesers to my grocery order . . .

This really struck a chord for me........some years ago I was expecting a baby in the February after Christmas.........all my in-laws bought me stuff for the new baby for Christmas, there wasn't even a bar of chocolate for me! I was so hurt and whilst some might think I was ungrateful they all knew that we had everything for the baby already!

Cancel Christmas for these freeloaders Grinch123 and either invite some friends over or spend the day helping at a homeless shelter - you are a kind and generous soul who is being taken for a ride.

OP I hope you do cancel Christmas for your extended family and just make Christmas about you and your child.

The Christmas’s you are trying to create are all in your head because it was what you wanted when you were younger. You never had those, but you can have that with you and your child, so make it about that. Create those memories so your little one grows up with the joy that you didn’t have. Don’t have your child remembering how your family treated you, how you were taken advantage of. I wouldn’t even invite them for Christmas dinner.

Im angry in your behalf that your family are treating you this way.

OP I’m late to the party and you’ve heard over and over again that your family are wasters and taking full advantage of you.

However, kindly this insanity from your side needs to stop. You’ve grown up in an extremely dysfunctional family and you’re trying to use your money to create all the things that functional families have which are Christmas traditions and love and respect for each other.

I’m really sorry to have to say it but no amount of money or extravagant gifts are going to fix these horrendously morally bankrupt and emotionally disordered people.
Kindly, you know who they are and they will never be anything but the people who they are. They don’t have love and care for you like a normal family and whilst it’s heartbreaking that you’re trying to so hard, you can’t buy people’s love or respect that has to come from a persons personality and it simply doesn’t exist in them. Stop enabling them.

There is a person who will grow up to love and respect you and appreciate you that you can create magical Christmases for and a whole host of lovely traditions. That’s your child. Whilst it comes from a kind hearted place you are showing your child a series of extremely unhealthy behaviours. You’re firstly showing them that money will buy love which is wrong. Secondly, you’re showing them that you should be a people pleaser and let people disrespect you and take advantage of your kind nature and money and that abusers should be rewarded for doing so.

You need to stop making excuses and set healthy boundaries and shield your child from the dysfunction of your family. Your child will grow up with low self esteem like you have because they will see the lack of care for them due to their behaviour. You buying presents from your family to your child will only confuse them later on down the line and it’s not going to do any good. It’s pretend and it’s unfair to do that to them when they don’t have their or your best interests at heart. It’s like putting a plaster on someone’s who’s bleeding to death. Teach them that they have so much worth and value and that they don’t deserve to be taken advantage of by people in life. Break the cycles of abuse.

Start spending money in the right way on your child and show them the true meaning of Christmas isn’t about presents and money but about spending time with people who you love the most and who love you back and if that just means the two of you then so be it. As they get older take them around the local area to look at Christmas lights and watch Christmas films with them and bake Christmas treats with them. There are so many things you can do that will be a special memory for them that doesn’t have to be about money but about time. Time is the greatest gift that you can ever give your child.

Definitely this! It’s very admirable that you put so much into your family though but maybe it’s time to put yourself first. Sending hugs

OP, I really feel for you. But this could be the best gift you get from them if it means your future Christmases don't involve being taken completely for granted by them.

Your idea sounds great, joining in the secret santa and telling them you are away for Christmas. Then mute WhatsApp and avoid all calls. You don't owe them any explanation.

There is a thread in AIBU asking about Christmas traditions. Have a look on there and start planning your own for just you and DD. I am an only child of a single mother with a shit family. We spent most Christmases just us two. And we were dirt poor, so there were no days out, or fancy Christmas trips. But it was still the best time full of magic and excitement. She doesn't need a fake family Christmas. She will treasure one to one time with you more than anything, even if it's just going for a walk and looking at all the Christmas decorations in other people's windows 🎄

And in the new year, tell your family you've been made redundant / donated all your money to the dogs Trust / emigrated to New Zealand. And focus all your efforts on you and DD.

(And definitely BAFF 🚘)

utter wretches, cancel Christmas and then cancel them.

We do secret santa in my family, not including our parents but amongst me and my siblings because there are 5 of us plus nieces/nephews so it's 4 less presents for us all to buy every year. There's nothing wrong with that but a message halfway through December is way too late to let you know.
If you always host I think it's also bad manners to turn up empty handed. They could bring wine or chocolates to contribute to the day.

It's awful your family treat you like a cash cow. Don't get used anymore!

My mum passed away 2 years ago. The Last 2 years were awful without her. We are going away for Christmas this year, and I cannot wait!

I'm so sorry you have such a horrid family and so glad you've decided to kick their CF bums to the kerb! Have a wonderful time in Australia.

I don't get you @Grinch123 . While you've been trying to recreate some sort of kitschy Hollywood Christmas, you are completely blind to the fact that you were the one giving and they were taking and they must have been looking forward to your Christmas not because of you but because of all the expensive presents you gave them. They don't care about you at all.
Get them all a box of Cadbury Roses and spend Christmas with either someone who truly appreciates you or just spend it on your own, with Christmas movies and ice-cream or whatever else you love. It's the season of joy and love. Love yourself, give yourself the joy of happiness without pandering to a shower of ungrateful cunts.

I’m sure you have a good idea now about how much these people are piss taking twats that don’t deserve you (and I hope you have already told them all to fuck off and sort themselves out for Xmas from now on) but in case you’re still struggling to see it -

I don’t know you, I will never meet you, I don’t have much money and if I had the chance to I would happily send you a gift to open.

@Grinch123 I love your update! I hope you make it to Sydney! As an aside, why not contact Women's Aid and see if you could donate the items to a women's shelter? Those items could transform a Christmas! Also, this year is just me and my two kids (13 and 26). I can't wait. I love our Christmas Day doing exactly what we want when we want, not eating Turkey and having plenty of wine and chocolate. Perfect!

This all day long.

I just want to give you a big hug, OP. You’ve made a success of your life in spite of your parents, not because of them, and now you’re trying to heal the damage done by your shitty childhood by sharing the results of your hard work and showering generosity on this lot of grabby, calculating fuckers. No matter how much you give, it’ll never be enough - they’ll never make you feel whole and loved and appreciated because they’re only interested in taking from you and dragging you down.

You’ve not only pulled yourself uphill, but god bless you, you’re trying to pull all of them up with you. Drop the rope and let go the burden. It’s not worth it and it’ll never give you the validation you crave. You need to try to find that in yourself, and more therapy will probably help. Getting angry is a good start.

You sound like an amazing mum. Have a fantastic Christmas with your little girl, make your own traditions; show her that you (and by extension she) deserve to be treated with love and respect by the people you choose to share your life with - and if they don’t measure up, there’s no place for them.

Then open all those lovely gifts and enjoy them (or donate to more deserving souls than your horrible family), book a big fat holiday somewhere amazing and go to the fucking Coldplay concert.

Could you return and let us know how how it all pans out.

I'm hoping that they'll realise how grabby they've been and come back to reality (it's Christmas, I'm hoping for a happier ending than usual).

This. In spades. I'm sorry they're so shit.

Jeez, I really think therapy would be your best investment Op. You're family sound awful but your behaviour is not normal. Dysfunctional all around

Can you find a holiday in Norway Sweden or Finland so Little One sees oodles of snow and Perhaps the northern Lights? Do you have passports?
In a hotel there I doubt you would be left alone they will be friendly.
As someone else said - make sure your property is secure so they can't get in.

Book Mexico or Thailand right now so you can't change your mind when you calm down! And return the gifts. Maybe one Christmas without and your gifts will make them realise how they are behaving.

Just read your updates, OP - missed them while I was typing my essay 😂. Good for you. Press the button and have a bloody great Christmas.

Return it all/make use of it yourself and don’t spend money on them again.

I've had Christmas with just my children a few times and loved it! It was so relaxed and we could do whatever they wanted, building presents etc.